Lacking Substance?

A good friend read my last blog post and then ask me some questions.  Questions I should have answered in the post, but didn’t.  It got me to thinking.  Have I glossed over too much lately?  Am I lacking substance in my posts?  I have and yes, my posts are lacking substance.

I haven’t wanted to post anything.  I don’t want to examine the changes my life is continuing to go through.   I have been superficial to make it easier to write. 

I decided when I first started this blog I would tell all, good, bad and the ugly.  It’s not really all that ugly, but it is deep and new to me.  I have mentioned “growing as a person”, “God bringing change into my life”, “letting go of limits” and “stepping out of my comfort zone”, but haven’t gone into detail.  I don’t want to be conscious of the changes, because then I will have to face how pitiful I was before.  : )

Changes

Working out – not confining myself to the treadmill, but venturing out into kettle bell workouts & kick boxing.  I’ve been wanting to do kick boxing for some time.  I’m not far into either of these, but I will be, there is no stopping or turning back.  No more excuses.

Bow Shooting – This activity was so foreign to me.  That was the reason to do it!!!!!!

Doing things myself.  It is very easy to fall into “I can’t do ___________ by myself”, when you have a great partner who will do it with you or FOR YOU. 

I wasn’t alone when I went to Boston, but Tom wasn’t there for me to count on if things got difficult.  Boston is great, but doing it on my own was the most beneficial part of the trip.

I shampooed the living room carpet.  This seems so random, but I had never done it before.  Tom did it for us.  I realized I could do it and I did.  Tom wasn’t even home : )   There are several small things like this that I have done lately.  It makes me feel capable and accomplished.

If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, I hope you find these confessions of inadequacy strange and out of character.  God has graced me in some areas and I am grateful.  God is showing me other areas to change and He is pruning me.  I am grateful for this too.  I will not stop growing!!!!!!!!

Thanks for reading :)

and here’s a picture of my boy, cause I am really missing him.

World Traveler?…….only the U.S. so far :)

Another journey out of my comfort zone.

I have flown 3 times in my life.  All three times have been since Peyton has been in Heaven.  This time was the first time to fly without my husband.  God has brought some very cool opportunities to me.  He loves me so much.

Do you know this skyline?  It was the view from my hotel room a week ago.

Boston Massachusetts!!!!!! 

I had a wonderful trip with a great lady.  We are friends, co-workers, sisters in Christ and we graduated high school together!!

We were there for a work conference.  We were able to fit in some sight seeing.  Boston is a great city.

Street Performer

 

Fresh flower stand.

 

Caroline and I after our carriage ride through the city.

 

This is embedded in the sidewalk.  There is  a 2.5 mile Freedom Trail you can follow of historical landmarks

Statue of Paul Revere.  Yes, there is a Bruins jersey on it.  The locals were very proud of it.  I don’t know if they put it on him or not :)

  

I took this picture while on a trolley tour.  I wish I would have seen it up close.  It is a Holocaust memorial.  The six columns represent the smokestacks from the ovens in the concentration camps.  There are  victims’ names engraved on the walls of the columns.  Such a horrific event that we should not forget. 

My life is changing in ways I would not have imagined.  It is full of good things and I am growing as a person.  God doesn’t want us to remain the same.  God’s character stays the same, but He is a progressive and mobile God.  He wants us to go beyond.  Beyond what we can even imagine.  I am continually letting go of preconceived ideas and limits.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  I am More than a Conqueror……….and so are you!!!!

Thanks for reading :)

p.s.

The ESPN show about rodeo safety that I talked about in this post, is supposed to air this Sunday, June 19th.  It is going to be on the show “Outside the Lines” on ESPN2, 9:00 a.m. central time.

I do not know how much they will use of the footage they took of us or how much they will mention Peyton.  I don’t believe that was the purpose them coming.  You can read about that in this post too ;)

A New Hobby

I have been stepping out of my comfort zone…….a lot. 

The new hobby I mentioned in the previous post is bow shooting.  I don’t plan on hunting.  I’m shooting at targets only.  I know there are bow competitions held around here.  Who knows?  I may sign up for one :)

Here is what happened the first time I shot.

Two huge bruises on my forearm.  Bruises I learned from.

Sorry for the blurriness.  I am having camera issues.

I’m all healed up and shooting again, getting more accurate all the time (and stronger, pulling back that bow is not easy)

This is Mrs. Peanut, she is getting good!!!

 

I love this pic of Tom and I shooting together.  A symbol of change, new interests and living life.

 

I can’t help but think of Peyton when I shoot.  I know he would be so proud of his mom!!!

Thanks for reading :)

Empty Nest

Tom & I are very different people.  He loves the outdoors, fishing, hunting, etc.  I am an inside person, reading, cooking, tv, etc.  The things we  have in common are our relationship with God, church activities and our son.

Parenting Peyton was the focus of our lives. We share our memories of him and we share missing him.  But we can no longer share his everyday life. 

