Baby Steps

I just posted on Jake's blog...my name was Peyton's mom....I changed it to Beckypdj. I'm still his mom, but I am more, especially now.

Created a FaceBook profile and have gotten in touch with some people I don't get to talk to on a regular basis. Looking forward to keeping in touch.

This past weekend Tom told me in great detail of his hunting exploits. I listened and then I listened some more. I knew what was going on. He was telling me some more on Sunday night, then he said, "I don't have anyone to tell this to." I said, I know. He and Peyton were inseparable this time of year. I hate it for him. I love this man so much, and it hurts to see him hurting. He did harvest a deer.

We have great friends and they DO listen, but it is not the same as having someone there all the time, teaching them what they need to know and watching them grow. We do have great kids around us and God uses them to bless us. I know God has great things in store for Tom & I. God is giving us things as we become ready. We are listening...waiting........expecting.

I love you Lord, thank you for the blessings.

Daily Randomness

Going out with some girls tonight. Out to eat, maybe a movie. Tom is camping. It was hard for him to decide to go, but he did. I know he will have a good time. It is hard sometimes to think about making memories without Peyton, especially when it is something he loved so much. Having a good day and plan on having one tomorrow. Staying focused on the present is so important. Started making Thanksgiving plans, I will be fine (repeating this over and over in my head).

If you are reading this blog, please post comments. I would appreciate your input.

Thanks

10 Months

Today is the 10 month anniversary. I am doing fairly well...yesterday, not so much. Focus, focus, focus. I don't understand how something that can make me so miserable, still seems so unbelievable. Tom misses Peyton. I miss Peyton. Peyton's friends miss Peyton. Everyone misses Peyton. They let us know in so many ways, and this means so much. I have never experienced the openness about grieving as I have in this situation. No one seems to be afraid of expressing their sadness or their happy memories. WE NEED THIS SO MUCH!! I cannot imagine going through this without our friends. They are invaluable to us and we love them. I have been hugged more in the last 10 months than in my whole life. I love it and I need it.

Thanksgiving is right around the corner. The family will be gathering together and there will be a hole. I am not looking forward to it, but I will find many, many things for which to be thankful. God is good, all the time.

Realization

Yesterday I realized I had gone a few hours without thinking of Peyton. This is shocking, unacceptable, horrifying and at the same time makes me glad. Of course you can berate yourself.......am I forgetting him already?!!! Of course not. I thought about this for awhile and I believe God showed me that focusing on all the good things, all the blessings and the love people have shown us is pushing out the grief. Slowly but surely the majority of the time I think of my son, it will be with a smile. This is such a process, a work in progress, but there is progress. There has to be progress, we all have things to do here on earth and must live our lives to the fullest.

Andrew shot a deer on Saturday. When I saw the deer I immediately felt (not thought) that the deer had walked out of the woods right in front of Peyton in Heaven and Peyton knew Andrew had shot that deer. Can this be possible? I don't believe people in Heaven can see us on earth, but surely they know things. I won't know until I get there.

Birthday

Yesterday, Oct 22nd was Peyton's birthday. It was a hard day. We miss him so much. Tom & I spent the day together, both of us took the day off. I put a funny poster at Peyton's gravesite. I knew the kids would be visiting it and wanted to make them smile. We had quite a few phone calls and cards. Several of the kids came over and we ate Peyton's favorite dish from the local Mexican restaurant. The kids brought over a book that they had written their favorite memories about Peyton. They had done this right after the accident but it had been passed around a lot and just now got back to us. It made us laugh and cry. It means so much to us that they won't forget him and he did make a difference in their lives. I can only hope Tom & I can do the same.

Last year at this time Peyton was driving to school for the first time. He was so excited. I sit here typing this and I still cannot believe this has happened even though it has been more than nine months since I have seen my son. It is taking effort to stay positive. Tomorrow morning we are leaving for Colorado. I discovered another family via the internet that is going through what we are going through. They lost their son in April of 2006, also a rodeo accident. We have been emailing for about 2 months and now we are going to meet in person.

I just viewed my blog and read over some previous posts. I needed it. I have had lots of positive things to say and will probably read them again today. "It's the Miracle of Christ in me," that says it all. I am an overcomer and will make it through this day and every other day. Thank you Lord for your peace, love and comfort. We have been loved on by God through so many people and Tom and I are grateful.

Homecoming

Tonight is our football Homecoming. Tom & I are having people over after the game. Tom is taking off early to go to the parade. I can't help thinking about all the years he coached Peyton in little league football and all the homecoming trailers they rode on. Amanda is a Jr. Maid this year, I hope she has fun. Don't really feel like writing today.