Monday, August 31, 2009

Books to Read

Yesterday's post was somewhat self-indulgent. I was wallowing far too much. I did get myself together and I started reading a new book. It is a book about Heaven. Intra Muros, My Dream of Heaven by Rebecca Ruter Springer. "the story itself presents it as a vision, her subtitle presents it as a dream." I am only about 50 pages into it and so far it is good. It sounds accurate as far as my human mind can tell and I haven't had any checks in my spirit about anything yet. There was a part I found really cool. This woman was visiting with her parents in Heaven and her dad was called away to do his job. His job was "called usually to those who enter life with little preparation - what we on earth would call a death-bed repentance." I thought that was so cool, the phrase "enter life". She was talking about entering Heaven!!! The people who got saved just as their earthly life was ending, they had no knowledge of spiritual things and this man was one of the ones who instructs them after they get to Heaven. How awesome is that!!!

This is another book I have read. 90 Minutes in Heaven. It is good too. It tells about a man who was in a car accident and pronounced dead at the scene. A minister stopped at the accident and prayed for him. He survived, but was in Heaven for 90 minutes. Again, it sounds accurate as far as my human mind can tell.

When I started reading the book last night, I wondered if I was becoming obsessed with Heaven. Then I figured if Peyton was in China, I would want to read everything that I could about China. Especially since I too, will be living in Heaven someday. So for now, I've decided I am normal. (laughing and typing)
If we all thought more about what it is like in Heaven, we wouldn't get so wrapped up in the small annoying things that go on in this temporary earthly life. We would have more of a "don't sweat the small stuff" attitude. We could save our focus and energy for more significant things, eternal things.
I am learning so much on this journey, eternal stuff. From the minute Peyton was gone, I had a supernatural revelation of God's love for me, it saturated me. All these years I thought I knew, but now it is different. He loves me so much even on the days I lose my focus and wallow in the grief. He never gives up on me. I am a work in progress.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

I've never started a post without having at least an idea about what I am going to say, but here I am. These last few days have not been great. My focus is not where I think it should be. I've even had trouble sleeping and I don't usually have any trouble in that dept.
Last night I dreamed I was talking to my best friend and I was telling her how much I missed Peyton. I started crying and I woke myself up crying. Thought about getting up and blogging, but I didn't know if that would make it harder to go back to sleep. Now that I think about it, I should have prayed. Guess I missed it. A few nights ago, I dreamed about Peyton too. He was young and I was helping him get ready to take a bath. As I was running the water, I was thinking how much I wanted to be with him. I had an ache inside me; I missed him so much. I decided in the dream, I was going to take the next day off work and spend it with him. Then I woke up.
I have so many wonderful things in my life, Godly husband, loving church family, friends, good job, everything a person could want. It is hard to strike a balance between remembering Peyton and dwelling on what I do not have. I want to think about him and all the good times. I have to be able to do this and keep on living in the present and looking forward to the future.
My best friend, the one in my dream last night, her daughter and Peyton were born 3 days apart. She shot lots of video of them when they were together. This is a short clip of him riding her daughter's spring horse singing an appropriate song. I couldn't have done what it says, but sometimes I wished I would have. He was so stinkin' smart. He was only 2 yrs old in this video.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

No Question

Focus. Focus. Focus. What am I going to focus on today? My loss? How much I miss Peyton? OR God's Grace. God's Mercy. God's Love.

I just noticed I didn't put a question mark after those last three things. I guess there is no question or doubt about His grace, mercy and love for me. I post to record the battle. This battle was short. I'm thinking this is going to be a trend. When the devil comes in with negative thoughts, the recovery is going to come quicker.

This one is easy to title now.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Pickle Aisle

The other day I was at Wal-Mart and ran into a woman I know. I have known her for 30 years. She works at a place we go to regularly so she has met Peyton and has known him pretty much his whole life. She had expressed her condolences when Peyton went to Heaven. I greeted her and she asked how we were doing. I said "good". Then she asked how the "kiddo" was doing. I acted like I didn't hear her and said again that we were doing good. She then was asking what grade he was in. I looked at her and said, "________, he is in heaven." Of course she was mortified and apologized. She knew what had happened to Peyton, it just wasn't at the forefront of her mind anymore. Do you know what this did to me............right there in the pickle aisle at Wal-Mart??????
It STRENGTHENED me. To look her in the face.......without a catch in my voice..........and be able to say.........He is in Heaven, made me feel strong. I know where my son is and I can make it come out of my mouth.
I know this woman had a hard time with herself when she left Wal-Mart and I felt bad for her. I told her it was okay and I knew that she knew about Peyton. Nothing I could say to her would make her feel better, but I left Wal-Mart feeling good.
My God is awesome and He loves us so much.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Car Conversation

This morning on the way to church, my husband and I had this conversation.

