More about Peyton

Today, I helped a couple of girls move into their college dorms.  They are so excited!!!!  I was glad to be part of it.  I feel for so many parents that are packing their children off to college. Their “babies” are leaving the nest.  I know if Peyton were still here, I would be in the same boat they are, wanting to be able to let go, but wanting to hold on.  I told Peyton he could live with us forever.  I am missing him so much. 

In September of Peyton’s sophomore year, he scored a 21 on the ACT.  He was impressed.  He said, “Mom, I know Seniors that haven’t scored a 19.”  He didn’t realize the gift he had been given until then.  He was very smart and took it for granted.  He thought everyone had it as easy with schoolwork as he did.  Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t “apply” himself.  He made As & Bs (mostly Bs).  I told  him Cs were unacceptable.  He thought I was too strict.  I think the ACT opened his eyes a little bit. 

The last six months of Peyton’s earthly life were very focused.  He was determined to ride in the PBR.  I’d never seen him so passionate about anything.  He was maturing and becoming responsible in ways every parent wants.   He only got to drive for a couple of months before he went to Heaven.  He loved that freedom.   He had gotten a job the week before his accident.  It was only a couple of hours a day after school, but he was thrilled.  I told him I didn’t think it would be fair of us to quit his allowance because he was working, so he got both.  (Gas was almost $4 a gallon at this time)  He only received one paycheck and he immediately put it in his gas tank.  I have his wallet, it has $1 in it along with his drivers license and hunter’s education card. 

I don’t know the purpose of this post, other than letting me tell some more about the son I love so much.  I’m a proud parent but I know Peyton wasn’t perfect.  Very soon, I will post a couple of stories about Peyton getting in trouble.  It’s only fair you have a well rounded picture, right?

Peyton is in Heaven.  He doesn’t miss me or anything about this earth.  Heaven is Heaven, even for a 16 yr old cowboy.

Then vs Now

I know God is calling me to be less and less concerned about myself.  Less of me and more of Him.  I type these words and they seem cliche’.  I’ve heard people that are way more spiritual than I am say them and now they are coming out of my mouth.  What are You up to God?

For the last few days there has been an unrest inside of me.  There are times it  feels as if my spirit is vibrating inside me.  That’s not an accurate description, but it is all my human mind has.  I’ve been praying more and more throughout the day. 

There are times I want to go back to the way I was before Peyton went to Heaven.  I want my life to be the way it used to be.  We were very happy and were incredibly blessed.

Presently, I am grateful for who I’ve become.  I have grown and changed in ways that I never would have imagined.   In most situations, I am a more sympathetic and caring person. 

Other times situations will arise and I have no patience for them.  In my mind I am thinking, “If I have made it through the death of my son, you can make it through _________.”  Do you see that small and selfish word in purple?  “I” is a very dangerous thing to focus on.  It truly wasn’t “I” who made it through.  God carried me through.  This was too big for “I” and He never left me. 

Would I bring Peyton back if I could?  YES!!!!!! 

Am I grateful for all God has done for me since Peyton has been gone?  YES!!!! 

Am I a better person now than I was when Peyton was here?  YES!!!!

This is God making something good out of something evil.

Bloggy Banter – Love it!!

Here is a question that was in the comments of my previous post.

Do I have to continue to miss AND grieve? I thought I read somewhere that grief was a 'spirit'. So, here is the actual question: can't my heart be whole as in Shalom - nothing missing, nothing broken and miss my loved ones beyond all reason of my natural mind AND in that name of Jesus kick the spirit of grief out?

This question was asked because I said in my previous post -

“I know I will miss Peyton & grieve for him until I see him again, but living the way I've been living is not right.

Isaiah 61:3

³To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

In the verse it shows a trade….the garment of praise FOR the spirit of heaviness.  Grief is a spirit and we should not carry it.  When I wrote that email, I was living with the spirit of grief and I knew better.  I can miss Peyton and not be grief stricken.  I can also make the trade again and give away the “garment of praise” and take on the “spirit of heaviness”.  I have made that trade many times, but not as often or for as long.  It is a learning and healing process (31 months so far), not a one time decision. (if you knew me, you would know how much I wish it were a one time decision)

Having said all of that, I will not grieve for Peyton until I see him again.  I will miss him and even cry but the grief will not swallow me up. 

I hope I haven’t gotten too hung up on ‘terminolgy” in this post - missing vs grieving.  I want to be totally honest about what I believe. 

I believe my God is a healing, restorative, loving God and He is bigger than any kind of grief. 

Thanks for the question Dar.

“Never mind God, I got this.”

This is an excerpt from an email I sent to a wonderful friend of mine.  I sent it after coming out of suffering 3 weeks of misery.

The past few weeks I have given in too much to it (grief).  I know I am grieving/will continue to grieve, but it had taken over most of my thought life.  I know I will miss Peyton & grieve for him until I see him again, but living the way I've been living is not right.  I am functioning and productive but feel like I am broken inside.

In the beginning I came against the grief with prayer etc. from a survival instinct.  But now after 30 months, I let it sneak back in slowly and was learning to live with it on a daily basis.  This is not where I want to be and have to stop it now.

The last part about it sneaking in and living with it, that is the battle now.  The tears and the turmoil don’t come as often and when it did come…….I thought I could handle it.  “Never mind God, I got this.”  Foolishness.

I can’t believe I did this.  (I don’t know why I’m always surprised at my humanity)  I was no longer desperate for God’s help!!! 

