Monday, November 9, 2009

A New Battle

I haven’t written about missing Peyton as often as I used to.  I still miss him all the time.  The hard times are fewer and further between, but I have my moments.  I don’t write about it as much because there is nothing new to say about it.

In the beginning, I told myself over and over and over that Peyton was in Heaven and I would not see him again on this earth.  I felt if I told myself enough times, it would seem real.  The fact would soak into my brain and I would get used to it.  I live with it every day and there are still times it is unbelievable.

There is no longer a voice screaming in my head that I want him back.  There is a voice, but it isn’t screaming.  The weight that was on my chest isn’t there anymore.  I don’t know if it lifted all at once or if it got lighter and lighter until it wasn’t there. 

For so long my main focus was getting through each hour, each day, each week without losing my mind.  The battle has changed.  I keep wondering and thinking about what would Peyton  be doing if he were here.  How would things be different? 

This is not where my focus should be.  It is not living, wondering what if or if only.  It sneaks up on you at first.  I see Peyton’s friends living their lives and I think, What would Peyton be doing/saying etc.

When I catch myself doing this, I turn it around.  Instead of thinking about what he ISN’T doing on this earth, I think, “What IS PEYTON DOING IN HEAVEN?  What assignments has God given him?  I believe Heaven to be a very productive place.  Who has he met?  What was the reunion like between Peyton and his grandpa?  They had been separated for 13 years.  They are very close.  (did you notice I said are very close?)  I never imagined that Peyton would see him before we did.

I am looking forward to the future and seeing my boy again, but until then I will remember Peyton with joy.  I confessed and believed that for so long.  I had forgotten it until just now.  His memories do bring me joy, I want the thought of the present to bring me joy too.  I’ve slacked off writing “lists” so here goes.

My present is

filled with people who love me.

important and productive.

filled with opportunities to bless others.

a time for growth and strengthening myself.



bringing me closer to my future.



Kelley said...

This is a great post. It teaches us a lot about life and living. It is difficult to get to where you are now, but you are so strong.

seeking him... said...

thank you for sharing your heart & thoughts with us.
You are a blessing to me! (#3 from your list)

Anonymous said...

Awesome!! I often wonder what Heaven is like also! I am sure my dad has assignments that we could only dream about in the natural! I am sure he is soaking up all the teachings from Paul, David, and others. I love knowing that he is in fact alive and completely whole! It gives me such peace!!

Mona said...

Really great post, Becky!

MarshaMarshaMarsha said...

Is it crazy to say that I have thought at times if losing ones mind would bring some sort of relief?

But then I am always reminded that Christian has been spared this pain and sorrow. He won't ever have to be disappointed in people or circumstances or himself. He won't ever have to suffer heartbreak or grief. Because he is exactly where God created him to be-- not here on this earth but in His holy presence!

And a momma always wants what is best for her child.

I wonder if Peyton and Christian have met yet? I wonder exactly what kind of timeline Heaven is on? I wonder if the perfectness of it all means a feeling of warm, summer weather or a cool, crisp fall day?

I am so glad that it is getting less hard for you. I don't think it will ever be easy, but less hard... I'll take that.

Empty Nest Full Life said...

I will be praying for you. I cannot even begin to imagine all the different feelings that you have experienced along this journey. Keep clinging to Him. Jackie