Not My Will, but Your Will

I was reading another blog a few minutes ago and it reminded me of something I thought about in church.  During Praise & Worship, there was a song about praising around the throne.  It made me think that Peyton could be doing that very thing.  Heaven is so real to me and it seemed very close at that moment.

My mind is on the eternal, not just about Peyton but EVERYTHING that is permanent and forever.  The people that are coming to know Jesus, every time we speak the Word of God to someone, every time we lay aside our will and do the will of our Father, these things are eternal.  It was also said in church today, “not my will, but Your will”; that is where I am.   Thank you Lord, because that is what it is going to take to get the job done.  When Pastor was preaching, I wanted to stand up and tell everyone we had to get busy because it has been so long since I have seen my son and I am ready.  I know it is not about me, but it makes me KNOW my real home is Heaven.    

The Harvest is ready, will you go?

Burke

Our high school football team had a great night last night. Burke is the quarterback and made 3 touchdowns. We are so proud of him. The PJ & MM stickers are for Peyton & another boy who had gone to Heaven the week before Peyton. Most of the football team had them on their helmets last year.

He and Peyton have been friends since the 1st grade. He has spent lots of hours at our house over the years and we love him like our own.

View Full Album

Burke was at the house quite a bit anyway, but after Peyton’s accident he came up probably 3 nights a week. He & Tom went hunting, fishing etc. I know it helped both of them and I liked having a hungry teenager around to cook for.

The kids and our community have amazed me. Tom and I have never felt alone as far as being the only ones missing Peyton. We talk about him freely and with smiles and laughter. We have helped each other heal and it has been a huge blessing.

We love Burke like a son. He is fast becoming a man and we are proud to call him our friend.

I hope to have more positive reports about our football team this season!!

The British Are Coming!

I've taken notice of some new words. I've heard them a few times (read them in some blogs) and I may start using them. I thought they were made up, but I "Googled" them and found out they are legitimate words. They are British slang. Here they are; expand your vocabulary.

Won-ky [wong-kee] – adjective, -ki-er, -ki-est

1. a. shaky, groggy or unsteady
   

   b. unreliable; not trustworthy
   

2. slang. Stupid; boring; unattractive
   
   
   

Snark-y [snar'ke] – adjective, -snark-i-er; snark-i-est

1. Rudely sarcastic or disrespectful; snide
   
2. Irritable or short tempered; irascible
   

Of course, I would never be "wonky" or "snarky", but you never know.

Stir it Up

In my last post I talked about “pressing in”, “tilling up” & stirring up”.  They are all great to talk about doing, but HOW do we do it?

2 Tim 1:6

Wherefore I put thee in remembrance that thou stir up the gift of God, which is in thee by the putting on of my hands.

I use the NIV translation which says “fan the flame” instead of “stir up the gift”

As soon as I posted my last post, I have wanted to communicate HOW to press, till & stir.  Then it came to me.  They are all VERBS.  Verbs are action.  They require me to DO something.  So what am I going to do everyday?

Read the Word – this gives fuel to my fire.  My life and my confession will have substance and foundation.

Pray the Word – this breathes life into my fire, like oxygen and gives the inferno inside me direction

Speak the Word – this spreads the fire and reinforces what I know is TRUTH.

If I do not do these things, my flame (or gift) will diminish from lack of use and my purpose will not be fulfilled.

I could write pages about this subject, but I won’t.  I write these snippets to make myself think and live deliberately.

Biggest Loser

                                              

We continued our tradition again this season by watching the Biggest Loser with the “Peanuts”.  We started watching it together after Peyton’s accident.  It has been a wonderful time together and being with good friends helps so much.  We love them.

This season, there is a woman named Abby.  In October 2006, her husband and 2 children were killed in a head on collision.  Her whole world was gone in an instant.  I miss my son constantly, but I still have my husband.  I cannot imagine having to come home to an empty house, especially in the early months of grief. 

