Wednesday, February 25, 2009

A Blog I Read

I don't remember if I have ever mentioned a blog I sometimes read. Her post from yesterday is exceptionally good, not only the content but the way it is written. It is called Bring the Rain. Her prayer at the end is especially touching and very real. I can relate.

Lord, keep me soaked in humility and hungry for what brings You glory. Mold me in spirit and deed to be more like You until the day you call me home . I miss her, Father, and you know what my human, broken heart feels right now, even as I type these words...I would give it all back to see her again...

Father, in your mercy and for Your sake, would You allow me to be a part of the mending? I love you and need You desperately. She is safe with you, Jesus. I rest in that. May Your name be lifted high in everything You call me to do, and may I never walk where You have not led me. Thank you, Lover of my soul, you have blessed me with favor I do not deserve.

Thank you.

Why can't I be happy with the way God made me? I WANT TO BE NICE!! and write nice God inspired posts. I feel like I am so "in your face" sometimes, not just here but in person too. I know every trait I have is not God-given, but flesh and I can overcome it.

Great.......this blogging thing is a Catch22, I want to write how I feel, but don't want you to think I expect you to say I am alright

I am a work in progress. God won't give up on me and neither will I.

Monday, February 23, 2009

24 Years!!!!

Today is mine and Tom's anniversary!! We have been married 24 years and it has been wonderful. I cannot imagine being on this journey of life with anyone else. Tom is a great husband and always has been.

Last night I asked him what he did the night before our wedding. He looked at me at grinned and said him and a couple of buddies were out driving the dirt roads.........with a light. Of course, I am sure he was thinking of me the whole time.

Happy Anniversary Tom Jackson. I love you.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

My Eyes Are Open, My Heart is Changing

I have been thinking about this post since last Sunday. God used Matt Beemer to speak to my heart.

In the past, I have kept my focus on the local church body. Ever since Peyton's accident, I think about all the people in Heaven. There are people from all over the world........people from the beginning of Heaven and I wonder; who has Peyton met? When Pastor Beemer was speaking, I realized we are one church body and I should be interested in what is going on in other parts of the Body. What ministries are going on that need my help? I have never felt as connected to the Church as I felt on Sunday. Pastor Susan, our prayers are working. My eyes are open and my heart is changing.

I think this is the first time in a year that I have cried over something besides my loss.

How 'bout a cold one?

I just ordered a shaved ice machine!!!
I've been wanting to get one for a few years now. I ordered 10 different flavors of syrup. Can you see yourself......kicked back on our deck with a yummy shaved ice in your hand? I'll let you know when it comes in.

I just figured out how to add these kinds of simple.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

My "fortune"

Went to Lin's Garden today for lunch. I wanted to share my "fortune" with you.
"The world will soon be ready to receive your talents"

Watch out world!!!!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Colorado Company

Our visit with the Coloradoans (don't know if this is a word or not) was really good. We checked out Lake Ft. Smith and drove around Alma, hitting all the high spots. Mostly we just hung out and visited. Some of our Alma friends came over and met them on Friday night and a few of the kids came over on Sunday night and hung out. It is good to feel comfortable enough to do "nothing" with people. Their son's name is Stuart and they miss him too.

I have still been fighting some emotions, but I believe that is the key...fighting. I am winning. There are times when I miss Peyton so much I can't stand it. I want to carry Peyton with me into my future without sadness. I want his memory to bring me joy and laughter. I want to enjoy the life he had with us without dwelling on the fact he is not here. I don't want to live in the past, but live in anticipation with what I have here and now.

My God is bigger than this.
My God directs my path.
He is showing me the way.
His Glory is now and in my future.
Peyton is with me in my mind and heart, always
I remember him with joy.
My life with Peyton was blessed.
My life without Peyton is blessed
God is moving forward
I am moving forward
I cannot be defeated.
I am a work in progress

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The "D" word.

I am blessed

to live in America
with a great husband and friends.
that it is Tuesday (Biggest Loser night with the Peanuts)
with a CLEAN car
to have visionaries for Pastors
to have a good job
with Colorado friends coming to visit
to know the Truth (it sets me free)

I am fighting depression. It creeps in and tries to take over. I will not give satan a foothold. God did not give me a spirit of fear, but of POWER, LOVE AND A SOUND MIND. I wish I could type in tongues......that would be so cool.

I have fought depression before and won. It hasn't shown up in several years. I am not surprised, just annoyed. Some people may think I have a reason to be depressed, but I don't think that. I miss Peyton and wish he were here, but I know where he is. He has reached our destination before us. He is with our Father and he is happy. Isn't that our goal, that our children be happy and live successful lives? Peyton was a success and I am proud.

My life is different......but I am still blessed. Depression has to go in the name of Jesus. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. I am covered by the Blood. My Father loves me.

This state of mind will not defeat me. satan is weak, but God in me is strong.

Monday, February 2, 2009

The Deed is Done....almost

Yesterday Tom & I put away most of Peyton's things. The bed has been cleared, the headboard is cleaned and dusted. Most of the personal stuff is in the closet. We did leave the baseball trophies on top of the TV armoire. I know we will get those put away too. It was harder than I thought. The emotions overwhelmed both of us, but we did it. His room is ready for guests......Colorado company. They are arriving Thursday evening.

One day I will go through everything, keeping some stuff, throwing some away. I threw away his toothbrush yesterday....very hard. I used to go into his bathroom periodically and throw something away, gel, facial cleanser, misc bathroom stuff. I thought if I did it without thinking, someday it would be done. I kept leaving the hard stuff like the toothbrush, comb etc. We will deal with all of it in time. It takes so much energy and I don't have it to spend right now.