Sunday, June 28, 2009

Life Goes On

Peyton has been in Heaven almost 18 months, aka 1 1/2 yrs. The time is stretching out, no longer measured in mere months, but years. It is hard to believe it has been this long, but then again it isn't hard to believe at all. Peyton's friends have all had at least one birthday since he's been gone. Some of them have had two. I miss him so much.

In the beginning there were times I felt like I was going to shatter into a million pieces. I don't know what I thought was going to cause the breaking apart, I just knew it could happen at any moment and the pieces would be swept up and I would be finished. It never happened. I have cried in many public places, church, Wal-Mart, Chik-fil-a, the mall, the auto shop, work, friends homes, school, etc., but I left each one of those places in one piece.

Do you have any children?
I have avoided that question.
I have answered that question with tears in my eyes.
I have answered that question with a smile on my face.

The answer is, "Yes I have a son, he lives in Heaven". That is the Truth and I cannot worry about people's reaction to the answer. The first time I was able to give that answer, the lady then told me she also had a child in Heaven. I have seen this person off and on for about 4 years and I never knew. Now I do. Right after Peyton's accident, a man Tom works with told him he had lost his son too. It had been about 15 years ago. Tom has worked with this person for almost that whole time. Tom never knew. This man never speaks about his son. He had tears in his eyes and agony in his heart when he told Tom of his loss saying, "But he was my son". How he can keep that hurt locked inside, I do not understand.

Father God, use me. I thank you Lord that what satan has meant for evil, You can turn for good.

Life is going on without him; I am going on without him. I don't like it, but I have no choice. I have lots of "normal" days. I don't even like that word anymore, "normal". What is normal? Everything is relative.

People are not as cautious when they are around us. That is good. In the beginning we were shown so much love, compassion and tenderness. We needed it to help us start healing. Now we are 18 month old survivors. We can walk on our own but we still love our friends company and fellowship. We are safe with them and can talk about Peyton if we need to or just remember something funny he said or did. Thank you.

Some of our friends just received their first grandchild. I am happy for them and I am jealous. Grief wants me to focus on what I do not have. God wants me to focus on Him and on what He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all I can even think or imagine. I choose to do things God's way.
I am amazed at the healing that has taken place in my heart. The ordinariness (is this a word?) of most of my days shocks me. I still miss Peyton; I still cry because I miss Peyton. In spite of this, I am a productive person. I am expecting extraordinary things from God. His plans for me are big!

Monday, June 22, 2009

Adult Conversation - Peyton Story #3

This story is kinda related to the Father's Day story below. I have been wanting to tell this one, but was waiting until I found the picture Peyton drew. I haven't found it. I kept it for years, I don't know if finally threw it away or what. So here is the story, no picture.

When Peyton was about 11, I was working at Wilson Brothers' Automotive (a favorite of Jake's). The shop wasn't far from where we live and sometimes I would bring Peyton to work with me for awhile. One day Peyton was explaining to one of the owners how to filet a fish.

You cut straight down behind the gill until you feel the bone, then you slice toward the tail staying above the bone stopping just before you reach the end of the fish. Using your knife, flip the filet so it is meat side up with the scales on the table. Then run your knife under the meat just above the scales. Turn the fish over and do it all again.

The guy didn't understand. Peyton drew him a picture. The guy is listening and watching. He completely understood how to filet a fish when Peyton was finished. This instance has always stuck in my brain as the first time I heard my son have a "conversation" with an adult. I was impressed. He knew his stuff and was confident.

I was so blessed to have Peyton and I knew it. He amazed me time and time again with his intelligence and heart.

Thank you Lord that I was conscious of my blessings and appreciative when they were staring me in the face. I have many blessings in my life right now and I thank you for them. Use me Lord to be a blessing to others because that is the only way to live. Amen.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Father's Day

Peyton has the best father. There were so many days they were in separable. Tom was very hands on and active in everything Peyton did. Below are some photos that depict an example of Tom's teaching skills. Both of the boys in these pictures have great fathers too. We are grateful and honored to be allowed to speak into their lives. A young man cannot have too many positive and Godly influences.

They are learning to filet fish, a very important skill when you are a good fisherman!