Me: I really like that shirt.

Tom: Thanks, it makes me think of Charlie Brown.

Me: Charlie Brown's shirt is yellow and black.

Tom: Yeah but it has stripes.

Me: His shirt has one black zig zag stripe in the middle, yours has small white stripes.

Tom: Well, it's brown.

Me: I guess, that is his last name.

I am laughing about this all over again. Tom cracks me up. After this exchange of words, I told him I was definitely going to put it on the blog. I hope it made you smile.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Fred would be Proud?

Went bowling Friday night with a great group of people from church. I am immeasurably appreciative that there was no video of this event. I STINK AT BOWLING. I had a couple of people trying to coach me, but to no avail. My first game was 55, my second.......37. It was comical to say the least. My husband, who had never bowled before scored an 85 and then somewhere in the 90s on the second game.

I am extremely proud that I figured out how to put a You Tube video on this post. There was a reference to Fred Flinstone regarding someone's approach to the lane. (No need to mention names, you know who you are.)

A fun time was add by all. I'm not sure if I'll do that again. I can't wait for the comments on this post, thanks in advance for the sarcasm PK.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

No Matter the Day

Today is a good day for a list; things I am thankful for. I'm having a positive, victorious day, but there is something on the fringes of my mind that is trying to influence how I live my day today. It is the first day of school. It would have been Peyton's Sr. year. I know he is living it up in Heaven and I am jealous. I would love to be with him, but I have God given assignments to finish here on earth.

Father God, bring to my mind new things to be thankful for, things I haven't thought of before.

I am thankful for:

getting to know a friend from Michigan, as she prepares to move to this area.
a blessed day for all the students going back to school
your Word touching my life in new and exciting ways.
a closeness to you unlike anything I've experienced before.
the journey
the destination
more of You and less of me.

Lord, I thank You for Your love. I thank you for the precious blood of Jesus. In You I have complete victory.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

The Ugliness of Grief

Today was ugly. I lashed out and had harsh words for my husband. We couldn't decide what to do for lunch after church. We ended up at the local Mexican restaurant and some people we know offered to share their table. Tom got a phone call and said something I didn't agree with. I told the people we were sitting with, we had to go. On the way home, I thought Tom was driving too fast, he didn't. We got home, Tom slammed the back door as he went outside to walk around the yard. I sat and cried.
It was several minutes before Tom came back in the house. He apologized, I apologized. I told him it wasn't him at all, he did nothing wrong. Today, I was tired of tagging along with other peoples' families. I wanted my own. I don't know where the feeling of resentment came from, it showed up very unexpectedly. I was perfectly happy when we left church and then there it was and I let it out all over my husband.
I have cried harder and deeper today than I have in months. My eyes are swollen and I keep taking those breaths you take after you've been crying alot. I have spent most of the day trying to figure out what caused this meltdown. School is starting Wednesday, is that the cause? Several other ideas have come to mind, but I still don't know. I finally realized, after wasting pretty much a whole Sunday, it doesn't matter was causes the grief to rise to the surface. It only matters what I do with it when it arrives.
I love and respect my husband more than I can say. He feels the same about me and lets me know all the time. I am blessed to have him. He hurts just as I do and with God's love and mercy working in our lives, today will not be repeated.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

AFV - Peyton Story #4

WARNING: If you are grossed out by talk of sinus cavities, noses and mouths........READ NO FURTHER.
America's Funnies Videos was on last night, evidently a marathon. We had company (the Peanuts). The TV was on AFV as we were visiting. We laughed alot. The $100,000 winner was a baby with a spaghetti noodle in his nose. It kept sliding in and out as he breathed and his parents were laughing so hard they couldn't catch it. Sounds gross, but it was funny. This morning I was thinking about last night's AFV and remembered Peyton had done that too.
Only his was on purpose and he was about 14 years old. He stuck a long dandelion stem up his nose and let it come out his mouth. I believe his audience was his cousins. He had to tell me about it and then he had to show me.................. with dental floss. Dental floss is not as rigid as a dandelion stem, so there was involved trying to get that floss up his nose and .............well you know.
Why did he do this? He was Peyton, a boy who loved fun, making people laugh and shocking them. Unfortunately I do not have this on tape . Who knows, maybe a 14 yr old boy with dental floss hanging from his nose and mouth would have been worth $100,000? I miss him.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Sing, Sing a Song

When you're talking to someone, does a word ever jump out at you and you immediately connect it to a song lyric and then you have to sing that lyric? I have done that most of my life. It drove Peyton crazy when I would do that. I thought it was funny. What was even funnier? WHEN HE STARTED DOING IT. The first time he did, he looked at me in shock. I love the influence we can have on our kids.

