My Experience

I read a comment on Facebook about George Strait's wife, Norma. They were wondering if she knew how lucky she is (I am assuming because George is her husband). Someone then commented that their 13 year old daughter was killed in a car accident (accident was in 1986) and Norma's life was ruined. I was going to comment publicly on Facebook about this, but felt too much attention would be drawn to it and my comment might make this person feel bad. So here I am on my own personal blog writing whatever I need to write. I won't worry what people think.

Peyton's homegoing did not ruin my life. It is forever changed and I am left with a huge hole that nothing will fill. I miss Peyton every hour of every day. However, I cannot live with the attitude that it is ruined. How much longer and miserable would my time that is left here on this earth be if that is what I focused on? I do have miserable times. But I do not let them consume me. I am adamant about my life meaning something. For my life to mean something, I must fulfill God's plan and serve others. This keeps my focus on something bigger than me. This in turn, keeps depression under my feet. I am not saying this for you to think I am great and selfless. I am not. I am surviving; some days I am even living. I will not be beaten.

People think that "keeping busy" helps. I think it postpones and makes me tired. After the busyness subsides you are left in the quiet, feeling the feelings you have tried to avoid. (this is when depression likes to try to come) Serving on the other hand fills a need, not only for me but for whoever I am serving. I am part of the biggest plan ever; God's plan, and I will not be stopped. I am living my life with purpose and looking forward to seeing Peyton again. Writing this post has helped me today. I have to remind myself of my purpose to stay on top. The followng scripture tells me if I obey, I cannot be on the bottom!

Deuteronomy 28

³ You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country.

¹³ The LORD will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the LORD your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom.

I know the Facebook comment was made out of inexperience. I hope they never experience it. Of course, I do not know the Straits personally, but I have read they have a foundation in their daughter's name. It gives to children's charities in the San Antonio area (coincidentally, we are going to S.A. in June). Sounds to me like they are serving others and living life.

Vacation

I don't think I've mentioned it, but we (Me, Tom, & my two teenage cousins) are going to San Antonio in June. We are definitely going to Sea World, the Riverwalk and probably the Alamo. If any of you have been and have suggestions on what to see, where to eat, etc. I would appreciate it. Or if you have suggestions on what NOT to do, that would be good too.

Thanks for the help!

Sowing seed for the Future

I usuall title my posts before I start writing. Sometimes I have to change it when I am
finished. This is one of those times. God is amazing. If you let Him, He will speak through you and your own words will comfort you.

We had a great time last night, lots of company over for my birthday, mostly teenagers (love them). After they all left and Tom and I were alone, I was telling him how much I hated not having NEW stories about Peyton. We are all living and moving on without him and I hate it. I am not overwhelmed by it, but it makes me angry sometimes.

This sounds terrible but sometimes it feels like he never existed. There is a huge empty space where he is supposed to be. This boy was the focus of my life for 16 years and I miss him so much. The memories are not enough; I want a future with him in it, with his children in it; but this is not to be.

Tom and I are seed sowers. We will continue to sow into the lives of the kids we do have and expect blessings. I am not trying to replace Peyton with them. They are so unique and each hold special places in our hearts. We love them and know we would not have the same kind of relationships with them if Peyton were here.

Father God, send them to us and we will love them like You love them. I want to glorify you with my life and I am expecting an abundant harvest from every seed sown. I confess that I am "Heaven minded". I try to imagine what glorious things You have in store for us in Heaven but my mind cannot comprehend. I have no doubt Peyton is with You and will be there to greet us all when we arrive. I know Peyton has no lack, but it makes me feel better to ask; love on him for me today. It's the only thing I can do for him.

Vanity...........not Violence

Inquiring minds want to know.........what happened to my face. I was not in a brawl, nor was I attacked at the clearance rack at Dillards.

I went to the dermatologist yesterday to inquire about a chemical peel. It evens out the skin tone, etc. She suggested I wait until the fall when the sun exposure won't be as much. I took her advice, but in the meantime she hooked me up with some laser treatment to rid my complexion of some unsightly splotches. I was concerned I was too vain, but if I am willing to walk around like this for 7 days, how vain can I be?

Comment away.

Change

Last week, work was crazy busy. People taking off for vacations and a deadline, a small one, but important stuff had to be done. Wednesday and Thurs were really hard. I was getting so emotional.

I usually try to identify where it is coming from, tiredness, hormones (blah, I hate admitting that one), significant dates, or just missing Peyton so much. I had a hard time putting my finger on it this time. I was wondering was it being tired from my job, or was I stressed at my job because of the sadness?

I think the source was..............change.

It was graduation this weekend and summer is on its way. Even when I am not conscious of it, change triggers the sadness. Changes that have been happening every year at the same time year after year...... the seasons...... school ending....... school beginning......... hunting season, come with expectations. We loved watching Peyton experience these changes and growing through them all. It is different now.

