A New Battle

I haven’t written about missing Peyton as often as I used to.  I still miss him all the time.  The hard times are fewer and further between, but I have my moments.  I don’t write about it as much because there is nothing new to say about it.

In the beginning, I told myself over and over and over that Peyton was in Heaven and I would not see him again on this earth.  I felt if I told myself enough times, it would seem real.  The fact would soak into my brain and I would get used to it.  I live with it every day and there are still times it is unbelievable.

There is no longer a voice screaming in my head that I want him back.  There is a voice, but it isn’t screaming.  The weight that was on my chest isn’t there anymore.  I don’t know if it lifted all at once or if it got lighter and lighter until it wasn’t there. 

For so long my main focus was getting through each hour, each day, each week without losing my mind.  The battle has changed.  I keep wondering and thinking about what would Peyton  be doing if he were here.  How would things be different? 

This is not where my focus should be.  It is not living, wondering what if or if only.  It sneaks up on you at first.  I see Peyton’s friends living their lives and I think, What would Peyton be doing/saying etc.

When I catch myself doing this, I turn it around.  Instead of thinking about what he ISN’T doing on this earth, I think, “What IS PEYTON DOING IN HEAVEN?  What assignments has God given him?  I believe Heaven to be a very productive place.  Who has he met?  What was the reunion like between Peyton and his grandpa?  They had been separated for 13 years.  They are very close.  (did you notice I said are very close?)  I never imagined that Peyton would see him before we did.

I am looking forward to the future and seeing my boy again, but until then I will remember Peyton with joy.  I confessed and believed that for so long.  I had forgotten it until just now.  His memories do bring me joy, I want the thought of the present to bring me joy too.  I’ve slacked off writing “lists” so here goes.

My present is

filled with people who love me.

important and productive.

filled with opportunities to bless others.

a time for growth and strengthening myself.

victorious.

glorious.

bringing me closer to my future.

 

Weekend Recap

We had a very full weekend around the Jackson house. 

Friday – took off work at noon, YAY!!  Came home and made a humongous pot of potato soup.  10 pounds of potatoes went into that soup.

Tom went to the football game, big rivalry……which we lost by 4 points.  Burke the quarterback, a.k.a. QuarterBurke; who I’ve talked about in this post hurt his knee and didn’t get to play in the second half.  Praying for total recovery.  He goes to the Dr. Monday.

We had a houseful over after the game, which we always love.  The whole pot of potato soup was eaten, along with some BBQ meatballs, jalapeno popper dip, and apples with caramel cream cheese dip.

Got to bed about 1:30 a.m.

 

Saturday – Went to town to buy a birthday present for a little guy we love so much.  Turning 2 years old soon.  You can find his dad’s blog here.

I saw “The Christmas Carol – 3-D” Saturday afternoon.  It is very true to the original Dickens’ story.  Starts out a little slow and I thought a little scary for small kids.  The picture is incredibly beautiful.  When they are flying over the town, you feel like you are flying too.  The snowflakes look as though they may be landing in your lap.  I’m a fan of 3-D.  Makes you wonder what kind of technology comes next, maybe “smellavision”?

While I was at the movie, Tom had about 5 guys over sighting in their guns at the shooting range he built on the backside of our property.  Next weekend is the start of modern gun deer season.  He was showing them how to sight them in without shooting a whole box of shells.  One of the older guys said, “If you come over here (our house) you can learn something!”  I know that meant something to Tom or he wouldn’t have told me about it.  Tom is full of good stuff and it makes me happy he has people to impart it to.  Peyton was like a sponge and took in everything.  Tom misses teaching him things.  It is more blessed to give than receive.  When your child is in Heaven, a big avenue of giving is gone with them.  We have to find other ways to give and other people to give to.  Lord send them to us, guide us to them.

Saturday evening went to the little guys birthday party.  We had some good food and great fellowship.  However, my husband needs to learn not to play ball in the house.

Sunday – Church.  I don’t think I can adequately convey the message yet.  It was about grace and I struggle with that.  I am convinced it will saturate my heart and I will walk in great revelation.  I need it. 

Grace to take my place and run my race!!!

Project Graduation meeting Sunday afternoon, visit with my brother and his wife on Sunday night.

All in all, a full and blessed weekend!

I'm Networked with Facebook

When I post on my blog, I want it to show up on my Facebook wall. I thought I was going to have to change to a new blog format to do this. But behold.........all things are now connected. Thanks to Tammy. If you are interested it is called NetworkedBlogs.com. It did take me a few tries before it would ask take me to the screen to add my blog, but it finally did.

You can be a follower of my blog through Facebook, I haven't explored it much yet, but I think it will make it even easier to leave a comment.

