I have been deleting some files from my work computer and ran across a document. It is a journal I was writing before I started blogging. I wish I would have written everything down from the beginning, but I didn't. These passages are four months into my life without Peyton, two months before I started blogging. It hurts to read it, but I see how far I've come. Thank you Lord.
Thursday, May 15th 2008
I am at work and I miss Peyton so much. Suzanne is talking about Megan and all I can think is I don't have any new things to talk about Peyton. My heart is broken, but yet I have to function. On the outside it seems nothing is wrong, unless you count the red eyes from crying a few minutes ago. I can't believe I am even writing this. I don't want this to be my life. I want my son back. I want my life back. We were so blessed and happy. I tell myself we will be again and I really believe it. It just takes so much work, talking to myself, saying positive things constantly. It is exhausting. Tonight is the Support Group meeting, I hope it is better than last time. I feel Tom and I are called to something, I just don't know what. Peyton was not an ordinary person and neither are we. God has something big. We will answer the call and glorify God. Without Him and knowing where my son is I would go crazy. I love Peyton
Friday, May 16, 2008
Tom & I went to the bereaved parents support group last night. Very sad stories, 14 yr old boy committed suicide, Jan 31st 2008, 24 yr old mother of 2 died of stroke/annurism? just a month ago, her mom was really angry. Tom and I know we are abundantly blessed and to see and hear these people confirms it. We miss our son so much and I know we always will. Today is a good day.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
I cried all the way to work today. Last night was not good either. I MISS MY SON!!!!!!
I thought how unacceptable this all is. Then I realize I have to accept the unacceptable. How do we do that??? I just remember him laughing and joking and it hurts my heart so much and I miss him. I love you Peyton Douglas Jackson. I will make it through this day. I know in Whom I believe. Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world. I will glorify God today. I thank you Lord that you are with me always. This is a horrible rollercoaster that I am on, but I have to believe it will even out. It is better, but the lows can be pretty low. I love you Lord.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
I wish someone could change it. I miss Peyton. Almost every day I read his MySpace. People are still leaving comments. That means a lot. I have discovered another teenager killed in a rodeo accident. His name is Stuart Mazanec. I have read his story, looked at his MySpace, he seems so like Peyton. I wonder why Andy Peevy called Peyton "Stuart"? Miss you Peyton. My heart hurts so much. The hole is so big. Love you Love you I have to go I am crying now.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Today is better. I don't understand why, I just take it. I can think of Peyton and not cry. I still miss him as much as I did yesterday. It doesn't seem possible that he is really gone. I miss you Peyton. You were such a blessing to your Dad and me and to so many others. I know you know about the kids that have been saved, because Heaven rejoices when a spirit is snatched from satan. I think about you being with your PawPaw sometimes; I am ready to see you both. Love you
Friday, May 23, 2008
Happy Birthday to me? Everyone has made a big deal over my birthday. I am happy, but missing Peyton. I am afraid to think about him too much because I will break down. I don't even want to write today.
Friday night – Went to Shoguns with Annette, kids, Burk & Nathan, had a really good time. Sat next to a couple and I was a little afraid they would ask about kids, but then I thought they probably think Burke belongs to us. I also thought how Peyton would have LOVED the knives the chef had and would have probably tried some of the moves at home. Miss that boy so much. Love you Peyton
Monday, May 26, 2008
I can't believe we have to live without Peyton. How can something that makes me feel so miserable seem so unreal. Went to the movies with Carman, Michael & Jason, just like we all used to do. I missed Peyton so much, I had to cry in the bathroom at the movie. Evening time was terrible too. I WANT MY SON BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not fun to read, but oh how good it feels to see how far I've come. I know I am getting stronger all the time.
Father God, I pour out thanksgiving to you. You are the Lifter of my head, my Rock, my Fortress, my Deliverer, in You will I trust.
5 comments:
You have come a long way! Your words are so painful to read without crying. I hear the heart break in your voice. I was feeling that despair with my family and you sent such kind words to me. I will never forget that.
You have come a long way!
It is just hard in the beginning. I can't imagine sudden loss. We had time to get used to it a little bit before it happened to us. But it does take a while to get where you want to be with grief. I had some downright unpleasant days with strange thoughts and red eyes and the whole sha-bang. But God! He is the only thing that can keep us during this! Just keep seeking!
You are a testimony of God's unfailing love and faithfulness . . . . .
You are growing and that means you are a part of something alive and very real. I thank God for the truth you have embraced and the truth you share so selflessly with others. Your greatest days are ahead!
Thanks for taking time out to come comment on my kitchen. You are amazing, and reading over past posts God has brought you far. I cannot even begin to imagine your grief, but I do know God knows every tear you have shed, and if I were in your place it would be too many for me to remember. My heart breaks for you, but pray you will continue to cling to the one who will always be there. Sending love and prayers today. Jackie
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