Monday, September 15, 2008

Tis the Season

As the fall season comes, it brings the sadness closer to the surface. This will be Tom's first hunting season without Peyton. We have been living without Peyton for 8 months, but with each passing event and season we have to adjust our expectations and face them without our son. I not only mourn for myself, but I see my husband living with the huge hole in his heart. We were a very close family and enjoyed each other. Tom and Peyton had so many things they did together, especially this time of year. They cut wood for our stove and for Peyton to make gas money. They hunted and camped, I cannot imagine that deer camp without him. I know Tom will struggle, but he will hunt. We believe it honors Peyton for us to carry on, even when our heart is breaking.

I had to stop writing this yesterday, too many emotions. Today I am better. My God is bigger than any grief and He is the source of my joy. I am just so puzzled at these emotional days. I will have a few good days and then, right back to the pain. I don't feel guilt when I have good days, I enjoy them and thank God for them. They just don't seem to last. Some days I think of Peyton and smile, other times I can't even look at his picture. On those days I am desperate to find something to make me feel better. That is when I go to other blogs, especially our Pastors'. They are always uplifting and usually funny. Pastor Kevin and Susan are gifts from God, blessing us abundantly every time we are around them.

I will focus on my blessings and God will lift me out of this funk I am in. I am blessed with a wonderful husband, great friends and coworkers, and an awesome church family. Tom and I were asked by one of Peyton's classmates to present her with her class ring on Thursday at the ring ceremony at the school. I am able to go, but Tom can't. I think it will be a challenge to hold it together, but I felt honored to be asked. I love those kids and am so glad they are still a part of our lives.

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