The 3rd 4th without Peyton

I am suprised how hard these last few days have been.  (I don't know why I'm suprised!! maybe that's part of my problem)  Tom & I are on vacation.  I think this is the first vacation since Peyton has been in Heaven that we haven't gone somewhere.  The hours at home with nowhere in particular to be gives me time to think.  I'm usually okay with thinking, but not this week.  The 4th didn't happen the way I wanted.  We had a good time and love the people who came to the house but the people we usually spend it with were not able to make it.  These friends remember and miss Peyton the way we do.  I don't want to get used to not talking about Peyton, but this is the way things are headed.  It is natural and normal but I am fighting against it.  I know I will always talk about him, but in the natural course of my life, I will meet more and more people who do not know him (maybe this is all the more reason to keep talking about him)

There seems to be a "settling in" to this chapter of our lives.  The high school activities are over. "Our" kids are growing up and moving forward.  We want them to press on to their futures and live their lives.  Even though this is what we want, it is hard because Peyton is not here doing the same.  It is very hard not to think about what we are missing out on.  I get tired of sharing other people's children, but am grateful to have them.

Peyton has been in Heaven for 2 1/2 years. It seems like forever.  I am having trouble finding purpose in my life right now, but I am not alone.  God is always with me and He never gives up on me.  I know He has great and wonderful assignments and adventures for Tom & I to fulfill.  He is a great God and He loves us so much. 

The words didn't flow out as easily tonight as they usually do.  I didn't want to post at all, but felt like I needed to start typing and see what happened.  I don't think it was much, but I appreciate you reading.  I've read over this post several times and I realized I have made statements then used the word "but" NINE TIMES.  This has to be some kind of record and I'm sure it's not a good record. 

Homework Poem

The following is a poem a couple of Peyton's friends wrote as a homework assignment. I don't know if they realize how much it means to us that Peyton is still a part of their lives. We love these kids. When I asked permission if I could put this on my blog, she said, "Yes, we did it to celebrate Peyton." So here it is. It made me cry, but it also makes me feel good.

Hair red as fire
Smile bright as the sun
A natural born cowboy
His spirit, a rebellious one
Always the class clown
Making everyone laugh
Although always picking fun
The best friend you could have

So incredibly clever and athletic
School and sports a breeze
He would have gone so far
With the slightest of ease
Then tragedy struck
Ending it all

Fearless was his only flaw
"Spur Some Fur" changed us all
Bulls were his passion
His dreams set so high
But it all changed so quickly
No time for goodbyes

Two years have flown by
Yet it feels like only yesterday
We still miss his laughter
And that big grin on his face
The memories he left
Will be forever etched on our hearts
The impact he made
Will never depart

Never will we forget him
And how he made us all laugh
Up in Heaven now
The best angel they could have

By Casey Jo & Sarah

Went to the flower shop today to order an arrangement for Peyton's gravesite. Next Thursday is his birthday. I want it to look nice. I was doing well until I got into the florists. I've known the woman who owns the shop forever. Her son went to Heaven before her too. She was on the phone when I arrived so I had to wait a few minutes. Teared up some, but made it through just fine.

Football tonight. I have some posts inside me that are wanting out. I'm thinking it will be soon.

Have a blessed weekend!

Me Shopping?

Last night I went shopping with a friend. She is a friend of Peyton’s and now she is a friend of mine. She is in the Miss Alma High School pageant next weekend.

For the record, I am not a shopper. We were looking for casual/sportswear for the pageant. She tried on a lot of stuff. We even asked for help from the salesclerk, something I never do. She was VERY helpful and was quite an accessorizer. (my spell check is telling me that is not a word, but I’m using it) The MALL WAS CLOSING WHEN WE LEFT. I have never closed the mall and don’t plan on doing it again. It was fun and tiring, but we got the job done. She is going to look very casual/sporty next weekend when she walks across the stage.

Peyton & I didn’t shop much, but I enjoyed buying him stuff. Smell is a powerful memory trigger and the mall is full of them. The colognes that waft out of some of the stores are very recognizable and took me back to easier times shopping with my boy.

Staying in the moment is key. Focusing on the present, finding things to look forward to (like a pageant) are what keep me from looking back thinking about what I do not have. I had a couple of hard moments, but not a tear was shed.

Thank you Lord for the blessings in the present and in my future. Thank you Lord that I can see the blessings You surround me with everyday.

I’m sure there are no malls in Heaven.

Perspective

The first home football game of the season was last night. I saw the football program for the first time. Our page turned out great. A few other people included Peyton on their pages too. They have no idea what that means to us. They dug through their pictures and found some of Peyton and their kids from when they were younger. There were a few in their teenage years too. The football program reminded me again that this is their Senior year. We are all living our lives without him.

