Friday, March 6, 2009

New Shoes - Updated 3-7-09

I saw today that I need new athletic shoes. I don't want new ones. The ones I am wearing have a spot of Peyton's blood on them. I waited weeks before I washed them, but I washed them. I even used Spray-N-Wash on the spot. It didn't come out and I was glad. I don't know why, I just was. Wearing them doesn't make me feel closer to him, but replacing them feels like one more step further away from him.

I miss him so much, but I know I am better. I know that I am smiling more and more. This time last year.......I don't want to even think about how hard it was. You don't think you are in shock, but you are. The shock has worn off and Peyton is not going to walk through the door telling me "Mom, I'm home!". He's not going to call me and ask, "Mom, can I .............?" I know it is permanent, not eternity permanent, just earthly permanent. I hate missing him and I want him back! This is not going to happen. There are times in my head I am screaming and throwing a tantrum, acting like a child who is not getting their way.

I am a child, a child of the Most High God.
I am covered by the Blood.
I walk in complete victory.
My Father loves me.
I have a sound mind.
satan is a liar.
I am seeing the "Big Picture".........thanks Jess
I will see Peyton again

I will overcome these emotions and I will buy new shoes.

Saturday, after work, I got these shoes!
At the end of this year, I will read these posts and I will not recognize myself. Thank you Lord.


dar said...

BEEEE - U - TEE - ful! You are very brave! You ROCK!!!

Staci said...

I love your new shoes! It's like a symbol of your bravery! And I love your blog! I don't comment it every time, but I read every post . . I laugh, I cry, but then I kind of fumble around trying to think of what to say. Then, trying not to say something wrong, I don't say anything. For that, I am sorry! You are special to my heart, Becky! I love you!!!!

Staci said...
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ps said...

You already aren't the same. And it isn't even 1/4 of the way into the year! Love you!!! And your shoes. I need some new ones...

Matt Nichols said...

Becky, this is Myrna on Matt's blog. Your story is awesome, way to go girl. Praise God!!!!!

Cindy B said...

Those shoes are your vision--you can and will keep taking one step at a time! Not is your own strength but you are in God and He's taking you a step at a time. I remember my head telling my feet that they couldn't walk down the hospital corridor to look at our Aaron laying on the bed in his Winnie Pooh jamas. But my spirit overruled my head and my feet and by God's grace I walked. God is the same faithful God. I love most that you keep writing your confession and holding fast. The vision will come to pass. My heart is bonded with yours:)

Mona said...

I agree with Cindy. The vision WILL come to pass! Though it tarry, wait on it! It will surely come to pass - the Word of the Lord never fails.

p.s. I love your hair!!! Nice do!!!!!!!