Saturday, September 12, 2009


The first home football game of the season was last night. I saw the football program for the first time. Our page turned out great. A few other people included Peyton on their pages too. They have no idea what that means to us. They dug through their pictures and found some of Peyton and their kids from when they were younger. There were a few in their teenage years too. The football program reminded me again that this is their Senior year. We are all living our lives without him.

The wanting is overwhelming.

I want Peyton to be here. Sometimes after school events, I wonder if I live in denial. When we are with the other kids, it seems he is there too. Other times the hole is very obvious to me.

I look at pictures with a new perspective. Pictures of Peyton when he is younger do not bring me sadness. That little boy has been gone a long time. They used to make me a sad, thinking about the little boy who was now all grown up. It is the teenage pictures that tear at my heart, the recent ones that hint at the man he was becoming. I know this is a very sentimental time for the parents of Peyton’s friends. It is still difficult to read on Facebook their thoughts of sadness for their children’s past. I want to comment, “Thank God they are still here. Look forward to their futures!” I don’t of course. I said it was hard for me, I don’t mean it is wrong for them to feel this way. Like I said, I have a different perspective. I wish I didn’t.


Kelley said...

That's a very good point! I am glad the football program turned out nice. I had the strangest dream about Blake last night. He was trying to sell me furniture. He didn't look the same, but I knew it was him. Then I woke up. It is the first time since he died that I dreamed about him at all. I have been wanting to talk to him so badly. I understand about what you were saying about perspective. Many times I have said, "It is, what it is." Regardless if I liked it or not.

seeking him... said...

Thank you Becky for sharing this... it helps those of us who aren't living in the presence of absence to see with a new perspective.

Empty Nest Full Life said...

Becky, keep clinging to the Lord. He knows all your hurts, and sees from your perspective too. I cannot even begin to understand all that you are going through as you remember precious times with your son, but you are in my prayers. We need to count every day as precious with those we love. New perspecitves are good and thanks for sharing with us. Jackie

MarshaMarshaMarsha said...

How precious for them to publicly remember Peyton!

Christian's baby pictures bring me no tears as well. But ones from his toddler years? Yup, lots of crying (and smiling too). I have been wondering why that was so.

Your words said it precisely-- I had already said goodbye to those earliest years.