Thanksgiving the Second Time Around

This Thanksgiving has been better than last year.  This is our second one without Peyton.  I want to feel that it is a good thing.  My mind and intellect know it is; my heart is what is having the problem.  My mind knows I have to live life and be productive, focus on others and make a difference for Christ and that I will see Peyton again.  My heart asks me HOW CAN I EAT TURKEY, MAKE DESSERTS AND DECORATE FOR CHRISTMAS, when I will not see my son again on this earth!!! 

People are talking about him less and less, which means I am talking about him less and less too.  I hate the ordinariness and normalness of our lives.  I know we can’t live in constant turmoil about our loss, but the hurt lets you know that you haven’t forgotten.  Again, I know in my head I will NEVER NEVER forget him and others won’t either, but it is hard when I realize we are all going on with our normal day to day lives.

This is another adjustment I have to make.  Am I going to accept the passage of time and healing with grace and victory?  Or am I going to draw back and wallow in the grief, because it makes me feel loyal to my son? 

I know what to do.  I know what choice to make. 

I promise a more joyous and festive post for tomorrow.

Christmas is Coming

I know.  It’s a little early but……… I’m posting it anyway.

One of my favorite things to watch at Christmas.  (Enjoy PK)

Last year at this time, I wanted to post this video and couldn’t figure out how to do it.  I’ve definitely improved.

My mom bought me this Charlie Brown tree this year to add to my decorations.  Too cute.  It even has a Linus blanket around it.

Mad Skillz

I have blogged about my husband several times.  I’ve shown several sides of him. 

Saddle skillz

Pig roast pit digging skillz,

Bible superhero skillz,

Handy man skillz

(Yes, I like the Z; it’s how we roll.)

Now I am going to show you his mad skillz.  Tom is a machinist by trade and can weld like nobody’s business.  Metal is a medium he is very comfortable with.  So here they are, his mad skillz.

He has been making knives since he was in high school, many moons ago.  He had the sheath made by somebody Peyton had met through rodeo.  This particular one happens to be a gift for……..Mr. Peanut.  Get it?

Over the years, Tom has supplemented our income by making and selling these handcrafted, shiny, deer slicing, pieces of art.  Several years I bought every Christmas present we gave with “knife money”.  God is good and He’s anointed my husband to make knives.  Our financial condition has improved significantly over the years, but Tom still enjoys making knives.  Several of the boys have them and we gave Peyton’s to a good friend of his.  It is so good to give Peyton’s things to people we know will use them and respect them and think of Peyton every time.

After the “Verseman” post the other day, I had to write something more macho about my husband.  He is a good sport and I love every skilled side of him.  He is a complete person, nothing missing, nothing broken, an anointed man of God.

Thank you Lord for my husband.

Verseman!!

I'm having a difficult time today and needed to smile. I thought I would post something humorous. I hope Tom thinks it is humorous too!

I know I've mentioned this before, but it bears repeating. My husband is awesome and he has always been awesome. The picture below proves it. It was taken several years ago when he was helping out with a Kid's Crusade at our church. He was "Verseman". He would come out and teach the kids the memory verse for that night. He is wearing a black full body unitard with smiley face boxers over it, a cape, and a huge V on his chest. In case you don't recognize the little red haired boy; it's Peyton.

Peyton's Plan - Peyton Story #5

A couple of weeks ago I was cleaning out my closet and ran across this. It must have been done somewhere around 3rd grade. It is a plan to "ambush" some girls on the playground. (Click on the picture to enlarge it). I wanted to cry this morning thinking about this picture and the fact that I have nothing current to share, only the past. But I won't cry (too much), I will smile and remember Peyton and his devious grin and his quick mind. I love you Peyton Jackson.

A New Battle

I haven’t written about missing Peyton as often as I used to.  I still miss him all the time.  The hard times are fewer and further between, but I have my moments.  I don’t write about it as much because there is nothing new to say about it.

In the beginning, I told myself over and over and over that Peyton was in Heaven and I would not see him again on this earth.  I felt if I told myself enough times, it would seem real.  The fact would soak into my brain and I would get used to it.  I live with it every day and there are still times it is unbelievable.

There is no longer a voice screaming in my head that I want him back.  There is a voice, but it isn’t screaming.  The weight that was on my chest isn’t there anymore.  I don’t know if it lifted all at once or if it got lighter and lighter until it wasn’t there. 

For so long my main focus was getting through each hour, each day, each week without losing my mind.  The battle has changed.  I keep wondering and thinking about what would Peyton  be doing if he were here.  How would things be different? 

This is not where my focus should be.  It is not living, wondering what if or if only.  It sneaks up on you at first.  I see Peyton’s friends living their lives and I think, What would Peyton be doing/saying etc.

