Sunday, March 11, 2012

Living Life

Life is strolling along, weddings, babies being born and people buying their first homes.  Our friends’ children and Peyton’s friends are at the ages when many of life’s milestones are taking place.  Tom and I are happy for all of them and glad to be included in the celebrations. 

Sometimes it is hard to stay in the moment of celebration with our friends.  My mind wanders to thoughts of what things would be like if Peyton were still here.  Would he have found his lifetime mate?  Would he be doing well in college or would he have gone to work by now?  I know Peyton is in our eternal future, but our immediate future seems empty. 

I want MY son. 

I want my OWN grandchildren. 

People are very generous to us, sharing their families.  I get tired of sharing. 

Maybe it’s not that I get tired of sharing.  Maybe I am afraid THEY will get tired of sharing, that one day the invites and visits will stop and Tom & I will be left behind.  Not only would we be left behind, but the memory of Peyton would be left behind with their childhoods. 

My mind is a battlefield.  I say this because I know all these thoughts and fears that I have mentioned are contrary to reality.  They come to taunt me anyway. 

So, I have to re –focus. 

The truth is Tom and I have a huge family, a family that is growing and changing.  Our relationships are real. They are not based on missing Peyton.  They are grounded in mutual love and respect.  We are carving out a life full of joy and God’s glory.  This is a complex process.  Each time we move into a new area it usually involves letting go of something.  Letting go is difficult, especially if it involves your child.  So I ask God to help me find ways to carry the memories in a productive way.  It isn’t easy and there are times I don’t wanna!!!  I eventually do.

Thank you so much for reading : )


He still cracks me up!!


Kelley said...

I have been thinking about you guys! Glad you are doing well! Love the picture with you and Peyton!

MarshaMarshaMarsha said...

well said, becky. love you!