Sunday, December 26, 2010

What’s it Like, 3 Christmas's Without Peyton?

I was asked a week or so ago how I was doing, dealing with the holidays.  I said, I was doing really well.  She then said, “I suppose there are triggers that blindside you?” 

Not really.  I have my moments when the wanting is so great I can’t stand it.  I have times I want to throw something, hit something, and kick my feet because I want so much for things to be different.  I want my boy here with me; but these emotions don’t come as a surprise.  I’ve experienced them all before, sometimes like a tidal wave.  I still stand because God is holding me up.  Friends’ prayers have wrapped me in a blanket of strength.

I don’t know how I live with Peyton being gone, except for God’s grace.  I am discovering more and more about the grace of God.  It’s always there.  It never fails me.  I only have to recognize it and use it.  Lean on it. 

“His grace is sufficient” – I know this is in the bible, but I used to think it cliche’.  I thought it was an excuse for being weak.  It is truth.  It is life.  It is how I’ve survived these past (almost 3) years.

How does a person tap into God’s grace?  Speak it.  Tell God you can’t do it.  Ask Him for help.  Be grateful, not for the hurtful thing, be grateful He’s there to bring you through.  It’s so basic, so simple.  Why do we make it hard? 

I didn’t answer the question posed in the title of this post.  What’s it like……….it’s not nearly as much fun as it would have been if Peyton were here.  Tom & I try to play “what would he be doing now”, but it doesn’t really work.  There are too many variables.  So as we come upon the third anniversary, be praying for us.  Pray that we see all the good things surrounding us and we lean on and glorify God with our words and actions.

Thanks for reading (and praying) :)

4 comments:

Amber said...

Love ya Beckster!!!

Kelley said...

You are such a blessing! I was just telling your cousin Melanie that the other day.

Kay said...

Grace really is a mystery that can better be experienced than explained. So glad you're seeing God's grace in the season. Hugs, my friend! : )

Jennifer said...

PROMISING to pray...and pray more. I hope that God continues to give grace and comforts your heart in very tangible ways and in those deep personal ways that only He and you can understand. And that you will continue to share..and blog...as you do because it is such a blessing. I am always blessed when I come "for a visit":) I find it much more difficult to share my heart but it really is a gift that you have.

Praying for all that God has in store for you in the new year! We are blessed beyond measure. Hugs, friend. Jennifer