I am suprised how hard these last few days have been. (I don't know why I'm suprised!! maybe that's part of my problem) Tom & I are on vacation. I think this is the first vacation since Peyton has been in Heaven that we haven't gone somewhere. The hours at home with nowhere in particular to be gives me time to think. I'm usually okay with thinking, but not this week. The 4th didn't happen the way I wanted. We had a good time and love the people who came to the house but the people we usually spend it with were not able to make it. These friends remember and miss Peyton the way we do. I don't want to get used to not talking about Peyton, but this is the way things are headed. It is natural and normal but I am fighting against it. I know I will always talk about him, but in the natural course of my life, I will meet more and more people who do not know him (maybe this is all the more reason to keep talking about him)
There seems to be a "settling in" to this chapter of our lives. The high school activities are over. "Our" kids are growing up and moving forward. We want them to press on to their futures and live their lives. Even though this is what we want, it is hard because Peyton is not here doing the same. It is very hard not to think about what we are missing out on. I get tired of sharing other people's children, but am grateful to have them.
Peyton has been in Heaven for 2 1/2 years. It seems like forever. I am having trouble finding purpose in my life right now, but I am not alone. God is always with me and He never gives up on me. I know He has great and wonderful assignments and adventures for Tom & I to fulfill. He is a great God and He loves us so much.
The words didn't flow out as easily tonight as they usually do. I didn't want to post at all, but felt like I needed to start typing and see what happened. I don't think it was much, but I appreciate you reading. I've read over this post several times and I realized I have made statements then used the word "but" NINE TIMES. This has to be some kind of record and I'm sure it's not a good record.
5 comments:
When I first saw the title of your blog I thought you'd talk about how the 4th would look from Heaven - how silly my human mind can be! How long Peyton has been in Heaven made me think of how long my son and mom and husband have been there. And how time will not confine or define us after our 'vapor' is complete. You have such interesting and thought provoking things for me - thanks for sharing yourself with the rest of us. It serves to remind me that we are all really and mostly here for everyone else!
Blake will be in Heaven two years on July 28th. My brother Jim, and Blake shared a birthday (they were 9 years apart) on July 21st. I can't even imagine how he feels when this date rolls around each year. I have thought about Blake a lot with the birth of Mady and the fact that he didn't get to meet her here. I know that sounds silly. Just know I am thinking of you.
I love the point Dar makes about time not confining nor defining us after our vapor is up. That's an awesome thought.
Hey, let me tell you about my two little boys and possibly more kid(s) to come. They love you and Tom more than you realize. Sheena and I love that we have you and Tom in our and their lives. It is something only God could have orchestrated and we love seeing you guys love on our kiddos. Please don't ever hold back on reaching out to them as your own. In reality, we are all one big family and Sheena and I often talk about the significance of our friendship, AND the relationship you have with them. I spotted Isaiah giving you major smiles tonight. You two looked very happy, while Tom was allowing JJ to put his "piggies" in his face. What a guy. :-)
Kelley - I have been thinking of you guys alot and you know Honey has a special place in my heart. I will be praying for all of you.
Dar - everytime someone refers to this earthly life as a vapor, I smile.
Jake - Tom & I love your boys and you & Sheena too. We need to spend more time together!! and yes, I will let you test my recipes :)
I know I will always talk about him, but in the natural course of my life, I will meet more and more people who do not know him (maybe this is all the more reason to keep talking about him)
I feel the same way. It hurts. It saddens me. And it scares me. I guess I have this irrational fear that *I* will forget Christian too! Silly, I know. But at the same time I have to ask myself, "What if I do?"
Ouch. In the big picture (the one that God sees), my thoughts or lack of thoughts about Christian have no bearing on WHO Christian is. Just because more and more people do not know him does not make him any less of a son to me and it does not make him any less REAL.
Oh Becky, I have no idea where I'm going with this comment. I just know that these days are hard. But there is a day coming when the struggles will all be over! When we can talk not only talk about Christian and Peyton, but talk TO them!!! And Lord willing, be able to introduce them in person to many new friends that have come to know Christ through our testimony. Through our suffering. Through the grace of God and His turning what might be thought as evil into GOOD.
What a day that will be, my friend!
Love you,
Marsha
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