Our lives have changed. These seasons and changes don't have the same significance to us they once did. That is the biggest change of all.

Every summer I have had the luxury of cutting back my work week to four days. When I made this request at my present job, I remember telling the H/R partner that I wanted to be home with my son because he was growing up so fast and would be gone soon. Last summer I did continue this and cut back to 4 days, mostly because I needed the rest. This year I'm not sure what I will do.

Tom & I are adjusting our lives. We are living in the here and now. We have to learn what our new expectations should be. I know God does not want us to lower them. He wants us to expect, receive and do something different. God is good all the time.

He was Here.

I read something today that made me think. A woman's child had died 7 years ago. He had been very sick. She came across a prescription bottle of his and threw it in the trash. She thought about his name being on the prescription bottle and got the bottle out of the trash and put it back in the cabinet. For her, having it there symbolized the fact that he had been there and was not forgotten.

I had thrown away a prescription bottle of Peyton's. When I read this women's story, I regretted it for a second. Then I realized there are so many ways to tell Peyton was here. I see him in his friends. I see him in the changes his passing has brought about. The influence, the laughs, and the joy that he left are all proof that Peyton was here. It sounds so cliche', but cliches are usually true aren't they.

I am filling the hole he left with thoughts of him being in my Heavenly future. I do the best when I stay in the "right now". It is a tightrope walk... head up...looking straight ahead. No looking back to where I've been, no looking at the ground or distractions at my side. I'm going to make it to the end of the tightrope, wobbling less and less on my way. When I get to the end, I will hear, "Good job" from my Heavenly Father. God loves me so much.

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day. Hope you had a great one.

For me I can honestly say.....this year's was better than last year's.

My Turn to Rant

This post has been rolling around inside me for some time. Read it with extra volume, as I am pretty passionate about this subject.

I am tired of hearing the phrase "everything happens for a reason." There may be a "reason" but I can assure you not everything happens for a GOD reason. You know the phrase; God good.......devil bad. I also hear, "well if it works out, it was meant to be". People are wandering around hoping their lives are going to "work out" and be blessed. God does not work this way. It is our job to ask Him for the plan and then implement the plan in our lives. God will bless and provide for His plan. We are not supposed to decide what we are to do and then ask Him to bless us.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I have also heard this thinking in reverse; if there is resistance it must not be God's will. Wake up people. We have an opponent and he wants to stop us from doing what God wants us to do. The times we experience difficulty or resistance is the time to stand our ground and speak God's Word. Our opponent cannot stop God's plan for our lives unless we let him. Another PK phrase, "If we don't quit .....we win."

God, our Father wants to communicate with us. He wants to tell us about the plans and blessings He has for our lives. We have to listen for His voice and promptings. We cannot leave things to chance and that is what we are doing if we don't take the time to ask, listen and then obey. When we know we have heard God, our confidence cannot be shaken even if we do experience opposition or difficulties.

I said at the beginning, this post has been inside me for awhile. I am experiencing some rumblings of change in my life. I do not plan on "hoping everything works out for the best". I plan on seeking God's will and then standing until it comes to pass. He loves me and wants to bless me. I will be right in the middle of His will so He can bless me.

Peyton Story #2

Peyton was between 2 and 3 years old. I was in the house and Tom was outside. I thought Peyton was outside with him. I walked out on the front porch and didn't see Peyton anywhere and I asked Tom where he was. He looked at me and I could tell he did not know, he thought he was in the house with me. I got that sick feeling, the feeling of panic. It took just a second for me to know what to do. I headed next door to the neighbors. I saw their front door was wide open. I walked right in and found Peyton in their living room. He had is arm......all the way to his shoulder, in their aquarium, trying to get a fish. I proceeded over to him, plucked his arm out of the water and led him out the front door........they never knew we were there.

Hugs for Eternity

I dreamed about Peyton this morning. He was younger, probably around 12. I was in a crowd of people and he walked in the room. Everyone turned and looked and said hey to him. I swooped down on my knees and hugged him with my eyes closed and I said, "Oh Peyton I can smell you." Then I woke up. That was not satisfying at all. I wanted to cry and not get up. Not getting up would just lead to more crying. Grief is a limit. I will not have it.

Last night Tom & I were talking about how we were doing. I talked about how people say, I wish I could see, hug, talk, etc. to their loved one one more time. I never felt that. There was nothing unsaid or undone about our relationship. I feel "one more time" would take me back to the first stages of grief and I don't want any part of that.

I will be able to hug Peyton for eternity.

Father God, I come to you with thanksgiving. You have provided a way that we can have a wonderful earthly life and then experience even better things when this earthly life is finished. You are Perfect, Wonderful, Ever Faithful. You love me more than I love myself. Hug Peyton for me today.