Making Room for the Future

Monday was a “snow day” for us.  We have had more snow this year than we have had in a very long time. 

I’d gotten up at 5:00 a.m. fully intending for Tom to take me to work when he went in.  The weatherman kept saying it was going to snow more and get worse, so we decided to stay home.  It did snow a lot more, but the roads weren’t that bad.  I wish I would have gone to work.  My day at home wasn’t that great.  I did bake two batches of cookies that turned out really good.  The first cookie sheet full burned on the bottom, so I adjusted my oven temperature and finished cooking the rest just fine.  When I started mixing the second batch, I knocked my mixer off the counter and broke it.  I finished the batch up with a 50 year old mixer I have sitting on my buffet for decoration.   I was thankful that it did the job.

I spent the remainder of the day cleaning closets, switching out books in two bookcases and cleaning more on Peyton’s room.   It is still hard.  I don’t like it.  I don’t want to go in there and physically face the fact that he does not need his “things” anymore.  I cry and it sucks the energy out of me.  I want to write something positive, but I am still having a pity party.  I still want him to come home.  I know he’s in Heaven, but I want Peyton here with us, making us laugh and thinking about our future.

It came to me just now that I am thinking and planning for our future.  I have been cleaning and organizing things so the “little ones” we know will have a space to have their toys and a place to play.  God is moving me forward in spite of myself.  He loves me so much.

This post has been all over the place.  I had to wait until after I wrote it to title it.  Thanks for wandering through it with me. :)

Tax Season Fun!!!!!

I work for a CPA firm.  The general feeling about accountants is that they are boring.  Well I’m hear to tell you, our firm is not.  Every year we have a theme for tax season and we have different “socials” throughout January – April 15th.  These “socials” usually include lunch and some sort of “challenge”.  This year’s theme is “Around the World in 80 days of Tax Season”.  We’ve been divided into teams and each team has their own hot air balloon.  Our team “the Jet Setters” won the balloon decorating contest.  Yea Team!!!

 

Here is a slide show of our balloons and the decorations of the “launch” of our balloons for the trip Around the World.

We have passports.  It lists all the destinations and the dates we are to “arrive” at each one. 

We’ve already reached our first destination, Rio De Janeiro.  We arrived just in time for Carnival.  We had to build our own floats for the Carnival parade.  We were given basic supplies, balloons, tissue paper and decorations from previous years socials to decorate our “float” aka office chair.  (I was too busy helping create our float to get pictures of it). Everyone participated and had a great time.  These socials are an important part of what makes our co-workers so close.  We work hard together and we have fun together.  A very special lady does the coordinating of these events.  If she’ll let me, I want to do a post about her…..we’ll see.

Our next stop……….Paris, for a Valentine celebration.  WooooHoooooo!!!

Tattoo

Peyton wanted a tattoo.  He was an avid hunter and wanted the Browning symbol on his side.  (Browning is a brand of hunting clothes, etc.)  It was fine with me as long as it wasn’t in a prominent place.  Before he turned 16 I called around to several places to see if they would do it.  I only found one place that would give a 16 yr old, with parental consent a tattoo.  I decided if they were the only ones that would do it, we didn’t want them.  Peyton was disappointed.

The day after the funeral, Tom got a tattoo.  It is the same design Peyton wanted.  I remember that day like it was yesterday.   We had three of Peyton’s best friends with us.  We went to the western store where one of them bought a new cowboy hat.  Then we met two other friends at the tattoo parlor.  Amanda was one of them.  We are all standing there watching Tom get his tattoo and her mom calls.  I hear Amanda say, “I’m at the tattoo parlor.”  I’m sure those are words her mother never expected to hear her say.  LOL

As you can see, Tom got two of them, one to represent him and the other to represent Peyton.  I used to watch the show “Miami Ink”.  People would come in and get portraits of their deceased loved ones tattooed on themselves.  I always thought that was kind of creepy……..until now.  I’m not getting one, I just don’t think that it’s weird anymore.  Funny how your opinion can change when you are in different shoes.   Here are pictures of other tattoos kids have gotten since Peyton has been gone.  I find it ironic they have all gotten old enough to get them, while Peyton is forever 16.