Another excerpt from the same email

I'm going back; back to the way I was when this horrible thing happened.  I am going to have the mind set that this grief is trying to drive me crazy but I won't let it. It still is trying to drive me crazy, it is just slower and sneakier than it was in the beginning.

I am here to say I am back in that place, a place of desperation,  desperate for my Father and His life giving Word.  Desperate for Him, not only in the bad times but the good times and everything kind of time in between. 

What I am trying to say is, I let myself get comfortable with where I was in the grieving process and my relationship with God.  This is not acceptable.  Pressing in and growing, that is what I am called to.  He loves me too much for me to remain in the same place.

Thanks for reading and you know I love comments :)

Branson, MO

A co-worker and I took an overnight trip to Branson, MO. this weekend.  If you’re not familiar, click on the link and check it out.  

I’m going to try to write this without it sounding like a commercial. 

I had to go to the Titanic museum; loved it.  It is very informative and interesting.  Before you enter the museum, you get a boarding pass describing one of the real life passengers.  At the end of your tour, you find out whether or not your passenger survived the tragedy.  Ours survived.  Focusing on the fact that these were real people and not just a story was emotional for me and I found myself taking some deep breaths to keep myself together.  There were other factors involved too.

Tony Roi, The Elvis Experience – My co-worker is an enthusiastic Elvis fan.  I enjoy the King of Rock and Roll more than the average person, but I am not a fan of impersonators Tribute Artists.  I have to admit though, he was good.  Here is the undeniable evidence that I was there. 

We also went to a show called SIX.  It was very cool.  Six brothers performing songs Acappella.  Not only singing, but using their voices to replicate the sounds of instruments. 

I choose this video to post because I wanted to mention the fact that EVERY show in Branson recognizes our veterans and does some sort of tribute to them.  This is another thing that tugs at my heart strings.

The rest of our time was spent eating and shopping.  I got some sweet Christmas decorations.

It was a good weekend, but I was ready to come home.  I mentioned before it was emotional.  Our last family trip with Peyton was to Branson.  Peyton & I had been to Branson several times with friends so there are lots of fun memories there. 

One of my favorite Peyton/Branson memories – Peyton was around 12 or 13.  We had come back to the condo and gotten cleaned up and into our pajamas.  We walked next door to where the girls were staying.  The girls were on the pull out sofa bed watching TV.  Peyton runs and lands on the bed telling the girls to scoot over.  They are looking at him like he is crazy.  He says “come on, we can paint our toenails and talk about our feelings.”  His mind was so quick and he was never at a loss for words. 

I miss you Peyton Douglas Jackson, even in Branson.

Exercise…… Physical and Otherwise

I read this on someone else’s blog several months ago.  I have it saved on my computer and read it from time to time.  She is talking about exercise.  I’ve printed it to hang in front of my treadmill.  I don’t remember where I got it from, if you are the author, thank you. 

The truth is:

• Sometimes it's gonna hurt more than others.  I need to push through it and stop repeating the process of quitting when it gets too tough.
• It's not just about exercise.  It's about discipline.  It's about sacrifice. It's about commitment.  It's about finishing the goal that He has set before me. 
• It's about allowing Him to complete a work in me that seems nearly impossible.
• He has given me a body that is capable of exercising...it is a gift. 
• I am not allowed to quit on this one.

It doesn't matter if I like it all the time.

I am learning.  Physically and spiritually it is about sticking to the plan, moving forward, adding more to what seems impossible...because I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13)

As I was reading it this morning, the last paragraph spoke volumes to me.   I am in the middle of God’s plan, I will stick to God’s plan and move forward.  As I am faithful, he will add more to what already seemed impossible.  What was meant for evil, He will turn for good.

The 3rd 4th without Peyton

I am suprised how hard these last few days have been.  (I don't know why I'm suprised!! maybe that's part of my problem)  Tom & I are on vacation.  I think this is the first vacation since Peyton has been in Heaven that we haven't gone somewhere.  The hours at home with nowhere in particular to be gives me time to think.  I'm usually okay with thinking, but not this week.  The 4th didn't happen the way I wanted.  We had a good time and love the people who came to the house but the people we usually spend it with were not able to make it.  These friends remember and miss Peyton the way we do.  I don't want to get used to not talking about Peyton, but this is the way things are headed.  It is natural and normal but I am fighting against it.  I know I will always talk about him, but in the natural course of my life, I will meet more and more people who do not know him (maybe this is all the more reason to keep talking about him)

There seems to be a "settling in" to this chapter of our lives.  The high school activities are over. "Our" kids are growing up and moving forward.  We want them to press on to their futures and live their lives.  Even though this is what we want, it is hard because Peyton is not here doing the same.  It is very hard not to think about what we are missing out on.  I get tired of sharing other people's children, but am grateful to have them.

Peyton has been in Heaven for 2 1/2 years. It seems like forever.  I am having trouble finding purpose in my life right now, but I am not alone.  God is always with me and He never gives up on me.  I know He has great and wonderful assignments and adventures for Tom & I to fulfill.  He is a great God and He loves us so much. 

The words didn't flow out as easily tonight as they usually do.  I didn't want to post at all, but felt like I needed to start typing and see what happened.  I don't think it was much, but I appreciate you reading.  I've read over this post several times and I realized I have made statements then used the word "but" NINE TIMES.  This has to be some kind of record and I'm sure it's not a good record.