I am inspired by her.  I don’t know where her “want to” comes from, especially after the tragedy she has endured (is enduring).  I watched her video on the BL website.  She said she didn’t want to dishonor her family by living the way she was living. 

After she weighed tonight (sorry, I don’t remember how much she lost), she made the statement, “death doesn’t scare me”.  She was saying the fear of death was not the motivational factor for her to lose weight.  I understand, death does not frighten me at all.  I don’t want to leave my husband here alone, I love him too much.

So what am I going to do?  I am going to press in and find my “want to”.  I am going to till up my desire to live life more today than I lived it yesterday.  I will “stir up” the gifts and callings God has placed on my life.  I am MORE THAN A CONQUEROR in every area of my life, including my weight.

I read over this post and I cannot believe I spill my guts like this.

p.s. Jillian scares me and she needs to quit dropping the F-bomb all the time.

Perspective

The first home football game of the season was last night. I saw the football program for the first time. Our page turned out great. A few other people included Peyton on their pages too. They have no idea what that means to us. They dug through their pictures and found some of Peyton and their kids from when they were younger. There were a few in their teenage years too. The football program reminded me again that this is their Senior year. We are all living our lives without him.

The wanting is overwhelming.

I want Peyton to be here. Sometimes after school events, I wonder if I live in denial. When we are with the other kids, it seems he is there too. Other times the hole is very obvious to me.

I look at pictures with a new perspective. Pictures of Peyton when he is younger do not bring me sadness. That little boy has been gone a long time. They used to make me a sad, thinking about the little boy who was now all grown up. It is the teenage pictures that tear at my heart, the recent ones that hint at the man he was becoming. I know this is a very sentimental time for the parents of Peyton’s friends. It is still difficult to read on Facebook their thoughts of sadness for their children’s past. I want to comment, “Thank God they are still here. Look forward to their futures!” I don’t of course. I said it was hard for me, I don’t mean it is wrong for them to feel this way. Like I said, I have a different perspective. I wish I didn’t.

9/11

Couldn't let the day pass without mentioning 9/11. I remember where I was when it all started happening. I remember being glued to the television watching the towers fall and then watching all the families that had lost their loved ones. I believe our whole country was crying along with them; I know I was. I also remember the pride I felt for this country. The United States is the greatest country in the world. It was founded on Godly principals and I am so thankful to live here.

Where were you when you heard the news about 9/11?

I’m an Oak of Righteousness

I'm showing my joy more today than I have in awhile.

Isaiah 61:2-3

² to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

No Tricks, Just Straight Blogging

Tom & I are still moving through the process of grieving. I think that is key, we are moving. We have not gotten stuck in despair. We are doing well. I sometimes hesitate to talk about where we are as far as our day to day living. I don’t want other grieving parents to compare themselves to us. Everyone is different. The majority of our first year was shock and dreading getting through the “firsts”. The second year (we are almost at 20 months) we have had more opportunities to realize what has been taken from us, the future we will not experience. This also means more opportunities to consciously turn our thoughts to the positive. We have asked ourselves, “How did we make it through any of this?” Our Daddy is BIG and He loves us. He never left us and we never left Him.

⁸ The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deut 31:8

I remember early on in this journey I wanted to feel better, but I didn’t want to think of moving on without Peyton. I knew we would. I’ve seen other people do it. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. I don’t really comprehend it now. I look at his pictures sometimes and the fact that he is gone takes my breath away.

I have had days when I wanted to move out of our house and start over, a clean slate without daily reminders. We aren’t going to move, we like it here and it wouldn’t make it any easier.

We are still giving Peyton’s things away. Tom makes knives and he had made Peyton one that he carried when he hunted. We gave that to a good friend of Peyton’s on Sunday. They were touched and we were glad. It is good to give his things away to people that love him. It is almost selfish on our part. We hope that these things bring up conversations about Peyton through the years.

