Books to Read

Yesterday's post was somewhat self-indulgent. I was wallowing far too much. I did get myself together and I started reading a new book. It is a book about Heaven. Intra Muros, My Dream of Heaven by Rebecca Ruter Springer. "the story itself presents it as a vision, her subtitle presents it as a dream." I am only about 50 pages into it and so far it is good. It sounds accurate as far as my human mind can tell and I haven't had any checks in my spirit about anything yet. There was a part I found really cool. This woman was visiting with her parents in Heaven and her dad was called away to do his job. His job was "called usually to those who enter life with little preparation - what we on earth would call a death-bed repentance." I thought that was so cool, the phrase "enter life". She was talking about entering Heaven!!! The people who got saved just as their earthly life was ending, they had no knowledge of spiritual things and this man was one of the ones who instructs them after they get to Heaven. How awesome is that!!!

This is another book I have read. 90 Minutes in Heaven. It is good too. It tells about a man who was in a car accident and pronounced dead at the scene. A minister stopped at the accident and prayed for him. He survived, but was in Heaven for 90 minutes. Again, it sounds accurate as far as my human mind can tell.

When I started reading the book last night, I wondered if I was becoming obsessed with Heaven. Then I figured if Peyton was in China, I would want to read everything that I could about China. Especially since I too, will be living in Heaven someday. So for now, I've decided I am normal. (laughing and typing)

If we all thought more about what it is like in Heaven, we wouldn't get so wrapped up in the small annoying things that go on in this temporary earthly life. We would have more of a "don't sweat the small stuff" attitude. We could save our focus and energy for more significant things, eternal things.

I am learning so much on this journey, eternal stuff. From the minute Peyton was gone, I had a supernatural revelation of God's love for me, it saturated me. All these years I thought I knew, but now it is different. He loves me so much even on the days I lose my focus and wallow in the grief. He never gives up on me. I am a work in progress.

I've never started a post without having at least an idea about what I am going to say, but here I am. These last few days have not been great. My focus is not where I think it should be. I've even had trouble sleeping and I don't usually have any trouble in that dept.

Last night I dreamed I was talking to my best friend and I was telling her how much I missed Peyton. I started crying and I woke myself up crying. Thought about getting up and blogging, but I didn't know if that would make it harder to go back to sleep. Now that I think about it, I should have prayed. Guess I missed it. A few nights ago, I dreamed about Peyton too. He was young and I was helping him get ready to take a bath. As I was running the water, I was thinking how much I wanted to be with him. I had an ache inside me; I missed him so much. I decided in the dream, I was going to take the next day off work and spend it with him. Then I woke up.

I have so many wonderful things in my life, Godly husband, loving church family, friends, good job, everything a person could want. It is hard to strike a balance between remembering Peyton and dwelling on what I do not have. I want to think about him and all the good times. I have to be able to do this and keep on living in the present and looking forward to the future.

My best friend, the one in my dream last night, her daughter and Peyton were born 3 days apart. She shot lots of video of them when they were together. This is a short clip of him riding her daughter's spring horse singing an appropriate song. I couldn't have done what it says, but sometimes I wished I would have. He was so stinkin' smart. He was only 2 yrs old in this video.

No Question

Focus. Focus. Focus. What am I going to focus on today? My loss? How much I miss Peyton? OR God's Grace. God's Mercy. God's Love.

I just noticed I didn't put a question mark after those last three things. I guess there is no question or doubt about His grace, mercy and love for me. I post to record the battle. This battle was short. I'm thinking this is going to be a trend. When the devil comes in with negative thoughts, the recovery is going to come quicker.

This one is easy to title now.

Pickle Aisle

The other day I was at Wal-Mart and ran into a woman I know. I have known her for 30 years. She works at a place we go to regularly so she has met Peyton and has known him pretty much his whole life. She had expressed her condolences when Peyton went to Heaven. I greeted her and she asked how we were doing. I said "good". Then she asked how the "kiddo" was doing. I acted like I didn't hear her and said again that we were doing good. She then was asking what grade he was in. I looked at her and said, "________, he is in heaven." Of course she was mortified and apologized. She knew what had happened to Peyton, it just wasn't at the forefront of her mind anymore. Do you know what this did to me............right there in the pickle aisle at Wal-Mart??????

It STRENGTHENED me. To look her in the face.......without a catch in my voice..........and be able to say.........He is in Heaven, made me feel strong. I know where my son is and I can make it come out of my mouth.

I know this woman had a hard time with herself when she left Wal-Mart and I felt bad for her. I told her it was okay and I knew that she knew about Peyton. Nothing I could say to her would make her feel better, but I left Wal-Mart feeling good.

My God is awesome and He loves us so much.

Car Conversation

This morning on the way to church, my husband and I had this conversation.

Me: I really like that shirt.

Tom: Thanks, it makes me think of Charlie Brown.

Me: Charlie Brown's shirt is yellow and black.

Tom: Yeah but it has stripes.

Me: His shirt has one black zig zag stripe in the middle, yours has small white stripes.

Tom: Well, it's brown.

Me: I guess, that is his last name.

I am laughing about this all over again. Tom cracks me up. After this exchange of words, I told him I was definitely going to put it on the blog. I hope it made you smile.

Fred would be Proud?

Went bowling Friday night with a great group of people from church. I am immeasurably appreciative that there was no video of this event. I STINK AT BOWLING. I had a couple of people trying to coach me, but to no avail. My first game was 55, my second.......37. It was comical to say the least. My husband, who had never bowled before scored an 85 and then somewhere in the 90s on the second game.

I am extremely proud that I figured out how to put a You Tube video on this post. There was a reference to Fred Flinstone regarding someone's approach to the lane. (No need to mention names, you know who you are.)

A fun time was add by all. I'm not sure if I'll do that again. I can't wait for the comments on this post, thanks in advance for the sarcasm PK.

No Matter the Day

Today is a good day for a list; things I am thankful for. I'm having a positive, victorious day, but there is something on the fringes of my mind that is trying to influence how I live my day today. It is the first day of school. It would have been Peyton's Sr. year. I know he is living it up in Heaven and I am jealous. I would love to be with him, but I have God given assignments to finish here on earth.

Father God, bring to my mind new things to be thankful for, things I haven't thought of before.

I am thankful for:

getting to know a friend from Michigan, as she prepares to move to this area.
a blessed day for all the students going back to school
your Word touching my life in new and exciting ways.
a closeness to you unlike anything I've experienced before.
the journey
the destination
more of You and less of me.

Lord, I thank You for Your love. I thank you for the precious blood of Jesus. In You I have complete victory.