Monday, May 31, 2010

Happy…………………

I got up from my cozy bed to write this post.  I was lying there with my husband and I said, “I’m happy.”  He said, “me too.” 

As soon as the words left my lips, every fiber in my brain sounded an alarm.  HOW CAN THIS BE???  My baby boy is not here. My life is not complete.  My life is not as it was before. Nothing is as it should be. 

Then the rational side of my heart took over.  Even though things are different, they are good.  Lots of peoples lives don’t follow the paths they thought they would follow.  People lose jobs, move etc.  How can I compare Peyton moving to Heaven to someone losing a job or any of the numerous things people have to adjust to?  Losing a child is life changing, gut wrenching, exhausting, sad and just plain wrong, but my God is bigger.  He is bigger than anything that can happen on this earth.

My heart that was shattered into an infinite number of pieces is whole again.  It has some cracks, but it is in one functioning, loving piece.  God is in the healing and loving business.

When I say “God did it”, don’t misunderstand.  He does not pick & choose who heals and who doesn’t.  He has given us His word and it is our choice to read it and apply it.  Some days I do not want to make the right choice and I’m sure there have been lots of instances when I didn’t choose correctly, but He was always there waiting for me. I’ve wrestled with grief; sometimes afraid to let go.  Not because I wanted to be sad, but because…….(holy cow, I can’t believe I’m going to admit this for all to see) if I remained sad, no one would be able to forget the reason I was sad.  My grief would serve as a reminder to everyone that Peyton was gone.  They might even talk about him after I left the room.  (I really can’t believe I just typed that)  I don’t think I have any more secrets.  My heart is pounding so hard right now. 

I will miss Peyton until I am reunited with him in Heaven.  Will I still grieve?  I’m sure I will, but for the most part, I will be happy, occasional tears included.

10 comments:

Mona said...

Becky, you are awesome!! I'm in awe of what God has done in you.

Michelle Couch said...

I just LOVE LOVE LOVE you Becky Jackson! YOU are the most amazing person I have ever known!

Kay said...

So true. Love the last paragraph. Said so perfectly! : )

seeking him... said...

Becky,
Love this post! Thank you for speaking truth... even when it reveals your deepest secrets & fears. What freedom there is in that! And that is what God is all about... freedom to live totally surrendered to Him.
Praying that you will continue to make those right choices! :)
Seeking Him, chippy

mary beth said...

Becky, you are so articulate with your feelings. Just another way that God has blessed you--you are an encouragement to so many. God always has a plan and there is no measuring the comfort that you & Tom have given others. You are continuing to make your precious Peyton proud.

MarshaMarshaMarsha said...

if I remained sad, no one would be able to forget the reason I was sad.

Oh Becky! You hit the nail on the head. I have that fear too and didn't even realize it. Sometimes I want to walk around with a big sign that says "I miss my boy Christian! He was here! And you would love him!"

If you think about it, will you please pray for us? We have some pressing matters that came up recently. It's is so easy to be discouraged, but I am thankful that we serve a MIGHTY God! Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world.

Dar said...

I have wanted to read THIS post from you since you started blogging! One thing you always acknowledge is that our God is bigger. And because He is bigger other things HAVE to become not as big as Him. When I look at you I see your BIG GOD! What a glorious testimony to Him you are! Oh, that when people see me they see my big God! Thank you, Becky!

Empty Nest Full Life said...

Praying you have a blessed and "Happy Day" today. Jackie

Jennifer said...

This post has had such a profound impact on me - this is not the first time I have read it. I keep coming back to re-read it. I still seem to struggle with enjoying all the beauty and blessings - and JOY - that God has given me....afraid to "not keep grieving" so others don't forget Tyler. It sounds crazy - but you know what I'm talking about it. Your post is encouraging. I CAN miss Tyler with all my heart - and still embrace the joyful life Christ offers....

Am so blessed by your blog - Hugs, Jennifer

Jen said...

Becky,
I came across your blog a few months ago -- I can't remember now exactly how. I don't think we ever met in person, but Peyton was in my class for 8th grade language arts and, I assure you, I could never forget him! I have just poured over your posts and I have shed a lot of tears sitting here at this computer. This particular post is amazing and I love your honesty.