Sunday, August 16, 2009

The Ugliness of Grief

Today was ugly. I lashed out and had harsh words for my husband. We couldn't decide what to do for lunch after church. We ended up at the local Mexican restaurant and some people we know offered to share their table. Tom got a phone call and said something I didn't agree with. I told the people we were sitting with, we had to go. On the way home, I thought Tom was driving too fast, he didn't. We got home, Tom slammed the back door as he went outside to walk around the yard. I sat and cried.
It was several minutes before Tom came back in the house. He apologized, I apologized. I told him it wasn't him at all, he did nothing wrong. Today, I was tired of tagging along with other peoples' families. I wanted my own. I don't know where the feeling of resentment came from, it showed up very unexpectedly. I was perfectly happy when we left church and then there it was and I let it out all over my husband.
I have cried harder and deeper today than I have in months. My eyes are swollen and I keep taking those breaths you take after you've been crying alot. I have spent most of the day trying to figure out what caused this meltdown. School is starting Wednesday, is that the cause? Several other ideas have come to mind, but I still don't know. I finally realized, after wasting pretty much a whole Sunday, it doesn't matter was causes the grief to rise to the surface. It only matters what I do with it when it arrives.
I love and respect my husband more than I can say. He feels the same about me and lets me know all the time. I am blessed to have him. He hurts just as I do and with God's love and mercy working in our lives, today will not be repeated.


Kelley said...

I know you are hurting... I don't know where grief comes from either. You can be going along okay and then something happens and it hits. I am so sorry that today was the day for that.

Mona said...

The victorious side of your day is that you recognized the truth in the midst of all the "feelings" - the storm that arose out of no where- and courageously made adjustments by an act of your will - quick apologies and walls of separation brought down. That is the outworking of the Greater One on the inside of you!

Kay said...

I'm sorry you're hurting. But it's ok. It takes time to sift through everything. But I'm glad you have the wonderful love for/of your husband as you both walk through this dark time. Praying for you!

Dar said...

Great points, Mona! Be comforted/thankful for a cruddy afternoon and not a week or month or longer! And I say that in such love and tenderness for you and even for myself for a season in my life of a year long bad attitude! THAT was no fun! But, glory to God,just when the devil thinks he has us right where he wants us we regroup, turn around and we are back on track with God!! Hurray for you!!!