Reflecting Jesus

I must come clean, I copied this from another blog. It blessed me and served as a great reminder. Thanks Susie.

We are therefore Christ's ambassadors.
II Corinthians 5:20

Every encounter we have is an opportunity to reflect Jesus into somebody's life.

Our lives are not perfect, but our actions and responses should demonstrate that our heavenly Father is dependable, faithful, forgiving and present. We are His ambassadors, representing the Savior to the people we encounter every day. Our lives are opportunities for those around us to see the Lord in action as we serve others-or as we reveal peacefulness and trust, even during difficult times.

~Charles Stanley~

Grief is powerful, but God......

the Creator lives in me. I have had several hard days, but I am feeling strong again. I have been thinking about what grief tries to do to me.

to isolate me
to make me lose focus on the good.
to make me feel confused and without purpose.

I have read countless books, websites, articles etc about people who have lost their children. They scared me. They told me over and over that people who haven't lost a child do not understand. I don't believe that. Every parent that looks at me and knows what happened to Peyton, tries to think what they would do if their child was gone. They can go where I have been, touch it and then their mind shuts down. It is too horrible to imagine. I know they do not have to live with it every minute like I do, but they know what it feels like. I will not isolate myself by saying people don't understand.

Every time a milestone comes around (ie prom, graduation, etc) I know Peyton will not experience it and neither will I. There are times it is a struggle not to dwell on that. I will not dwell on these things, it would destroy me. I am a blessed child of God and have so many good things. (this is where the lists come in) I knew from the very beginning of this that Peyton's life was stolen from me, but mine and Tom's life would not be destroyed.

John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full

When you are a parent and your only child is gone, your sense of purpose is shaken. What am I to do now? (Don't get me wrong......for months I did not care about anything, I just held on to the fact God loved me.) My purpose was to raise my child into a Godly, productive, independent adult. My life's work was cut short. I must regroup and discover the purposes God has for me now. He was not surprised by my loss. God has a plan for me. God has gifted me for my purpose. I will hear His voice and obey. He wants good things for me.

Grief is a natural human emotion. God gave me emotions, but they are not to control me. I am a spirit led child of God. There is also a spirit of grief. Oh how I have fought the temptation to wallow in it!!! You are so tired of fighting it sometimes, you entertain the thought, "it may be easier to give in". How hard it would be to come back from that!! I have had people ask me how I get out of bed. I am afraid not to get out of bed.

Something else I have realized over the last month. My memory is coming back, maybe not memory but focus. I can focus on my work and if someone asks me a question about something I did a week ago, I remember it and can hold a conversation about it. Before, if someone asked me about something there was a good chance I didn't remember doing it, let alone details. I probably did it correctly, but in my mind I may have done it or I may not have. Hope that made sense.

Okay, now I am going to tell the craziest thing I did after Peyton went to Heaven. Are you ready?
I Googled......."When is Jesus Coming Back" I know, I was feeling desparate at the time. Okay....I Googled it more than once. I know that no one knows, but I did it anyway. You can find out anything on the Internet, can't you?

Introducing..........the Peanuts!

I talk about them so much, I had to post a picture. These friends have been invaluable to us. They have spent hours with us in our home and including us in their lives. We are blessed to call them friends.

.

Prom

Me, Casey Jo & Tom




Tom, Me, Megan & Adam

Tonight was Prom night. We met the Peanuts so we could take some pictures of the kids. I love these kids and are glad to have them around. I appreciate them sharing their lives with us. When we were at the park, I saw a guy wearing a Peyton button. I was surprised, but it made me feel good.

I have been having some low times the past couple of days. I suppose the whole prom thing makes me realize the milestones we are going to miss out on. I am grateful to be a part of the other kids lives, but of course it is not the same. I am not sad for Peyton, he is missing nothing. My heart just hurts for Tom & I. There is a hole in our lives and it will never be filled. I can only distract myself with other good things so my heart doesn't ache so much.

I pray that God shows us ways to enrich and bless others' lives. That is why we are here, to be a blessing to others.

Father God,
I come to you in the name of Jesus. I thank you Lord that you illuminate our opportunities to bless others. I thank you Lord that we are quick to speak Your Word into peoples lives. You are opening doors and our focus will be on others. I know Peyton is in Your care. You will put people in our path that we are to care for. I thank you Lord that we are still parents and will continue to parent as You send kids to us. You have equipped us for every good work.

Amen

Relief?

Today, April 16th is what everyone in an accounting office dreams of, the end of tax season. Of course for people who extended their returns, they have until October 15th, which is also a crazy deadline in the accounting world. But for now, I am at the office enveloped in quiet.

Right now after all the rush, there is a little let down. Don't get me wrong, I am really, really glad it is over. I look back and think of last year and all I was going through. It amazes me that I made it without losing it too much.

Around the end of Feb 2008, I went into the Managing Partner's office to talk to him. I told him, holding back tears (not too well) that I couldn't work tax season hours and still hold it together. Being too tired makes it hard to focus on the good and the loss was still so fresh. He looked at me and said, "Do whatever you need to do, we will manage." He meant it; I could see it in his eyes. Having that kind of support was invaluable to me. I knew it would be okay to take care of myself and people would understand. Several times I was crying in my office and people came in and prayed for me. What more could you ask for in co-workers?

I am a blessed woman and I know it. I miss you PDJ.

There is no tax season in Heaven.

Mule Skinner

The term muleskinner means someone who can "skin" or outsmart a mule. Mules are known for being stubborn, but really are just smart. So, you have to be smarter than a mule to train them

Tom didn't "train" this mule, just rode him. I think he would be disappointed if I didn't post this pic. My husband cracks me up. He talked about this mule on several different occasions today. I asked him......what's up with the mule talk. He told me he's always wanted a mule!!! Sorry Tom, I do not see owning a mule in our future. But he does look good up there, doesn't he?

Peyton Story #1

Peyton was about five years old when this story occurred. He and I were walking out of our church; Peyton was several steps ahead of me. There was a boy outside the church holding the door so Peyton couldn't open it. Peyton said, "When I get outside, I am going to get him." Trying to use this situation to teach him something, I said, no Peyton we treat others the way we want to be treated.

Peyton said, He is treating me the way he wants to be treated, I am going to get him!!

I then had to explain it was not our job to bring about other peoples' harvests, no matter how deserving we thought they were.

Love that kid. I always told him, "you are my little red haired boy I love so much."

I am smiling :-)

Psalm 18:2a (Updated)

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;

my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.

Psalm 18:2a

I want to hide from the world, but I will not. I am recovering from being sick and I am feeling very carnal right now. Emotionally, I am everywhere.

I don't want to make a list. (said in a whiney two year old voice)

I am blessed with

a growing, thriving, exciting church.
an awesome husband.
a purpose.
God's love.
a good job.
caring friends.
a spirit that rules my flesh (see, getting better already)
Godly wisdom.
a hunger for more of God.
a tenacity to win.


If I don't quit, I win.

After posting this and thinking about things, I had to update this post. I am a blessed child of God. I think about my life and my trials........they are nothing compared to my God. I've seen children on the news in third world countries who've lost their parents to AIDS and are watching their siblings die from starvation. My problems are nothing.

Even though my life is easy compared to others, my God still cares. My God is so GINORMOUS. He can handle all the big stuff going on in the world and still care about me when I am hurting. That amazes me. My God is more than enough.