Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Grief is powerful, but God......

the Creator lives in me. I have had several hard days, but I am feeling strong again. I have been thinking about what grief tries to do to me.

to isolate me
to make me lose focus on the good.
to make me feel confused and without purpose.

I have read countless books, websites, articles etc about people who have lost their children. They scared me. They told me over and over that people who haven't lost a child do not understand. I don't believe that. Every parent that looks at me and knows what happened to Peyton, tries to think what they would do if their child was gone. They can go where I have been, touch it and then their mind shuts down. It is too horrible to imagine. I know they do not have to live with it every minute like I do, but they know what it feels like. I will not isolate myself by saying people don't understand.

Every time a milestone comes around (ie prom, graduation, etc) I know Peyton will not experience it and neither will I. There are times it is a struggle not to dwell on that. I will not dwell on these things, it would destroy me. I am a blessed child of God and have so many good things. (this is where the lists come in) I knew from the very beginning of this that Peyton's life was stolen from me, but mine and Tom's life would not be destroyed.

John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full

When you are a parent and your only child is gone, your sense of purpose is shaken. What am I to do now? (Don't get me wrong......for months I did not care about anything, I just held on to the fact God loved me.) My purpose was to raise my child into a Godly, productive, independent adult. My life's work was cut short. I must regroup and discover the purposes God has for me now. He was not surprised by my loss. God has a plan for me. God has gifted me for my purpose. I will hear His voice and obey. He wants good things for me.

Grief is a natural human emotion. God gave me emotions, but they are not to control me. I am a spirit led child of God. There is also a spirit of grief. Oh how I have fought the temptation to wallow in it!!! You are so tired of fighting it sometimes, you entertain the thought, "it may be easier to give in". How hard it would be to come back from that!! I have had people ask me how I get out of bed. I am afraid not to get out of bed.

Something else I have realized over the last month. My memory is coming back, maybe not memory but focus. I can focus on my work and if someone asks me a question about something I did a week ago, I remember it and can hold a conversation about it. Before, if someone asked me about something there was a good chance I didn't remember doing it, let alone details. I probably did it correctly, but in my mind I may have done it or I may not have. Hope that made sense.

Okay, now I am going to tell the craziest thing I did after Peyton went to Heaven. Are you ready?
I Googled......."When is Jesus Coming Back" I know, I was feeling desparate at the time. Okay....I Googled it more than once. I know that no one knows, but I did it anyway. You can find out anything on the Internet, can't you?

5 comments:

Mona said...

Oh, Becky, you make me smile! You are amazing and God is BIG in you! You talk like someone who knows - "If I don't quit, I win!"

Landon Parker said...

Very inspiring Becky. There is something so encouraging about someone who, no matter what, lives with such purpose and a no quit attitude!

ps said...

You do have a purpose and you were made for that purpose. Raising Peyton was part of it but not all of it. There is still plenty to be done and I how no doubts you will do it. You can't keep a good woman down. I'm proud of you!

Evan said...

Way to go Becky! I love your attitude and determination! Get ready b/c you and Tom are going to do (and are doing) GREAT things for God! God's plans for you are GOOD!! Love you.

Susie (So Blessed) said...

You are a living example of
Philippians 4:13.

May you be blessed as
you continue your
journey.

With my prayers,
Susie