Parents adjust to “empty nest” syndrome all the time.  It is especially difficult when the empty nest doesn’t come naturally.  In the “normal” order of things, your child or children gradually pull away from you as they mature and then they go out on their own. 

I remember as Peyton was maturing and wanting more independence; it was very hard to let go.  I knew it could be a great battle between us, so I was honest with him.  I told him that he would have to be patient with me; and that it was hard for me to adjust to him growing up, but I would get there.

The time for me to “get there'” was cut short and I was suddenly thrown into living without him.  He’s not coming home for a visit.  Peyton will not bring us grandchildren. 

Tom & I have many surrogate children that bring us much joy, but I’ll be darned if they aren’t growing up and leaving too.  As it should be.  (and they better bring me some surrogate grandchildren in the not so distant distant future)  We still have our favorite little guys to play with and some other babies are already on the way. :)

 

Thanks for reading :)

This post did not turn out the way I started it at all.  The title was “A New Hobby”.  Tom and I have found ourselves looking for things to do together.  I have taken up a hobby that Tom has been doing for awhile.  I’ll tell you all about it in another post.

Is that Fear?

The first time I spoke to the producer of the ESPN story, I was very nervous afterward.  I wasn’t sure if this was something Tom and I should do.  Fear had a very loud voice and I was listening.  I was having trouble distinguishing if the thoughts I was having were fear or God telling me not to do it. 

I told a few people that I was nervous and was told twice, “You don’t have to do this.”  I was shocked at their words but they were right; I didn’t have to do this.  Then I knew it was fear talking to me the whole time.  I did have to do this.

There is a difference between fear and a check (uneasiness) in your spirit.  If you feel a check or STOP in your spirit, you need to stop.  If it’s fear………laugh in its face.  Don’t let fear steal a blessing.  Don’t let fear stop you from being a blessing.  I was taught, “Feel the fear and do it any way.” 

God is with us always.  He leads us to victory.

Thanks for reading :)

ESPN…………really.

God is a wonderful conductor and will orchestrate things perfectly, if we let Him.

There were several links in the chain of events that put a producer from ESPN in touch with me.  We emailed a few times and spoke on the phone.  Tom and I agreed to do an interview for a story on rodeo safety.  I didn’t understand why we were doing the interview and I examined my motives carefully.  Was I doing it for notoriety? for an opportunity to talk about Peyton?  something cool to blog about?  Lots of self examination going on inside my head, but I got peace about it.  I was still nervous and my stomach turned over about three times any time I thought about it.

Last Monday the reporter, Paula and I spoke on the phone.  She wanted to introduce herself and talk a little before she came to our home on Wednesday.   She told me this would be a difficult interview for her because her 5  month old baby boy, Wyatt had gone to Heaven in December. 

Now I knew why we were doing this interview.  It was an opportunity to support a grieving mom.  God will go to great lengths to supply our every need.  I don’t want to make more of myself, because I have nothing uplifting or good outside of God.  He is my Father and is with me always.  The nervousness I had about the interview left me.  This arrangement wasn’t about the ESPN interview, it was about physical contact with a mother who misses her baby boy.  God is good, all the time.

On human terms, it was a very cool thing for us and I loved being able to talk about Peyton too :)  We had five people involved, two camera men, one sound man, a producer and the reporter.  I was interviewed for about 45 minutes; then they asked Tom some questions.  He did excellent :)  Here are a few pics of the process our home went through. 

Moving the furniture.

 

Using dining room chairs for the interview. (I don’t think the deer head made it into any of the shots.)

Sound man :)

 

Putting up clothe to block the uncooperative sunlight.

 

The crew testing the camera angles, sound equipment, etc.

Camera man looking into the monitor.

Me, Paula & Tom :)

Everyone was really nice (and they moved the furniture back)

Thanks for reading :)

Me & Funerals

Friday, I attended a funeral for a great man, Charles B. Dyer.  He has been the superintendent of our school system since 1968.  Mr. Dyer was a pioneer and a visionary concerning the funding of our public schools.  His funeral was large and had some very important people in attendance, such as Arkansas  Governor Mike Beebe.  A letter from former President Bill Clinton was read and other people spoke.  I did not attend this funeral because it was a big, important person’s.  I attended to show the family support.  I have been a good friend of Mr. Dyer’s son since high school. 

I confess that before Peyton’s accident, I did not think attendance of funerals was very important.  Not because I am an unfeeling person, but because I believed the family wouldn’t  know if I were there or not.  I was wrong.

When I think back on all the people that attended Peyton’s visitation and funeral, I am grateful.  I am grateful that people would put aside their own schedules and show support to hurting people.

It was several months before I was able to go to a funeral after Peyton’s.  I didn’t want to make a spectacle of myself.  I am strong enough now to go and show my support and sympathy.

If you think like I used to think, think again.  Your presence is appreciated and the families are blessed by your attendance.

Thanks for reading :)

p.s. The ESPN thing I talked about in this post……it happened Wednesday.  I will post it tomorrow :)