The first has Peyton’s initials above the bird’s wing (the other initials are her grandfather’s).  The second is a heart with his name and date of his home going.  The fact that they would permanently memorialize him on their bodies humbles me.

 

Thanks for reading :)

Clean-up and Peyton Story #5

As I said in my previous post, I spent ALL DAY Saturday cleaning up our extra bedroom.  The computer and the treadmill are in there and it had become a catch all for all kinds of stuff. 

I had been a little emotional on the days leading up to this cleaning frenzy and as I was going through things, I found several reminders of Peyton (not that I need to be reminded, he’s usually at the forefront of my mind).  I have put off cleaning this room because it meant going through a lot of papers.  I knew there would be evidence of Peyton throughout the room.  I didn’t want to face it.  I didn’t want to clean it, let alone acknowledge the feelings of loss I was experiencing…….again.

I found this drawing. 

I told the story behind it in this post.

I found his first savings account book.  This comes with a Peyton story.  He was 5 years old.  I took him to the bank to open up his account.  The “new accounts” lady was asking all the required questions, name, address, etc.  She kept directing the questions to me, but Peyton would answer them.  Finally, she turned to him and asked, “Where do you work?”  Peyton said, “Down at the creek with my dad.”  We had lived on our property for about a year and there was still a lot of land to be cleared.  Peyton spent hours down at the creek piling up brush with Tom.  In his mind and heart, he did “work” down at the creek with his dad.  Remembering this story did make me smile. 

I also cleaned some more stuff out of his room too.  I found some baseball hats and put them in the trash.  I got them out of the trash and took pictures of them.

I couldn’t stand not having them.  Our family spent so many hours at the baseball fields. 

I’m still working on rearranging some things.  I am starting to use Peyton’s closet as storage for some Christmas stuff. 

My mind is cluttered too.  I can’t put the memories in boxes or photo albums and tuck them neatly away in my brain.  His face and even his voice, pop into my thoughts constantly.  I want to enjoy the memories, but I’ve been having a hard time doing this. 

I am turning to God’s word.  It is my lifeline.  It is truth.  It is love.  I will come out on the other side victorious and I can’t wait to tell you about it when I get there.

 

Playin’ in the Snow!!!!!

We got quite a bit of snow on Friday.  Here are some pictures of what went on around here on Saturday. 

Tom is being pulled by my cousin Jason.  I’m so glad Tom missed that electric pole!!!!

The dogs thought that this was big fun.

Through the day we had 8 different teenagers over here being pulled by the four wheeler.  It was a lot of fun for them. 

I was in the house staying warm and organizing an extra bedroom and linen closet.  I was on a roll and wanted to get it finished.  I took a picture of the room “before” so I could show my accomplishment in another post.

Bibles and a Benefit

This was Peyton’s bible.

We gave it to him for Christmas; his last Christmas here on earth.  In the days following the accident, I was desperate for Peyton’s accident to be a wake-up call to people.  I wanted the kids to know they could make a difference while they were here on this earth.  The only way to make a difference is by using and knowing the Word of God.  That is the reason I wanted “History Maker” to be sung at the service.

 

This is a powerful song and I wanted them to hear it.  We had the words shown on the screen and people were asked to stand and sing along.  Not a typical thing to do in a funeral service, but why not?

We gave Peyton’s bible to his good friend, Brock.  He reads it regularly.  We were able to give the same kind of bible to all the pallbearers and a few more of Peyton’s close friends.  I loved being able to give them and see their faces when they realized what it was.

The Benefit…..and more bibles.

The rodeo organization Peyton was riding in was the YBRA.  Youth Bull Riders Association.  The winter series is held in Muskogee, Oklahoma.  They schedule these shows every two weeks.  Peyton had ridden in two of these rodeos.  I don’t remember how soon after the accident the announcer called, but he did.  They planned on making the next rodeo a benefit for our family.