The wanting is overwhelming.

I want Peyton to be here. Sometimes after school events, I wonder if I live in denial. When we are with the other kids, it seems he is there too. Other times the hole is very obvious to me.

I look at pictures with a new perspective. Pictures of Peyton when he is younger do not bring me sadness. That little boy has been gone a long time. They used to make me a sad, thinking about the little boy who was now all grown up. It is the teenage pictures that tear at my heart, the recent ones that hint at the man he was becoming. I know this is a very sentimental time for the parents of Peyton’s friends. It is still difficult to read on Facebook their thoughts of sadness for their children’s past. I want to comment, “Thank God they are still here. Look forward to their futures!” I don’t of course. I said it was hard for me, I don’t mean it is wrong for them to feel this way. Like I said, I have a different perspective. I wish I didn’t.

No Tricks, Just Straight Blogging

Tom & I are still moving through the process of grieving. I think that is key, we are moving. We have not gotten stuck in despair. We are doing well. I sometimes hesitate to talk about where we are as far as our day to day living. I don’t want other grieving parents to compare themselves to us. Everyone is different. The majority of our first year was shock and dreading getting through the “firsts”. The second year (we are almost at 20 months) we have had more opportunities to realize what has been taken from us, the future we will not experience. This also means more opportunities to consciously turn our thoughts to the positive. We have asked ourselves, “How did we make it through any of this?” Our Daddy is BIG and He loves us. He never left us and we never left Him.

⁸ The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deut 31:8

I remember early on in this journey I wanted to feel better, but I didn’t want to think of moving on without Peyton. I knew we would. I’ve seen other people do it. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. I don’t really comprehend it now. I look at his pictures sometimes and the fact that he is gone takes my breath away.

I have had days when I wanted to move out of our house and start over, a clean slate without daily reminders. We aren’t going to move, we like it here and it wouldn’t make it any easier.

We are still giving Peyton’s things away. Tom makes knives and he had made Peyton one that he carried when he hunted. We gave that to a good friend of Peyton’s on Sunday. They were touched and we were glad. It is good to give his things away to people that love him. It is almost selfish on our part. We hope that these things bring up conversations about Peyton through the years.

I am on the verge of boxing up the rest of his things and re-decorating his room (I didn’t even like typing those words). I want to make a memory quilt out of some of his clothes. I want to incorporate some of his Wranglers in it, maybe just the pockets, I’m not sure. A friend of Peyton’s wears the same jeans and his were getting too small. We traded. He now has Peyton’s and we will have his to use for the quilt. I like this.

His closet still smells like him.

We’re Invited

As I have mentioned, I have been having some difficult times. I miss Peyton so much. I know Tom & I are so much better than we were last year at this time. Looking through pictures for the football program started me thinking. This year is not going to be easy. The Senior year is full of sentimental stuff. I know Peyton is not missing out on anything, but we are. There is not going to be a Senior year to share with him. He does have lots of friends that will be sharing with us and I thank God for them.

We were asked today if we would help with Project Graduation. This is an event that makes sure the graduates are celebrating their graduation in a safe manner, no drinking etc. Parents raise money all year for the event and we are ready to help. There will be some tears during the planning and preparation, but we will be better off helping rather than standing on the sidelines.

Speaking of sidelines, a few weeks ago Tom was asked by the football coach to come along on the Senior float trip. Tom called Coach last night and accepted the invite. They will be floating down some water in Oklahoma; I'm not sure of the name of it. I think he is excited.

These last few days, satan wanted me to think people were forgetting Peyton. I told myself over and over this was not true, but sometimes it overwhelmed me. I thank God we are included in these activities. We are so blessed to live where we live, in a caring community surrounded by people who love us and love our son.

Football Program

Every year the school publishes a football program. In it are pictures of the football teams, cheerleaders, band etc. Parents and businesses buy 1/4, 1/2 or full page ads and advertise their businesses or put pictures of their kids in it. I had planned on waiting until Peyton's Senior yr before I bought an ad. We bought a full page last year. If you click on it, you can see it better.

A friend of Peyton's put it together for me. I have been looking through pictures tonight trying to come up with what I want to do this year. I want it to be about Peyton's friends. They are all graduating this year. I have been having an emotional time here lately. Today marks 18 months since Peyton moved to Heaven. That, coupled with looking through pictures for the program was a hard combination. I have cried a lot tonight. I miss him and I want Peyton here. I don't feel like talking myself out of it.

