Sunday, August 30, 2009

I've never started a post without having at least an idea about what I am going to say, but here I am. These last few days have not been great. My focus is not where I think it should be. I've even had trouble sleeping and I don't usually have any trouble in that dept.
Last night I dreamed I was talking to my best friend and I was telling her how much I missed Peyton. I started crying and I woke myself up crying. Thought about getting up and blogging, but I didn't know if that would make it harder to go back to sleep. Now that I think about it, I should have prayed. Guess I missed it. A few nights ago, I dreamed about Peyton too. He was young and I was helping him get ready to take a bath. As I was running the water, I was thinking how much I wanted to be with him. I had an ache inside me; I missed him so much. I decided in the dream, I was going to take the next day off work and spend it with him. Then I woke up.
I have so many wonderful things in my life, Godly husband, loving church family, friends, good job, everything a person could want. It is hard to strike a balance between remembering Peyton and dwelling on what I do not have. I want to think about him and all the good times. I have to be able to do this and keep on living in the present and looking forward to the future.
My best friend, the one in my dream last night, her daughter and Peyton were born 3 days apart. She shot lots of video of them when they were together. This is a short clip of him riding her daughter's spring horse singing an appropriate song. I couldn't have done what it says, but sometimes I wished I would have. He was so stinkin' smart. He was only 2 yrs old in this video.


Kelley said...

What a great video! You can tell he had a passion for horses and the outdoors at a tender age. As I watch your video, you can see his happiness. Grief is difficult. Sometimes we rock a long and things are fine. Sometimes not so much. I am so glad that you can dream about Peyton. I haven't dreamed about Blake. I wish I could. It would be a real comfort. Like he was meeting me to talk. I know that sounds silly. I hope you are able to rest tonight. I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling. My parents do and it is horrible sometimes.

dar said...

What a cutie pie! And you are such a dear, Bloggin' Becky!

Mona said...

Yes, cutie pie is the word! Hang in there, Beck!

Kay said...

What a fun, cute, silly boy! I had one of those too. I'm sorry you're hurting. But you are right, next time, stop and pray. Pray, pray, pray. That is the only thing that puts things in perspective.