I blogged about this tonight because I did it when Tom and I went to Wal-Mart. I realized it was the first time in 19 months. I am More than a Conqueror. God is so good. My JOY is showing!!!! Joy is a fruit of the Spirit, so I know it never left me. There was just some stuff covering it up. I choose to walk in JOY!

Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Do any of y'all do this (the singing thing), or is it just me? I really want to know. (I put that "y'all" in for you Jake)

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

My Office

I work for the best company. The people are great and we have the best technology. We are cutting edge and I love it. So I thought I would share pics of where I spend 40 hrs a week (sometimes 60 hrs during tax season)

I have TWO monitors on my desk. I've had two for about 2 years. I really don't know how I worked with just one.

My mouse pad with Peyton's picture. Love it.

This is not very cutting edge, but it did revolutionize my work........a Dymo label maker!!!

When I look to my left I see this, my bulletin board.

This is above my door.

Scripture I have taped to the wall next to my bulletin board.

On the wall behind me I have this dinosaur shelving. It's old but I like it because I can shut it and hide lots of office supplies. It makes it look neater. I like neat. And I can put pictures on it and they are out of the way too.

This is a poem a co-workers wife printed and framed for me.

Another bulletin board and where I hang my purse.

Fabric covered boxes, decorative AND functional.

This is really the reason I did this post. I wanted to show off what my husband did for me. Ta Da!!!

Before Tom got his hands on it, this was a big wooden box with shelves and two drawers. It was yellow. He came to my office and painted it black, went home and made the doors and put the fabric (I love me some toile) in the panels. He is awesome, amazing and he loves me. He's pretty handy too. This cabinet makes my office feel like an office and not a supply closet. I use lots of pre-printed envelopes and such. Now I am able to hide them.
Hope you liked the tour!

Monday, August 3, 2009

Fine is a Slippery Slope

I have some really, really, good days. Some days, I find myself struggling to keep it together. A struggle is a fight. The Word of God will rise up in me and I will overcome. I may have to overcome several times, but I do it. I am More Than a Conqueror.

Other times, I am fine. I am beginning to see that "fine" is not a good thing. "Fine" allows me to function with a smile on my face, hiding how I am feeling. This is not good enough. I don't fight on the "fine" days. I think I am ok and the bad feelings will pass. I am somewhat comfortable with fine. Have you heard the story of the frog in the pot? If you put a frog in a pot of water and slowly turn up the heat, it will stay in the water until it is boiled to death. That frog feels "fine". "Fine" is defeat and I will not have it.

Nehemiah said, "Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. Psalm 28:7

I'm taking it up a notch or two with my God. He never leaves me and He wants me better than fine.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Ear Lobes

There are times when I am thinking about a post for this blog I wonder and I worry if it is too much. That you will think I am playing up your sympathy. Like this post. It is not my intention. There are times I am compelled to write certain things. Today, I am writing about being at the hospital with Peyton, actually with Peyton's earthly house, because "Peyton" was not there. Here goes.
Last night I was with a friend and we were talking about some of Peyton's things. His chaps had some blood on them. She turned to me and asked, "was he bad?" I knew what she meant, "did he look bad, were his injuries visible?" I said no, there was a tube in him and it dripped some blood, but to look at him you would think there was nothing wrong.
Tom & I walked into the room where he was. We stood over him and it was so obvious that Peyton was not there. That is a good thing. We stayed for a few minutes. I touched his hands. I love Peyton's hands. They showed how much he was living. I kissed his forehead and then I rubbed his earlobe between my thumb and index finger. The earlobe thing is something I did to both Peyton & Tom. I still do it to Tom. He's going to love that I am telling that. I don't remember when I started doing it, but as Peyton grew up, that became the only soft part on him. You know boys are rough and tumble with callouses and scars everywhere. Maybe his earlobe reminded me of his baby days, when he was soft and cuddley. Usually he would let me, sometimes he would give me the "oh mom!" I miss it.