Friday, June 19, 2009

God Knows

I went with a couple of friends to see Casting Crowns last night. It was really really good. As we were singing (I say "we" cause, you know you have to sing along at a concert) Praise Him in this Storm, I was thinking about the storms in our lives. Each of the women I was with was going through a storm; myself included. I looked around the auditorium and thought each person in here could be going through a different storm. God knows each and every one of them. That is amazing to me. Our God is so big and yet so personal. He loves us so much.

I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Not only does He know about the storms, He will help us come out victorious.

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I thank you Father God, you have never left me. You reside in me and strengthen me. I can do all things through Christ.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Home Sweet Home

We took a trip to San Antonio this weekend. We had a good time, but I am so glad to be home. I am ready to sleep in my own bed. I took this pic when we drove up.

Tom & I took Michael & Jason with us. They are my cousins. Michael is a year older than Peyton and Jason a year younger. We have lived by each other most of their lives so the boys were more like brothers than cousins. I was always glad Peyton had them, since he was an only child.
Here is a picture of Michael & Jason. Michael (on the right) was one of the valedictorians of his Senior class this year. In his speech, he thanked Jesus Christ for giving up His life for us. He got quite a bit of applause for that. I am so proud of him.

We went to Sea World. Love watching the killer whales. They are amazing animals.

We ate some good Mexican food, strolled the River Walk, saw the Alamo and went to the outlet mall on the way home. I don't think outlet malls are all they are cracked up to be, not what I would call "outlet prices"
We encountered some interesting people in the quickie mart while standing in line for the bathroom. I'm not going to tell about it here because it was literally, "bathroom humor". We laughed alot, mostly at my husband. As I have mentioned before he is very funny. He is also my hero. He manuevered the road through Dallas like a pro. The busiest traffic he has ever driven in was Little Rock. Dallas was like.................Little Rock on crack. I am sure he would tell you that his hero of the trip was......................Garmin!! Love that thing, we used it for the first time for this trip. Michael & Jason asked what people did before they had Garmin. People used maps?
All in all a good trip, but I am thinking beach next year.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Organ Donor

Peyton was an organ donor. I was so proud of him the day he got his driver's license and it showed he was an organ donor. We hadn't even discussed it before. We should have, it is important. I'm glad he knew the right thing to do.

Today I wrote a letter to LifeShare of Oklahoma. This is the organization that takes care of organ donation for Oklahoma. There may be others, I don't know. The procedure is for you the donor family, to write a letter to the recipient family. You can tell anything you want, but no last names, cities, addresses etc. You then mail this letter to LifeShare. They in turn mail it to the recipient family/families. It also works in reverse, the recipient family could write first. If you get a response, you then correspond anonymously for awhile and then you may decide to meet.

I wanted to write that letter sooner, but didn't. I do believe this is God's timing. I will admit, I feel very carnal......................I want a response.........................I want a happy ending.

Monday, June 8, 2009


Back in the day.................before I had a computer and blogging was not even a term, I wrote in a small journal. I was trying to record Peyton's life, something for him to have when he had children of his own. I was very very very very very sporadic writing about our everyday activities and Peyton's milestones. I have looked through it a few times since he went to Heaven. There is one entry I knew I would post on this blog. That is what seems to happen as far as postings. I think of something and I want to post right away, but usually I know to wait. I don't know why the Lord has me wait. Maybe someone needs to hear the story at a certain time or maybe I need to slow down so I can get perspective. This entry sums up a lot of Peyton. I always started every entry in this journal apologizing for not writing in it more. I will skip that.

You were into a twin bed in May of 1993. You looked so small in that big bed. Your pacifier is gone. Potty training is done. You're not a baby anymore. You're a little boy. Jesus lives in your heart. You can sing "Jesus Loves Me", Barney songs, Itsy Bitsy Spider, and ABCs. You are the smartest boy in town. We love you so much.

You talk ALL the time, telling us stories about hunting BUCK deer and bears. You have quite an imagination. You love the rodeo and pretend you are riding bulls and roping calves.

We bought a pool the summer of 1994. You can already swim. You have no fear.

I wrote a little bit more but it wasn't anything important.

