Monday was a “snow day” for us. We have had more snow this year than we have had in a very long time.
I’d gotten up at 5:00 a.m. fully intending for Tom to take me to work when he went in. The weatherman kept saying it was going to snow more and get worse, so we decided to stay home. It did snow a lot more, but the roads weren’t that bad. I wish I would have gone to work. My day at home wasn’t that great. I did bake two batches of cookies that turned out really good. The first cookie sheet full burned on the bottom, so I adjusted my oven temperature and finished cooking the rest just fine. When I started mixing the second batch, I knocked my mixer off the counter and broke it. I finished the batch up with a 50 year old mixer I have sitting on my buffet for decoration. I was thankful that it did the job.
I spent the remainder of the day cleaning closets, switching out books in two bookcases and cleaning more on Peyton’s room. It is still hard. I don’t like it. I don’t want to go in there and physically face the fact that he does not need his “things” anymore. I cry and it sucks the energy out of me. I want to write something positive, but I am still having a pity party. I still want him to come home. I know he’s in Heaven, but I want Peyton here with us, making us laugh and thinking about our future.
It came to me just now that I am thinking and planning for our future. I have been cleaning and organizing things so the “little ones” we know will have a space to have their toys and a place to play. God is moving me forward in spite of myself. He loves me so much.
This post has been all over the place. I had to wait until after I wrote it to title it. Thanks for wandering through it with me. :)
4 comments:
Drat! Tried to post to your blog and the silly verification box didn't work.
(This comment has been copied from Facebook, it's from Cindy :).)
So I thought I'd just send you the note I wrote:
You know what's amazing to me about Becky Jackson?? She keeps on keeping on!! I'd just think, "this day didn't work out like I wanted it to, sit down and cry and NOT post until I got myself together. Isn't that a horrid phrase, "got myself together"? That's deception. Who can possibly do that? No one without God. I love that you are not walking in deception where the enemy can destroy. You're WALKING by faith, not SITTING down in the pity party. Pity may want to come but you're still walking on--it can't camp on you. Each day gets brighter and brighter as you keep walking toward the Light. Just because the cloud of pity temporarily blocked the light doesn't mean the Son is not still shining brightly from above. Keep walking toward the Light:]
I love this post. I feel all over the place sometimes too. God does love you and is helping through.
I had that exact mixer.. except mine was harvest gold. And it belonged to my grandmother. And it just broke about a year ago. I loved it. I have a new one now. Don't love it. Breaking the mixer isn't exactly on the 'good day' list either. : )
I know what you mean. Dealing with 'the stuff' is so hard. I'm sorry you had a rough day.
when we repainted the boys bedroom we found a whole bunch of pencil marks on the wall next to Christian's bed on the bottom bunk. i remember sitting there crying... thinking about his hands scribbling on the wall, how they probably moved, what the sound of the lead rubbing on the wall would be like. we cried, took a picture, and kept on painting.
that really stunk big time!
(((hugs))) to you as you walk this road.
i wish we lived close so we could have a pity party together. you bring cookies and i'll make coffee (or get you a cold glass of milk). we could cry and talk and cry some more together.
and then i know that God would bring us back to Him... to where our focus should be. even on the days when we don't want to get out of bed or when we dream about how wonderful TRUE REST would be!
but we have to wait for that rest, dear becky. it is not here but in glory.
it won't be long... just finish this race and finish it well!
love,
marsha
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