I am on the verge of boxing up the rest of his things and re-decorating his room (I didn’t even like typing those words). I want to make a memory quilt out of some of his clothes. I want to incorporate some of his Wranglers in it, maybe just the pockets, I’m not sure. A friend of Peyton’s wears the same jeans and his were getting too small. We traded. He now has Peyton’s and we will have his to use for the quilt. I like this.

His closet still smells like him.

2 Challenges

 

View Full Album

I am playing with experimenting with Live Writer again (can’t help it, I love the strikeout feature)  I just added this photo album, by CLICKING AND DRAGGING INTO A PHOTO ALBUM on Live Writer.  Can’t wait to see what it looks like on my blog.  I can add a map (from Live Writer), but I can’t think of good reason to.  I guess I don’t need a reason.  Here it is.

I can’t imagine why you would need a map, but it is good to know I can add one if I want.

#1 Challenge – Try Live Writer

People are reading this blog.  When I started writing, I did it to organize my thoughts and help me focus on how big my God is and record our grief process.  It has become more to me.  I want to reach people.  I want others to read this and know how big God is and how much He loves us.  I never even considered how much the comments would mean to me or that I would get any comments.  The blog world has been a wonderful place to me.  I love the encouragement I receive and hope I can be an encourager too.

#2 Challenge – Leave a comment.  You can do it.  I used to be just like you – a lurker (typed with utmost affection).  I read several blogs and never commented.  It is like anything else, once you’ve done it a few times it becomes easier and easier.  I promise.  Hope to hear from you!

p. s. I just previewed my blog from Live Writer.  I’m not sure about the “view full album” button below the pics I posted.  I'll be checking it out more. 

Blogging Made Easy aka Blind Leading the Blind

I am playing with experimenting with a new program (new to me anyway) called Windows Live Writer.  I am using Live Writer even as I speak  type.  I’ve read other blogs and I really wanted to know how to do the “strikeout”.   I know, it’s the small things in life that thrill me.  Oh yeah, it’s FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Okay, I just inserted that picture EXACTLY WHERE I WANTED IT.  No more adding multiple pictures then having to drag them down to fit the post.  Anyway, I always had trouble with that.  I tried using Word 2007, but I couldn’t get it to add a picture.  As I am looking at the sidebar to this program, it looks like it is going to be easier to add video and lots of other stuff too. 

This is my second post using this and I think I am really going to like it. My post looks on here pretty much like it is going to look like on my blog.  Using blogger, I would have trouble getting an empty line between paragraphs.  I am going work with this some more and will let you know of any other cool stuff I find.  Thanks to my blogger friend Kay, who told about this on her blog, who found it on a blogger friend of hers.  I LOVE THESE BLOG CONNECTIONS!!!!!!

New Cell Phones and the World of Texting

We did it. Saturday, Tom & I had Peyton’s cell phone turned off. It wasn’t too hard. Every step we take feels hard, but we have never regretted taking them.

The first store we went to, I went straight up to the desk and told them we needed a phone line disconnected. They couldn’t help me, they weren’t a “corporate store”. So we drove to Fort Smith to get it taken care of. I could have done it over the phone, or probably over the internet, but I was thinking about getting an iPhone. Only “corporate stores” sell iPhones. After all our dealings were done, I ended up with a Samsung Propel and Tom got a new phone too. His is some kind of “military” grade, supposedly waterproof and doesn’t get hurt if you drop it. aka “the Hummer” of cell phones. I decided against the iPhone because I am too cheap, fiscally responsible and didn’t want to pay the extra internet charges. (did you like that strikeout, I’m going to do a post about some new blogging techniques tomorrow, I’m very excited and am going to give all the credit to Kay in tomorrow’s post)

We both got texting, which we’ve never had before and I also subscribed to an internet plan. Now I can update my Facebook from anywhere and who knows? I may start tweeting on Twitter. Unfortunately neither my texting nor my internet is working so I will be back at the cell phone store tomorrow, can’t wait.

