Sunday, July 5, 2009

Bottle Rockets & Boxers

This is our 2nd 4th of July without Peyton. This one was easier than last year. Actually, it was a lot easier. We have celebrated the 4th with the same group of people for approximately 10 years. Usually it is an all day affair with swimming, eating, paddle boat on the pond, eating, zip line over the pond, eating and more eating and a fireworks display that would put anyone else's to shame. This year we held it at our house. We have no pond, but we did eat. It poured down rain, but we did manage a few fireworks. We ALMOST finished off the homemade ice cream. That is a good thing, I don't like it leftover. It just isn't the same.

So how was it so much easier than last year if nothing worked out? Last year we were at the usual place and his absence was huge. The year before that we were all standing outside when Peyton rode by on the 4 wheeler in nothing but his boxers. I think I have mentioned his fondness of mooning people. He wanted to ride by naked, but he loved his mom and didn't.

Peyton was also a fire bug. He liked bottle rockets year round. His last 4th of July I took him and his cousin to the fireworks stand. Peyton bought a CASE of bottle rockets, not a gross, a CASE. I found the leftovers in his drawers. We let some of the kids shoot them awhile back.

The diligence to focus on the here and now and the discipline to remember what we do have is how this year was easier than last year. Over and over you tell yourself how blessed you are and how you will see Peyton again. That is our Hope and our Victory.

Letting go of the grief is a battle. There are times you miss them so much; the grief is the thing that makes you feel close to them. There are no new good times only memories. But if you choose, you can pick at the grief and make it fresh and very present. Even though I am crying while writing right now, it is more like a purging of sadness, not that I am trying to feel close to him. A deception of grief is it wants you to think the longer you grieve, the stronger your love for the person. I assure you, that is a lie from the pit of hell. No one loves their child more than Tom and I love ours. We choose to live in the present and keep grief under our feet. It is just like anything else you are trying to overcome in your life. First you have to WANT to let go, then you arm yourself with the Word and you confess and you believe and you thank God for the victory. Tom & I are 18 months into this battle and have become strong. If you are reading this and are not where we are; do not beat yourself up over it. It is a personal journey, but there are Godly principles that can help you overcome.

We missed you Peyton Douglas Jackson.


Mona said...

Again, really great post Becky! I hope your blog gets read by many many people who are needing hope and freedom!

Peyton in his boxers on the four wheeler? I really don't have trouble picturing that! He's a hoot!

Kay said...

Amen! Excellent post, friend!

ps said...

I am so grateful that you and Tom not only know the Word of God but are working it on a daily basis. Your lives are reflecting that joy for living and it is a testimony of God's faithfulness and power to bring us through the storms of life that hit. It is an amazing blessing that you are allowing us to join you through your posts. I love you Tom and Becky!

dar said...

Almost every time Pastor Kevin preaches he does this slow deliberate walk in front of the podium that illustrates to us just to keep taking one step after the other to 'walk it out'! You and Tom are a great example of that walk of VICTORY!!! Keep on keepin' on friends!