When I catch myself doing this, I turn it around.  Instead of thinking about what he ISN’T doing on this earth, I think, “What IS PEYTON DOING IN HEAVEN?  What assignments has God given him?  I believe Heaven to be a very productive place.  Who has he met?  What was the reunion like between Peyton and his grandpa?  They had been separated for 13 years.  They are very close.  (did you notice I said are very close?)  I never imagined that Peyton would see him before we did.

I am looking forward to the future and seeing my boy again, but until then I will remember Peyton with joy.  I confessed and believed that for so long.  I had forgotten it until just now.  His memories do bring me joy, I want the thought of the present to bring me joy too.  I’ve slacked off writing “lists” so here goes.

My present is

filled with people who love me.

important and productive.

filled with opportunities to bless others.

a time for growth and strengthening myself.

victorious.

glorious.

bringing me closer to my future.

 

Weekend Recap

We had a very full weekend around the Jackson house. 

Friday – took off work at noon, YAY!!  Came home and made a humongous pot of potato soup.  10 pounds of potatoes went into that soup.

Tom went to the football game, big rivalry……which we lost by 4 points.  Burke the quarterback, a.k.a. QuarterBurke; who I’ve talked about in this post hurt his knee and didn’t get to play in the second half.  Praying for total recovery.  He goes to the Dr. Monday.

We had a houseful over after the game, which we always love.  The whole pot of potato soup was eaten, along with some BBQ meatballs, jalapeno popper dip, and apples with caramel cream cheese dip.

Got to bed about 1:30 a.m.

 

Saturday – Went to town to buy a birthday present for a little guy we love so much.  Turning 2 years old soon.  You can find his dad’s blog here.

I saw “The Christmas Carol – 3-D” Saturday afternoon.  It is very true to the original Dickens’ story.  Starts out a little slow and I thought a little scary for small kids.  The picture is incredibly beautiful.  When they are flying over the town, you feel like you are flying too.  The snowflakes look as though they may be landing in your lap.  I’m a fan of 3-D.  Makes you wonder what kind of technology comes next, maybe “smellavision”?

While I was at the movie, Tom had about 5 guys over sighting in their guns at the shooting range he built on the backside of our property.  Next weekend is the start of modern gun deer season.  He was showing them how to sight them in without shooting a whole box of shells.  One of the older guys said, “If you come over here (our house) you can learn something!”  I know that meant something to Tom or he wouldn’t have told me about it.  Tom is full of good stuff and it makes me happy he has people to impart it to.  Peyton was like a sponge and took in everything.  Tom misses teaching him things.  It is more blessed to give than receive.  When your child is in Heaven, a big avenue of giving is gone with them.  We have to find other ways to give and other people to give to.  Lord send them to us, guide us to them.

Saturday evening went to the little guys birthday party.  We had some good food and great fellowship.  However, my husband needs to learn not to play ball in the house.

Sunday – Church.  I don’t think I can adequately convey the message yet.  It was about grace and I struggle with that.  I am convinced it will saturate my heart and I will walk in great revelation.  I need it. 

Grace to take my place and run my race!!!

Project Graduation meeting Sunday afternoon, visit with my brother and his wife on Sunday night.

All in all, a full and blessed weekend!

I'm Networked with Facebook

When I post on my blog, I want it to show up on my Facebook wall. I thought I was going to have to change to a new blog format to do this. But behold.........all things are now connected. Thanks to Tammy. If you are interested it is called NetworkedBlogs.com. It did take me a few tries before it would ask take me to the screen to add my blog, but it finally did.

You can be a follower of my blog through Facebook, I haven't explored it much yet, but I think it will make it even easier to leave a comment.

I'm excited!!!!

The “I’s” DO NOT Have It!

I’ve been battling myself for several days.

I’m not enough of this.

I’m too much of that.

I’m not doing enough.

I’m doing too much.

I’m never good enough.

When I sat down to post tonight, I truly didn’t know what I was going to say.  My mind was full of negative thoughts about myself.  Then I started typing.  All those sentences start with “I”.  Proof once again, it’s all about focus.  The victory comes when I forget about myself and let God work through me. 

There are times when I need to examine myself and make adjustments.  But letting my mind go wild with thoughts of inadequacy is not productive and does not bring glory to my Lord.  I do not need to focus on myself, because God is focused on me.  I can’t beat that.

Father God, I come to you in the name of Jesus.  Forgive me Lord for focusing too much on myself.  I am Your vessel and I am full of Your Glory.  I am Your hands and Your feet.  I will draw on You and Your unlimited supply of love.  I will not clog up the flow of blessing that comes from You, through me, to others.  I love you Lord and I am Yours.

This song came to me after praying, so I thought I’d post it too.