Living Life

Life is strolling along, weddings, babies being born and people buying their first homes.  Our friends’ children and Peyton’s friends are at the ages when many of life’s milestones are taking place.  Tom and I are happy for all of them and glad to be included in the celebrations. 

Sometimes it is hard to stay in the moment of celebration with our friends.  My mind wanders to thoughts of what things would be like if Peyton were still here.  Would he have found his lifetime mate?  Would he be doing well in college or would he have gone to work by now?  I know Peyton is in our eternal future, but our immediate future seems empty. 

I want MY son. 

I want my OWN grandchildren. 

People are very generous to us, sharing their families.  I get tired of sharing. 

Maybe it’s not that I get tired of sharing.  Maybe I am afraid THEY will get tired of sharing, that one day the invites and visits will stop and Tom & I will be left behind.  Not only would we be left behind, but the memory of Peyton would be left behind with their childhoods. 

My mind is a battlefield.  I say this because I know all these thoughts and fears that I have mentioned are contrary to reality.  They come to taunt me anyway. 

So, I have to re –focus. 

The truth is Tom and I have a huge family, a family that is growing and changing.  Our relationships are real. They are not based on missing Peyton.  They are grounded in mutual love and respect.  We are carving out a life full of joy and God’s glory.  This is a complex process.  Each time we move into a new area it usually involves letting go of something.  Letting go is difficult, especially if it involves your child.  So I ask God to help me find ways to carry the memories in a productive way.  It isn’t easy and there are times I don’t wanna!!!  I eventually do.

Thank you so much for reading : )

He still cracks me up!!

Have you seen this??????

My mom and I went to see the movie, ExtremeIy Loud and Incredibly Close tonight.  OMGoodness!!!  It is about a boy whose dad is killed in the 9/11 Trade Center bombings.  A year after his father’s death, the boy finds a key.  He is determined to find out what the key unlocks. 

The boy is not a typical boy.  He mentions that he was tested for Asperger’s and the audience can understand why.  I went to the website “Rotten Tomatoes” and the reviews are divided.  I found myself caught up in the story and thought it a good movie.  I did cry……………..a lot.  Anyone that has had a major loss will be more sensitive to this movie than someone who hasn’t.  I may have been more comfortable watching this one at home.

God gave me a little something extra in this movie.  In my previous post, I wrote about the feelings I believe someone has that is cutting themselves or inflicting pain on themselves in some other way.  It was very difficult for me to put those words out for everyone to see.  The boy in this movie is pinching himself.  It took my breath away when they first showed him doing this.  His torso was covered in self inflicted bruises.  I believe that my seeing this movie just two days after I wrote about something so difficult was God’s way of confirming I wrote exactly what He wanted me to write.

In closing, I recommend the movie.  and God will use anything and everything to show us how much He loves us.

Thanks for reading : ) 

Laid Bare……….again.

I have revealed things  about myself on this blog that I never thought I would.  I’ve written about some very low times.  Each time I’ve written them, I thought I didn’t have any more secrets.  God has brought something else to my remembrance. I have to believe this is written in God’s perfect timing and someone reading needs to know about my thoughts during a very painful time.

Peyton had been in Heaven only a short time.  Tom and I had gone to bed and I was crying.  I was crying very deep and hard.  Through my sobs, I told Tom, “I can’t cry hard enough.  I can’t cry hard enough to rid myself of this terrible sadness.” 

Days later, maybe even weeks later, this thought came to my mind.  I’ll never forget where I was when it came.  Tom & I were pulling into the garage.  I thought, “if I could scrape my arm against the bricks of the house, I think that would release some of this anguish I am feeling.”  I couldn’t believe my own mind.  I knew this was totally unreasonable, but it didn’t shock me. 

I let that thought saturate my brain; then I knew. 

This is what someone who cuts themselves or uses some other type of self mutilation feels like.  These are the thoughts and feelings they have.  Their pain is so great, so unmanageable, so hopeless they don’t know what else to do.  Then they follow through with the thought.  I’m sure the physical pain must give some type of relief from their mental pain and torment or they wouldn’t continue to do it. 

I did not follow through with the thought so I don’t know for sure about that last statement, but it makes sense to me.  I can only imagine that the temporary relief they feel makes them want to do it again to escape. It isn’t a solution.  The pressure may ease, but it’s only temporary.

My relief came from my Heavenly Father.  He is real and He loves me so much.  He loves you too, no matter what you have done or have thought about doing.  If you are in the kind of pain I’ve talked about, please ask God to help you.  He will.   My email address is on my profile if you need it.

Thanks for reading.

ps I got out of bed to write this post.  I knew I wasn’t going to sleep until I did.  Now I am hesitant to click “publish”  I must have done it anyway or you wouldn’t be reading this now.  Thank you Lord; You lead me to do Your will.