I have been thinking about Peyton’s phone for a long time and building up courage to turn it off. I have also felt guilty about getting texting because we did not allow him to have it. I no longer feel guilty, but I did have to work through those feelings before I could get the job done. Our good friend Jake, recorded Peyton’s voicemail message for me and emailed it to me (from his awesome iPhone) and I have it on my computer and burned onto a CD. I may not listen to it, but I have it if I want to.

Thank you for listening to my cell phone blather. I appreciate you all very much. I was going to post pics of our phones, but decided that was going too far. :)

P.S. Tom did send a text message to everyone on his list, by accident. Mildly embarrassing for him, but a great laugh for me. I can only hope for more texting antics, aka. blog fodder. I love that man.

His Hair - Kind of a Peyton Story

I know, I know, a whole post about Peyton’s hair?!?! What can I say, it was special hair.

As an infant: - In the video that was taken at the hospital as they were cleaning him up, all you hear people talking about was the red hair. Everyone “accusing/questioning” where it came from. Actually both Tom’s & my grandparents had red headed brothers and/or sisters, but no one in the immediate family had red hair. I have to say, when Peyton was little and I would watch the video of that day, I listened to it with the sound muted. This is my best friend Melissa, holding him in the hospital. She would be in the hospital 3 days later giving birth to her daughter.

As a toddler - little old ladies LOVED his hair. He got so much attention when we went out in public.

As a small boy – here is a picture of a haircut he gave himself, kind of a reverse mohawk. I was not happy when I came home from shopping and found tufts of red hair in the floor, scissors in my son’s hand and TOM ASLEEP ON THE COUCH.

As a 3^nd-6^th grader - Even though I loved Peyton’s hair, the color of it was not a battle I chose to fight. I let him bleach it on several occasions. Usually after it had grown long enough to pull through the highlight cap, we would do the highlights then it would have to be cut. The finished product made him look like a spotted fawn. I also have pictures of him with blue hair, but this was just a gel, nothing permanent. Peyton puzzled me. He would not put himself in a box when it came to hairstyles or his clothes. He was a very good athlete and I was happy with the “jock” look. He liked different. Sometimes he would wear a big dogchain necklace and spike his hair, don’t worry he didn’t look too dangerous and this phase didn’t last long. The last year of middle school, we started shopping at American Eagle. I just learned the other day that when he started wearing these clothes, he told the girls, “this is my new look.” I know I said this was about hair, but it all goes together don’t ya think?

The "highlighting" process. He made me laugh!!

Here is the necklace and a mild case of spiked hair, nothing compared to the whole top of his hair twisted and sticking straight up. Sorry, no picture of that style

As a 7^th-9^th grader – He liked to wear it long. Well not long, but almost in his eyes and down his neck. Then he would cut it short, just whatever his mood was. He wanted to bleach his whole head, not pull it through the cap. I told him it would burn, but he wanted it anyway. It did burn, he said he would never do that again.

10^th grade – Cowboys have short hair. I remember an instance during Christmas break 2007. His hair was in need of a cut. Peyton had just gotten out of the shower and his hair was still damp. He was standing in front of the wood burning stove and leaned over to me and said. “Mom feel how soft my hair is.” I reached up and ran my fingers through the top of his hair and said “yes it is.” I am so glad I did. I can still feel it, slipping through my fingers like silk, (red silk).

I miss this boy so much.

Thank you for the opportunity to share my son with you. Even though I sometimes cry while writing these posts, I love telling about him.

Gadget

I want one of these. It is a "Kindle". I am sure it will revolutionize my life in ways I can't even imagine. Okay maybe not, but I still want one. The newest version holds ………………3,500 books!! It is larger than the one pictured above and more expensive. I've read about both versions and I think I might like this smaller version better. It holds over 1,500 books and you can have newspaper & magazine subscriptions delivered right to the device. It works using cell phone technology, no internet connection required (no monthly fees). There are over 300,000 books that are available AND it will READ TO YOU, if the book rights holder makes this feature available. This is sounding like a commercial, not what I intended. I am not a techno savvy gadget guru, but I wanted to share this with you. Is there a techno gadget that you are wanting?