Friday, February 10, 2012

Laid Bare……….again.

I have revealed things  about myself on this blog that I never thought I would.  I’ve written about some very low times.  Each time I’ve written them, I thought I didn’t have any more secrets.  God has brought something else to my remembrance. I have to believe this is written in God’s perfect timing and someone reading needs to know about my thoughts during a very painful time.

Peyton had been in Heaven only a short time.  Tom and I had gone to bed and I was crying.  I was crying very deep and hard.  Through my sobs, I told Tom, “I can’t cry hard enough.  I can’t cry hard enough to rid myself of this terrible sadness.” 

Days later, maybe even weeks later, this thought came to my mind.  I’ll never forget where I was when it came.  Tom & I were pulling into the garage.  I thought, “if I could scrape my arm against the bricks of the house, I think that would release some of this anguish I am feeling.”  I couldn’t believe my own mind.  I knew this was totally unreasonable, but it didn’t shock me. 

I let that thought saturate my brain; then I knew. 

This is what someone who cuts themselves or uses some other type of self mutilation feels like.  These are the thoughts and feelings they have.  Their pain is so great, so unmanageable, so hopeless they don’t know what else to do.  Then they follow through with the thought.  I’m sure the physical pain must give some type of relief from their mental pain and torment or they wouldn’t continue to do it. 

I did not follow through with the thought so I don’t know for sure about that last statement, but it makes sense to me.  I can only imagine that the temporary relief they feel makes them want to do it again to escape. It isn’t a solution.  The pressure may ease, but it’s only temporary.

My relief came from my Heavenly Father.  He is real and He loves me so much.  He loves you too, no matter what you have done or have thought about doing.  If you are in the kind of pain I’ve talked about, please ask God to help you.  He will.   My email address is on my profile if you need it.

Thanks for reading.

ps I got out of bed to write this post.  I knew I wasn’t going to sleep until I did.  Now I am hesitant to click “publish”  I must have done it anyway or you wouldn’t be reading this now.  Thank you Lord; You lead me to do Your will.


Kelley said...

That must have been a hard thing to post. But you are keeping it real. This will help so many people. I have known children to do this, but I never understood why until you explained it as an adult. Thanks so much for sharing on this.

MarshaMarshaMarsha said...

I have a friend who did just that after her son died... kept cutting herself, would get drunk and then would call me bc she didn't want to live any longer. It is so hard when you consistently share the truth of God's Word with someone and they continue to reject it and go their own destructive ways. I never really understood cutting before but your description... WOW... I totally get that! Thanks for enlightening me, my friend. When we follow through with the prompting of the Holy Spirit, our actions are never in vain.

Jake said...

I love this post.