The rodeo community is very close knit and takes care of each other.  We had not been involved in this sport very long, but they were ready to help.  Not only did they have the rodeo, they also held an auction.  They auctioned off some serious stuff.  I was humbled beyond imagination by the way these people treated me.  They had the poster framed and gave it to me that night.  Tom had gotten a stomach bug and was unable to attend.  Again, our friends rallied around us and drove me to the benefit.  There were over 100 people from Alma that drove the 2.5 hours to support this effort.  Kayli sung the National Anthem.  It was an extremely emotional night. 

The rodeo was on a Saturday and the following Tuesday night, the announcer and his family came to our home to give us the proceeds.  I don’t even know how far they drove to do this.  They were so nice.  We took them into Peyton’s room to look around. They didn’t have to take the time to do this, but they did and it meant a lot to us. The benefit raised enough money to pay for Peyton’s funeral and his headstone.  When we were going through this terrible time, we didn’t think about how much things cost.  We got what we wanted and knew we would pay for it somehow.  It was a tremendous blessing to have this taken care of.

Tom attended the next scheduled rodeo two weeks later.  He took 250 camouflage New Testaments to hand out to the riders as a thank you for their support.  They had a sticker in each one that said

In Memory of Peyton Jackson

Read it, Live it

After I ordered these New Testaments, a man called  and said he didn’t have enough to ship the whole 250, but he would get them to me ASAP, and asked when did I have to have them.  I explained the situation and he said he could have them there by the time I needed them.  Then he asked if he could pray for me.  I said yes and he did, right there on the phone.  God loves us so much.

I am about to be finished with filling in the time line after Peyton’s accident.  There maybe a little more, but I think it is time to start blogging about the present.  I am ready.  We keep praying at church about “turning the corner”.  I’m turning the corner concerning the grief process.  I’m sure I will still share Peyton stories and I will never hide my feelings or my struggles. 

My God is great and greatly to be praised.

 

The Weeks After

Peyton’s service was on a Thursday.  We went back to work the following Wednesday.  I didn’t think I was ready, but Tom wanted to go back to work.  I knew I wasn’t going to stay home by myself, so I went back to work too.  For a few months, I would get up and get ready for work without going into the rest of the house.  We have a master bath connected to our room, so everything I needed was right there.  I couldn’t stand it that Peyton wasn’t in his room asleep. 

When he was still here, I would call him from work everyday at 7:30 to say good morning, have a great day and love you.  Every day at 3:30 I would talk to him again and ask about his day.  For months, those two times a day were very hard.  My subconscious mind knew what time it was and that I should be talking to Peyton.  That’s just how it is.  In the beginning, certain hours bring an extra dose of sorrow.  As time goes on, it is certain days or seasons that bring the sadness closer to the surface.  I am expecting those times to subside too.  There were times that I wanted to ask other parents who had lost children about the progress they had made or what I should expect in the future.  I never did.  I didn’t want the answers.  Everyone is different and my progress is between me, my husband and my Heavenly Father.  I don’t mind sharing my feelings, as a matter of fact, it is a relief to share.  What I mean is I was not going to compare my journey to anyone else’s.

We have a chair and a half in our living room.  This was “my” chair and Tom sat in the recliner.  After Peyton was gone, I changed seats and started sitting on the couch.  You see, if I sat on the couch I could hold Tom’s hand.  I didn’t want to be any further away than that.  I’m still sitting on the couch.

I’ve written before about what great co-workers I have.  I received countless, random hugs and encouraging emails for over a year.  I have taken the day off when the anniversary has rolled around.  This year one of the bosses came to my office to let me know it was okay to take a few days off.  It means everything that they remember.  I’ve got a cheerful post about my office coming up.  We have fun at work too!

In the months following Peyton’s death, people were extremely good to us.  Friends sought us out and took us to dinner.  We have been remembered on Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and our birthdays. 

Trips to Wal-mart were agony.  So many times I would think, “Peyton likes that” and then realize it didn’t matter and then I would cry.   There were times I would go to Wal-mart and I would pray, “Lord, let me see someone in Wal-mart that loves me.”  He never failed me.  So if you talked to me in Wal-mart during that time, you were an answer to prayer.  God is good.  Now I can pray, “Lord let me see someone in here to love on.”  I hope I am paying attention.

The next installment will be about Bibles.  Curious?

Thanks for reading and all the comments.