I'm excited!!!!

The “I’s” DO NOT Have It!

I’ve been battling myself for several days.

I’m not enough of this.

I’m too much of that.

I’m not doing enough.

I’m doing too much.

I’m never good enough.

When I sat down to post tonight, I truly didn’t know what I was going to say.  My mind was full of negative thoughts about myself.  Then I started typing.  All those sentences start with “I”.  Proof once again, it’s all about focus.  The victory comes when I forget about myself and let God work through me. 

There are times when I need to examine myself and make adjustments.  But letting my mind go wild with thoughts of inadequacy is not productive and does not bring glory to my Lord.  I do not need to focus on myself, because God is focused on me.  I can’t beat that.

Father God, I come to you in the name of Jesus.  Forgive me Lord for focusing too much on myself.  I am Your vessel and I am full of Your Glory.  I am Your hands and Your feet.  I will draw on You and Your unlimited supply of love.  I will not clog up the flow of blessing that comes from You, through me, to others.  I love you Lord and I am Yours.

This song came to me after praying, so I thought I’d post it too.

Cold Weather Cooking #2

I hadn’t planned on doing a series on cooking, but I couldn’t think of a catchy title.

This is a picture of some thick, chickeny, dumplin filled goodness.

Are you drooling?  This is some good stuff, if I do say so myself.  Since it has been raining here in Arkansas for 40 days and 40 nights a long time, I thought Chicken –N- Dumplings would be a good meal to fix.  I don’t have a recipe, some of this and some of that but I do have a helpful hint.  DO NOT BOIL THE CHICKEN.  What?!?!?  I’ve always boiled the chicken.  I read somewhere that it dries it out and it does.  I thought, “what difference does it make, it’s in soup for Heaven’s sake?”  It makes a difference.  I used a rotisserie chicken and it is succulent in this dish.  I couldn’t believe the difference it made. 

Do y’all have a favorite cold weather meal?  Please share in the comments!

Before and After

This is the color of our dining room walls before Tom painted them, a very deep red almost a burgundy. Time for a change.

This is the color of our dining room walls after Tom painted them. The picture doesn’t show the color very well, but it is a really pretty green, “blanched thyme” Valspar brand at Lowe’s (if your so inclined.) This color will make it much easier for me to decorate for spring/Easter. I’m likin' it a lot. I’ve said it before, my husband is awesome and I love him so much~

Peyton’s bed before. Definitely decorated for a hunter. I was thrilled to buy that bedding for him. It has the Browning symbol all over it. (the rebel flag was given to us by some of Peyton’s friends after the accident, love the kids, but it is not something I approve of)

This is the bed in Peyton’s room after I bought new bedding. It took me awhile to build up the nerve to change it, but it had to be done. Every time I would walk in his room, it had the appearance that Peyton would be coming home any minute. I couldn’t leave it like that any longer. It was hard shopping for new stuff. I had that tightness in my chest that I had at the beginning of this grief journey. Shed a few tears right there in Kohl's. The deed is done and I am happy with it. I found something not too girly and a little countrified, so I am leaving the deer antlers and a couple other of Peyton’s things to help decorate the space. I’m not finished with it yet, but I will get there.

A close up of the pattern.

I’m going to have another post in a couple of weeks about “Before and After”. It has something to do with this post.

A Little Lower than Fine

The title refers to this post. Except Wednesday, the day before Peyton’s birthday, I wasn’t even fine. I was distracted, grouchy and sad. I left work early, went home and totally talked myself out of going to church that night.

In the beginning of my grief journey, I was horribly sad and didn’t want to do anything. Even so I knew this was not a good state of mind and I would fight against it. I would list my blessings, praise the Lord, serve others, etc. to conquer the feelings of despair. I knew satan had stolen my son from me, but I decided early on he would not steal another thing. He could not steal my hope, my joy, my knowing that God loved me. It sounds contradictory, but the worse I felt, the harder I fought. (Most of the time)

Wednesday was not like that. The word that comes to mind is insidious. The grief trying to lull me into thinking, “I’ll be ok, it’s just a bad day, things will be better tomorrow”. lies. lies. lies. I took a hold of myself. I’m not settling for being better tomorrow. Things don’t get better on their own. I have to change them. I don’t mean change them in my own strength, but by the Blood of the Lamb and the Word of my testimony. I have complete victory. and I will walk in it.

By the way, church was great!

I read over this post several times. I do not mean to make it sound like this has been easy. It is not easy. It is a battle, some days a constant battle. I miss Peyton all the time, even with tears. God gave me emotions and I express them, positive and negative. I am here to say, grief is not my friend and I will not cuddle up with it.