Tuesday, August 10, 2010

“Never mind God, I got this.”

This is an excerpt from an email I sent to a wonderful friend of mine.  I sent it after coming out of suffering 3 weeks of misery.

The past few weeks I have given in too much to it (grief).  I know I am grieving/will continue to grieve, but it had taken over most of my thought life.  I know I will miss Peyton & grieve for him until I see him again, but living the way I've been living is not right.  I am functioning and productive but feel like I am broken inside.

In the beginning I came against the grief with prayer etc. from a survival instinct.  But now after 30 months, I let it sneak back in slowly and was learning to live with it on a daily basis.  This is not where I want to be and have to stop it now.

The last part about it sneaking in and living with it, that is the battle now.  The tears and the turmoil don’t come as often and when it did come…….I thought I could handle it.  “Never mind God, I got this.”  Foolishness.

I can’t believe I did this.  (I don’t know why I’m always surprised at my humanity)  I was no longer desperate for God’s help!!! 

Another excerpt from the same email

I'm going back; back to the way I was when this horrible thing happened.  I am going to have the mind set that this grief is trying to drive me crazy but I won't let it. It still is trying to drive me crazy, it is just slower and sneakier than it was in the beginning.

I am here to say I am back in that place, a place of desperation,  desperate for my Father and His life giving Word.  Desperate for Him, not only in the bad times but the good times and everything kind of time in between. 

What I am trying to say is, I let myself get comfortable with where I was in the grieving process and my relationship with God.  This is not acceptable.  Pressing in and growing, that is what I am called to.  He loves me too much for me to remain in the same place.

Thanks for reading and you know I love comments :)


seeking him... said...

I am praying for you!
After reading your words I was reminded of these words by Thomas Merton...
"This, then, is our desert: to live facing despair, but not to consent. To trample it down under hope in the Cross. To wage war against despair unceasingly. That war is our wilderness. If we wage it courageously, we will find Christ at our side."
Keep pressing on into Christ!

Mona said...

Becky, such a great message! So much truth in all that you said. We have ALL said the very same thing to God on, unfortunately, more than one occasion. Well, maybe not TO Him, but certainly in our thinking we have. The enemy dupes us into thinking our thoughts aren't that big of a deal, (the we can handle it part)and then before we know it, we find ourselves on a dark slippery slope. Thank God for His love and tender care and the nudges from the Greater One on the inside of us that empowers us to shake ourselves and come back desperately to our Father's side! Love you Beck.

Kay said...

I could have written this (although not nearly as well) because every time I think I can handle a rough season and tell God 'I can handle this one', I get blindsided. Realizing I can do nothing (including handle grief properly) apart from Him is the only place to be. And yet, like you,there are times I have to relearn the lesson. Hugs! : )

Dar said...

Got a Q for you, Beck, and believe me, I would really have to know where someone was coming from to ask this. Do I have to continue to miss AND grieve? I thought I read somewhere that grief was a 'spirit'. So, here is the actual question: can't my heart be whole as in Shalom - nothing missing, nothing broken and miss my loved ones beyond all reason of my natural mind AND in that name of Jesus kick the spirit of grief out? Thanks so much for continuing to share - 'such as you have you give us'!

Kelley said...


You are a sweetheart! You have a true gift for words. I don't believe that I am still grieving for Blake, yet I miss him. Grief is a process. I won't ever get over losing him, but I have learned to live around it I guess. I am so glad to call Jesus my friend. He truly understands our hurts.

MarshaMarshaMarsha said...

No insight, just hugs and prayers your way.

Kick that grief to the curb! Take it out with the trash!

"We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;

Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed."

II Corinthians 4:8,9