Happy…………………

I got up from my cozy bed to write this post.  I was lying there with my husband and I said, “I’m happy.”  He said, “me too.” 

As soon as the words left my lips, every fiber in my brain sounded an alarm.  HOW CAN THIS BE???  My baby boy is not here. My life is not complete.  My life is not as it was before. Nothing is as it should be. 

Then the rational side of my heart took over.  Even though things are different, they are good.  Lots of peoples lives don’t follow the paths they thought they would follow.  People lose jobs, move etc.  How can I compare Peyton moving to Heaven to someone losing a job or any of the numerous things people have to adjust to?  Losing a child is life changing, gut wrenching, exhausting, sad and just plain wrong, but my God is bigger.  He is bigger than anything that can happen on this earth.

My heart that was shattered into an infinite number of pieces is whole again.  It has some cracks, but it is in one functioning, loving piece.  God is in the healing and loving business.

When I say “God did it”, don’t misunderstand.  He does not pick & choose who heals and who doesn’t.  He has given us His word and it is our choice to read it and apply it.  Some days I do not want to make the right choice and I’m sure there have been lots of instances when I didn’t choose correctly, but He was always there waiting for me. I’ve wrestled with grief; sometimes afraid to let go.  Not because I wanted to be sad, but because…….(holy cow, I can’t believe I’m going to admit this for all to see) if I remained sad, no one would be able to forget the reason I was sad.  My grief would serve as a reminder to everyone that Peyton was gone.  They might even talk about him after I left the room.  (I really can’t believe I just typed that)  I don’t think I have any more secrets.  My heart is pounding so hard right now. 

I will miss Peyton until I am reunited with him in Heaven.  Will I still grieve?  I’m sure I will, but for the most part, I will be happy, occasional tears included.

Obedience is Freedom

Tom & I went to the graduation ceremony Saturday, May 22nd.  It wasn’t as hard as I thought.  I’d had a very strong week leading up to it.  God’s grace is sufficient.  It is more than enough.  In my previous post I wrote about fasting television and why God had me fast that particular thing.  Fasting in and of itself does nothing.  Fasting, prayer and obedience produces benefits that cannot be measured.  I know that if I had not been obedient, if I had not fasted, I wouldn’t have made it through graduation.  I would have been in a puddle of tears, maybe in the parking lot, maybe in the foyer of the auditorium.  I don’t think I would have made it to my seat. 

Fasting and prayer is changing me.  God doesn’t lead us to fast to punish us or to make our lives hard.  He leads us to fast so we can get our flesh in submission and we can hear His voice all the more clear.  He loves us and wants to lead us into victory.  Obedience is freedom. 

Tom & I are not fasting television right now, but we have drastically cut down our viewing time.  We are much more productive, spiritually & physically.  It is a permanent change. 

I will be doing a post about graduation very soon (with lots of pictures).  Tom & I were surprised and blessed by the ceremony.  Make sure you have kleenex when you read it.

Thanks for reading!

 

Where is My Escape?

Our church began a fast this week.  It is a personal thing, seeking God and asking what He would have us give up.  Mine & Tom’s eating habits have been drastically restricted and we’ve allowed ourselves one television show a week…………. not a day, a week. 

We fasted like this before back in January (not the television part).  In January, I was very excited about it.  It truly revolutionized my feelings about food.  I have been delivered from food ruling my life.  I get on the scales occasionally.  I have lost around 25 lbs since the first fast.  The number is not what is important.  It is the freedom from the bondage food had over my life.  God is good, all the time.

This time around, it is a different story.  My flesh is screaming!!!!  My mind is telling me, “if you’re delivered from food addiction, you should be able to eat whatever you want”.  Shut-up flesh.  You’ll eat fruits and vegetables like you’re told.  I am a triune being.  I am a spirit that has a soul and I live in a body.  My body will not rule me.

I really, really, really want to watch television.  God revealed to me today, why I want to watch television so much (one of the reasons anyway).  Television is an escape.  If I’m watching, I don’t have to deal with issues in my life.  I am distracted and can act like everything is ok.  I can feel like I am ok. 

This afternoon, Tom & I will be going to the school to present some students with the Peyton Jackson Memorial Scholarship.  I thought I was fine with it, but I’m not.  I’ve been grouchy to my husband last night and this morning (grief takes many forms).  I kept thinking how I wanted to turn on the TV.  Then God let me know this is why I won’t be watching TV.  He’s not going to let me escape.  I will run to my Father and confront all these feelings.  I will pray that He will carry me through the assembly.  I will ask Him to satisfy my soul with good things, so I will not dwell on what I am missing.  I love these kids that are getting the scholarships and I want to enjoy their moment……..I think I’ve written about that before.. 

So excuse me, I’ve got some praying to do.

Enjoy the Moment?

I want to be present for all the excitement and celebration of high school graduation.  It’s proving to be harder than I thought.  I am so proud of Peyton’s graduating class.  I want to enjoy their moment.  Right now, the thoughts of what I do not have are overtaking me.  I miss him.  I want him here.  I want my earthly future to include him.  Heaven seems too far away.

What am I going to do?  I’ve cried.  I’ve thought about what I do not have.  I’ve cried.  I’ve chastised myself for giving in to the negative.  and I’ve cried.  I feel weak and powerless. 

Okay, I’m back.  I know you don’t know I left, but I did.  I had to get my bible.  I need the word.  He never fails me.

Phil 4:4-7

Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again:  Rejoice!!! Let your gentleness be evidence to all the Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Rejoicing doesn’t come easy sometimes, but it is important for our peace of mind.  That’s why he said it twice.  I didn’t want to get my bible.  Matter of fact, I didn’t want to write this post, but I couldn’t stay in the state of mind I was in for another minute. 

I will

Rejoice

Stay in the Word, it is my lifeline

If I do these things, I will enjoy the moment.

The Weekend

We’ve had a busy weekend here in the Jackson household.  Friday night we had dinner with friends.  These were people that we see regularly but never had  spent any one on one time with.  It was good to connect on a more personal level. 

Sentimental Saturday – My best friend’s dad’s birthday party was Saturday afternoon.  He turned 65.  I have know this man since I was in the 9th grade (a very long time ago).  He was an example to me for the kind of man I wanted to marry.  He is very devoted to his family and always has been.    Saturday evening was a different high school friend’s parent’s 50th wedding anniversary celebration.  It was a good time.  They had rented a room on the second floor of the Fort Smith Historical Museum for the party.  As we were leaving the party, Tom & I were looking at some of the exhibits.  We were walking out the door and Tom said, “I think this is where my dad used to work when I was a kid.”  There was a lady working at the front desk, so we asked her what businesses had been in this building previously.  She directed us to an exhibit that showed the history of the building.  Turned out Tom’s dad had worked there back in the 60’s.  Tom remembered going to work with his dad and eating at the lunch counter they had in the building.  Tom’s dad has been in Heaven since 1996.  We miss him, but know he and Peyton are having a great time together.  It was neat to be in a place that was connected to him and that Tom remembered even though we figured Tom was probably only 3 or 4 at the time.

Sunday – Great church service.  It is good to know I am growing in the things of God.  God is big in me; He never leaves me.  After church we had some people over for dinner and a good visit.  Tom got to show off his grilling skills and his garden. 

A very full and satisfying weekend.