Peyton was born Oct 22 1991. He accepted Jesus into his heart at a very young age. I was so proud that Tom & I were the ones to lead him to the Lord.

Tom nor I took the rodeo stuff seriously. It was just a game to us. Peyton was not raised riding horses. He played baseball. You know, something normal. He loved baseball. But I knew when he started riding bulls it was different. This was not something he was going to "get over". It was his passion and we could not deny it. I felt that this was his future. Rodeo was his calling. I didn't necessarily like it. I wasn't interested in it, but I was interested in my son and his life.

God needs Christian cowboys ministering the gospel. Peyton was on his way. There was a boy that became friends with Peyton at the rodeo. He told us he and Peyton prayed together before they rode. I had never seen Peyton pray with anyone but us. I would have loved to have seen that.

How proud I am of my son.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Bigger Steps

Very emotional right now, cleaning out some more of Peyton's things.

There is a boy from Alma in a hospital in Texas due to complications from a lung transplant. He has had a lung transplant due to cystic fibrosis. Next Friday and Saturday there will be a benefit yard sale for his family. I started gathering things up to donate to the sale. I hadn't planned on giving much of Peyton's stuff. Then I realized there will not be a better cause or a better opportunity.

In my head I know Peyton does not need these things. We do not need these things. It is another hard step to take. My heart is breaking because he will not wear or use these things again. I am sure I will battle my way back to the joy I know. I know Peyton is clothed in glory. He'll never have to shop again. (he didn't like shopping unless it was for boots LOL) I'm not really laughing out loud right now, but I will. I love that boy so much and he would be pleased his stuff is being put to good use.

Father God, I come to you in the name of Jesus.
Send your ministering angels to that hospital room in Houston. Let them hover over his bed and minister peace and strength to him and his mother. I ask that you send someone across their path to minister words of comfort to them. Thank you Lord for victory.

I am grateful

that my Lord never leaves me
for opportunities to glorify my Father
that I am able to move forward.
for my husband, I love him so much.

I am going to wipe my tears and pack this stuff into the car. I believe for a supernatural successful yard sale to help meet some of the physical needs of this family. Thank you Lord.

Monday, June 1, 2009

We got the Pig in the Ground.............

the water & cokes on ice, and all our faithful friends came over that night!!!!!!

All you wanted to know about roasting a pig in the ground but were afraid to ask.

Dig a hole. Tom didn't want to wait on the tractor, he did it the old fashioned way. I love this man, I come up with these crazy ideas and he does them!!!

We ordered the pig from a local butcher. It weighed 135 lbs. Everything I read on the internet said to allow 1 - 11/2 lbs per person. You have to keep it on ice until you are ready to cook it. You
need lots of help to handle that pig

Start your fire in the pit and let it burn down to coals. Tom burned about a rick of wood to get an adequate bed of coals.

Then he put these rocks in the pit and let them heat up. I didn't take a picture of the rocks on the coals because that was at 4:30 a.m. I was snoozing.

They butterflied the pig by cutting down its backbone, this will make sure it cooks evenly.

Rubbed it down with a dry rub.

Had the foil ready.

Rubbed it on the other side.

Wrapped up and ready to go. We had to put it back on ice until the coal bed was ready. We cooked it for 12 hours. Approximately 1 hr for every 10 lbs.

Put chicken wire underneath with handles on each end so we could pull it out of the pit in one piece.

It's in there cooking!!!! There were layers of wet cardboard put on top of the pig to keep the heat in, then sheet metal on top.

It's ready. There's the cardboard I mentioned before.

We used the four wheeler and a trailer to get it back to the house. See how handy that chicken wire was?


This is what it looked like with the skin pulled off. We had people serve themselves right off the trailer with some tongs to pull off the meat. It was very tender, falling off the bones!

Picking the meat off for leftovers

Happy kids, having fun

The cutest pig roasters of them all!!!

Everyone had a good time and PLENTY to eat.

These days if an idea comes to me, whether it be to call someone, send someone an email, start a blog, or cook a pig in the ground, I do it. What am I waiting for? Tomorrow? Tomorrow never gets here. So I listen for God and I obey. I will not miss any opportunities.
What are you waiting for? Just do it.