Saturday, October 2, 2010

Tipping the Balance…….in my favor.

During the last (almost 3) years, I have discovered that my hard times dealing with missing Peyton come in cycles.  I can feel myself getting stronger and then it gets really hard for awhile.  Satan really pours it on as I am gaining ground.  It is a battle.  It is a battle I am winning.  I am stronger and happier now than I have been in a very long time. 

Tom and I were talking last night and I told him, “I feel good enough to stay this way until we get to Heaven”.  I was saying that I have enough good days and happy moments that I could stay at this level of “grief recovery” and be fine with it.  I think of Peyton constantly and have a balance of smiles and tears.  I smile enough that I don’t feel utter devastation; I cry enough that I don’t feel I am forgetting. 

I know this level is not where God intends me to stop.  He doesn’t want me to be satisfied.  He doesn’t want me to be “fine”.  He created me to be more than a conqueror. 

A couple of boys guys came over with a deer one of them harvested yesterday and stayed for quite awhile to visit.  My friend was also here and she asked me if I was ok.  I said, “We are living the life we were intended to have, but Peyton is supposed to be here.”  No matter how full our life becomes it will never swallow up the hole we have because Peyton is not here.  Knowing that gives me confidence to get better.  Knowing that I will never forget him and how much we love him, strengthens me so I can let go of the grief. 

I have avoided blogging because I didn’t want to NOT write about grief or missing Peyton.  I have other things to say, but didn’t want to let go of my favorite topic, so I wrote nothing.  I don’t know what I will be writing about in the future.  I do have a few more Peyton stories that I will sprinkle in now and then.  I hope you’ll keep reading and commenting.


Anonymous said...

I lost my little girl 7 and half years ago on April 15, 2003 and still today I think of her everyday. Eventually the tears don't come as often but I promise you will never forget. I am thankful to know that Jesus has my little girl in his arms and he has Peyton in his arms and one day we get to spend eternity with them with no more tears. I am thankful that I you are my friend and your strength is an inspiration to everyone you meet. Keep the Faith and Fight the Good Fight because although the devil attacks us, in the end Our Savior wins! Keep writing I gain inspiration and strength from your blog. You are truly a remarkable person. I praise God for people like you.

Robert J

MarshaMarshaMarsha said...

I smile enough that I don’t feel utter devastation; I cry enough that I don’t feel I am forgetting.

I hear you, friend. I am glad that God has so much more (and better) in store than anything we could possibly dream. Not just in Heaven, but in this life... He is faithful to fill our hearts faster than what is coming out through the big hole that our boys took with them. And God will fill us to overflowing.

Mona said...

Another great blog, Becky. I love reading your blogs. I agree with Robert. Your life is a reflection of the hope and strength that comes from God's amazing grace!

Blessings and God's wholeness and Peace to you both!

Jennifer said...

Your posts are always such an encouragment to me - I am glad when you decide to share. I think it would be great to post about Peyton every day!!:) God is really giving you victory. Of course, Satan would be thrilled if you were content with the status quo. Oh, but I know God has so much more for all of us than "good enough"! Its simply one day at a time and one victory at a time.

You are a blessing to me!! and to my grieving mama's heart.

Empty Nest Full Life said...

It is obvious that God is at work. Keep at it with HIM! Looking forward to all that you have to share with us. Jackie