More Evidence of His Love

I’m sitting in my living room watching American Idol with my best friend.  Her daughter was born 3 days after Peyton.  When we get together our conversation inevitably turns to our children.  We had just finished talking about them and I look at the TV and this is what I see in the crowd.

 

 

I have posted about Peyton being #7 on his baseball team.  There was one year when he played for a team called…..wait for it……Wildcats.

God wants me to know I am not alone.  He cares for me every instant of every day. 

Thanks for reading : )

Pinterest

I am a big fan of Pinterest!! 

How many times have you found something on the internet only to not be able to find it again?  I’ve put websites on my “favorites” or “bookmarked” them, but my list was getting too long.  Pinterest enables you to collect your favorite websites in one place, categorize them however you see fit and pulls a picture to remind you exactly what it was you liked so much.

I’ve got categories for different types of recipes, crafts, decorating ideas, even cool manicures.  Pinterest is unlimited, just like the internet, because that’s what it is.  It links you to your favorite things on the internet.  Not only can you find stuff other people have pinned and pin it to yours, you can find something on the internet and pin it so others can see it. 

It can be very time consuming.  I had to regulate myself and actually MAKE SOMETHING from Pinterest before I pinned anything else.  What’s the point of having all these cool ideas piled up if you never do anything with them???

Here is a picture of a Valentine project I finished yesterday.  I’m experimenting with different lighting for my pics, so yes, this project is sitting in my bathroom sink

Here’s a close up.  I punched a bunch of tiny hearts from scrapbook paper and then glued them in the shape of a big heart.  The paper I glued it on was a precut scrapbook paper, with a red piece of paper beind it.  The frame was on clearance and Tom painted it black for me.  He is an expert spray painter : ).  I think it turned out pretty good.

Thanks for reading! : )

4 years

January 12, 2012 – Peyton has been in Heaven for 4 years.

What can I write about what we’ve been through the last 4 years that you haven’t read from me before?  I’m having a difficult time thinking of something to write so I’ll do my usual.  I’ll tell you what has been on my mind, the ugly stuff and the glorious stuff.

I miss Peyton.  I love him as much as I always have even though I haven’t talked to him in what seems like forever.  Sometimes I think about what we are missing because he is not here.  I want to know what he would be like today. I want to know what he would have accomplished. Tears still come.  Sometimes I feel awful and can’t believe this is my life.  When I hear people planning for the future, say 10 years down the road, I don’t like it.  I don’t want to think about being on this earth and missing Peyton for 10 more years.  I HATE that there will come a day when Peyton has been in Heaven longer than he was on earth with me. 

Even though these thoughts are with me, I do not dwell on them.  Agonizing over what I do not have is not what God wants for my life.  I know God has plans and blessing for me.  He has never left me and has blessed me abundantly already.  God loves me, that is why I have been able to function EVERY DAY, since Peyton has been gone.  God has equipped and provided me with EVERYTHING  I have needed, not to  just survive these days, but to find JOY.  Working through grief is HARD WORK, but with God all things are possible.  I am a work in progress. 

I know I will be reunited with my son, FOR ETERNITY, never to be separated again.

I have to post some pics of my boy.

Thanks for reading : )

Small Town Grocer

I’ve been thinking about this post off and on for awhile.  A comment on Facebook brought it to the front of my thoughts, so here it is.

There is a man in our town that owned the local grocery store.  His name is Leonard.  I don’t know the dates that he owned it.  I only know I have known him most of my life in that store.  He retired a few years ago.  The celebration that was thrown honored him in a great way.  There were door prizes, cake, etc.  What was so amazing was the town’s support of this endeavor.  I know many, many merchants donated prizes and made this day special.  It is so good to honor someone while they are around to enjoy it!!

I’m sure Leonard was buddies with a lot of the kids that came through his store.  I believe that Peyton held a special place in his heart.  Leonard lives not to far down the road from us and we see him working out in his yard, mowing, weeding, putting up Christmas lights and the like.  One day, Peyton and I were driving past his place while Leonard was mowing.  Peyton turned to me and said, “Mom, do you think I could work for Leonard someday?”  I said, “I’m sure you could get a job in his store when you are old enough (Peyton was around 7 or 8 at this time)  Peyton looks at me and says, “not in the store, in his YARD, I want to drive his tractor!”  I love that kid!!

After Peyton’s accident, I would see Leonard in the store.  He expressed his condolences.  But there was more in his eyes.  You see, Leonard’s son is also in Heaven.  Lenny has been in Heaven since the mid 80s.  He was a great guy.  I didn’t know him well, just the friendliness he showed when I would go into the store.  But I will never forget him.

Lenny and Leonard are two people who brought me comfort and they didn’t know it.  I saw Leonard carry on after the death, moving to Heaven of his son.  When the fear would grip me that people would forget Peyton, I would remember Lenny.  This person with a warm personality and friendly demeanor is in my mind and heart forever.  This fact gives me comfort and a knowing that my boy won’t be forgotten either.

Thanks for reading : )