Yesterday I realized I had gone a few hours without thinking of Peyton. This is shocking, unacceptable, horrifying and at the same time makes me glad. Of course you can berate yourself.......am I forgetting him already?!!! Of course not. I thought about this for awhile and I believe God showed me that focusing on all the good things, all the blessings and the love people have shown us is pushing out the grief. Slowly but surely the majority of the time I think of my son, it will be with a smile. This is such a process, a work in progress, but there is progress. There has to be progress, we all have things to do here on earth and must live our lives to the fullest.
Andrew shot a deer on Saturday. When I saw the deer I immediately felt (not thought) that the deer had walked out of the woods right in front of Peyton in Heaven and Peyton knew Andrew had shot that deer. Can this be possible? I don't believe people in Heaven can see us on earth, but surely they know things. I won't know until I get there.
Yesterday, Oct 22nd was Peyton's birthday. It was a hard day. We miss him so much. Tom & I spent the day together, both of us took the day off. I put a funny poster at Peyton's gravesite. I knew the kids would be visiting it and wanted to make them smile. We had quite a few phone calls and cards. Several of the kids came over and we ate Peyton's favorite dish from the local Mexican restaurant. The kids brought over a book that they had written their favorite memories about Peyton. They had done this right after the accident but it had been passed around a lot and just now got back to us. It made us laugh and cry. It means so much to us that they won't forget him and he did make a difference in their lives. I can only hope Tom & I can do the same.
Last year at this time Peyton was driving to school for the first time. He was so excited. I sit here typing this and I still cannot believe this has happened even though it has been more than nine months since I have seen my son. It is taking effort to stay positive. Tomorrow morning we are leaving for Colorado. I discovered another family via the internet that is going through what we are going through. They lost their son in April of 2006, also a rodeo accident. We have been emailing for about 2 months and now we are going to meet in person.
I just viewed my blog and read over some previous posts. I needed it. I have had lots of positive things to say and will probably read them again today. "It's the Miracle of Christ in me," that says it all. I am an overcomer and will make it through this day and every other day. Thank you Lord for your peace, love and comfort. We have been loved on by God through so many people and Tom and I are grateful.
Tonight is our football Homecoming. Tom & I are having people over after the game. Tom is taking off early to go to the parade. I can't help thinking about all the years he coached Peyton in little league football and all the homecoming trailers they rode on. Amanda is a Jr. Maid this year, I hope she has fun. Don't really feel like writing today.
Tom ended up taking the day off too for the ring ceremony. We presented Casey Jo with her ring and Tom presented Nathan with his. It was a good thing for us to go and felt honored to be asked to attend. We love those kids. There were several kids with PDJ on their ring and a bull rider on the side. Casey Jo said that classrings are about high school memories and Peyton will be one of her most significant memories. I kept telling myself while we were there to stay in the moment, recognize the good things going on right now and do not dwell on the fact that Peyton was not there.
I am beginning to see and understand that Peyton is here. He is in all of us. We are all influences on each other and need to realize this. When Peyton had been gone just a few weeks, he felt so gone to me. Now I can see him in his friends and am grateful these people have been brought into our lives because of Peyton. Don't get me wrong, this realization is no substitute for having Peyton here, but it is what I have right now.
As the fall season comes, it brings the sadness closer to the surface. This will be Tom's first hunting season without Peyton. We have been living without Peyton for 8 months, but with each passing event and season we have to adjust our expectations and face them without our son. I not only mourn for myself, but I see my husband living with the huge hole in his heart. We were a very close family and enjoyed each other. Tom and Peyton had so many things they did together, especially this time of year. They cut wood for our stove and for Peyton to make gas money. They hunted and camped, I cannot imagine that deer camp without him. I know Tom will struggle, but he will hunt. We believe it honors Peyton for us to carry on, even when our heart is breaking.
I had to stop writing this yesterday, too many emotions. Today I am better. My God is bigger than any grief and He is the source of my joy. I am just so puzzled at these emotional days. I will have a few good days and then, right back to the pain. I don't feel guilt when I have good days, I enjoy them and thank God for them. They just don't seem to last. Some days I think of Peyton and smile, other times I can't even look at his picture. On those days I am desperate to find something to make me feel better. That is when I go to other blogs, especially our Pastors'. They are always uplifting and usually funny. Pastor Kevin and Susan are gifts from God, blessing us abundantly every time we are around them.
I will focus on my blessings and God will lift me out of this funk I am in. I am blessed with a wonderful husband, great friends and coworkers, and an awesome church family. Tom and I were asked by one of Peyton's classmates to present her with her class ring on Thursday at the ring ceremony at the school. I am able to go, but Tom can't. I think it will be a challenge to hold it together, but I felt honored to be asked. I love those kids and am so glad they are still a part of our lives.
I was working at Wilson Bros. Automotive seven years ago. I remember people coming in and telling us of the plane crashes. I remember sweeping the floor of the shop, wanting to pick my son up from school just to hug him, He was only nine years old. I remember hearing about the Pentagon and I didn't believe it, you know how rumors get started and then get out of control. But it was all true. I watched hours and hours of news footage and interviews with families of the victims. I couldn't turn it off, somehow it seemed disrespectful. So I watched and I cried. Now here I am missing my own son. It will be 8 months tomorrow. I wonder if he has met any of these people that left this earth seven years ago.
I tell myself every day that this earth is so temporary, just a blink of an eye compared to eternity. I know I will be reunited with Peyton and I have to focus on the good things that are still here on this earth. I will glorify my Savior and be grateful. We sang a song in church the other day that gave me an answer to the question I hear so much. "How do you go on?" The words in the song said, "It's the miracle of Christ in me, it's the mystery that sets me free." How true these words are. Christ in me is a miracle!! I will let that miracle shine through me. He has set me free from sin and death. I will rejoice today and be glad!! I miss you Peyton and I know you are having a wonderful, unimaginable, fantastic life in Heaven. Thank you Lord!!
I am expecting blessings to overtake me and Tom. I am expecting to be a blessing to others. I am expecting miracles. I am expecting emotional healing. I am expecting JOY! I am expecting God's glory in our lives. I am expecting wholeness. I am expecting supernatural faith. I am expecting God's love to flow out of me onto others. I am expecting VICTORY!!