I have been so spoiled in my life, blessing after blessing. I appreciated every one of them. I have never wanted something as bad as wanting to see Peyton and not gotten it.

I am going to bed now. I will get up tomorrow; face the grief down and put satan under my feet.

As Scarlett O'Hara says, "After all, tomorrow is another day."

okay, that's funny.

Life Goes On

Peyton has been in Heaven almost 18 months, aka 1 1/2 yrs. The time is stretching out, no longer measured in mere months, but years. It is hard to believe it has been this long, but then again it isn't hard to believe at all. Peyton's friends have all had at least one birthday since he's been gone. Some of them have had two. I miss him so much.

In the beginning there were times I felt like I was going to shatter into a million pieces. I don't know what I thought was going to cause the breaking apart, I just knew it could happen at any moment and the pieces would be swept up and I would be finished. It never happened. I have cried in many public places, church, Wal-Mart, Chik-fil-a, the mall, the auto shop, work, friends homes, school, etc., but I left each one of those places in one piece.

Do you have any children?
I have avoided that question.
I have answered that question with tears in my eyes.
I have answered that question with a smile on my face.

The answer is, "Yes I have a son, he lives in Heaven". That is the Truth and I cannot worry about people's reaction to the answer. The first time I was able to give that answer, the lady then told me she also had a child in Heaven. I have seen this person off and on for about 4 years and I never knew. Now I do. Right after Peyton's accident, a man Tom works with told him he had lost his son too. It had been about 15 years ago. Tom has worked with this person for almost that whole time. Tom never knew. This man never speaks about his son. He had tears in his eyes and agony in his heart when he told Tom of his loss saying, "But he was my son". How he can keep that hurt locked inside, I do not understand.

Father God, use me. I thank you Lord that what satan has meant for evil, You can turn for good.

Life is going on without him; I am going on without him. I don't like it, but I have no choice. I have lots of "normal" days. I don't even like that word anymore, "normal". What is normal? Everything is relative.

People are not as cautious when they are around us. That is good. In the beginning we were shown so much love, compassion and tenderness. We needed it to help us start healing. Now we are 18 month old survivors. We can walk on our own but we still love our friends company and fellowship. We are safe with them and can talk about Peyton if we need to or just remember something funny he said or did. Thank you.

Some of our friends just received their first grandchild. I am happy for them and I am jealous. Grief wants me to focus on what I do not have. God wants me to focus on Him and on what He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all I can even think or imagine. I choose to do things God's way.

I am amazed at the healing that has taken place in my heart. The ordinariness (is this a word?) of most of my days shocks me. I still miss Peyton; I still cry because I miss Peyton. In spite of this, I am a productive person. I am expecting extraordinary things from God. His plans for me are big!

The Country Way

As the anniversary gets closer, the memories flood my mind. Yesterday Tom & I were driving down the road and met a truck. Tom gives the wave and the other driver returns it. Peyton loved that. He waved at every vehicle he met, whether he was driving or not. He would get so frustrated when people didn't acknowledge the wave. He might even call them a Yankee (sorry MN people).

Peyton enjoyed his roots and the country way. I know he planned on living in the country, living out the lyrics to some of his favorite country songs. You know, the ones that talk about American pride, rodeo, lovin' your wife and kids, workin' hard, goin' to church and appreciating God's country. He loved the good ole boy mentality and he loved his friends and family.

It says in the Bible that Jesus has prepared a place for us, a mansion. I picture Peyton's mansion as a big log cabin filled with all the things he loves, just like Mr. Byerly's. Mr. Byerly built every bit of his log home in Tahlequah with is own hands. Cut down every tree, peeled every log, sanded every board, it is an amazing place. Mr. Byerly went to Heaven in July of 2007 and I know he was there when Peyton arrived, ready to show him around and introduce him to his son. Mr. Byerly's son went to Heaven a long time ago and now they are reunited too. This feeling of loss isn't forever it just seems that way right now.

I miss you Peyton Douglas Jackson.

Today is o.k.

Today is starting out good. I will look for the good in life today. I miss Peyton constantly; this is part of my life. God loves me.

There are struggles

I have been reading over my past blogs. I really needed the encouragement today. Grief is a spirit and it will come over you with no warning. I have been crying off and on all morning. God did not give me a spirit of fear, but of Power, Love and a Sound Mind. I will NOT let grief consume me today. I will rejoice in the Lord and remember Peyton with joy. That is another confession I make, that I will remember Peyton with joy. It will happen, it is happening, thank You Lord! The one thing I knew without a doubt after Peyton's accident, Satan stole my son from me, but he would not destroy Tom and I. We are victorious overcomers looking forward to the day we see our Lord and see our son again.