Thursday, October 22, 2009

A Little Lower than Fine

The title refers to this post. Except Wednesday, the day before Peyton’s birthday, I wasn’t even fine. I was distracted, grouchy and sad. I left work early, went home and totally talked myself out of going to church that night.

In the beginning of my grief journey, I was horribly sad and didn’t want to do anything. Even so I knew this was not a good state of mind and I would fight against it. I would list my blessings, praise the Lord, serve others, etc. to conquer the feelings of despair. I knew satan had stolen my son from me, but I decided early on he would not steal another thing. He could not steal my hope, my joy, my knowing that God loved me. It sounds contradictory, but the worse I felt, the harder I fought. (Most of the time)

Wednesday was not like that. The word that comes to mind is insidious. The grief trying to lull me into thinking, “I’ll be ok, it’s just a bad day, things will be better tomorrow”. lies. lies. lies. I took a hold of myself. I’m not settling for being better tomorrow. Things don’t get better on their own. I have to change them. I don’t mean change them in my own strength, but by the Blood of the Lamb and the Word of my testimony. I have complete victory. and I will walk in it.

By the way, church was great!

I read over this post several times. I do not mean to make it sound like this has been easy. It is not easy. It is a battle, some days a constant battle. I miss Peyton all the time, even with tears. God gave me emotions and I express them, positive and negative. I am here to say, grief is not my friend and I will not cuddle up with it.

6 comments:

ps said...

If everyone in the body of Christ had your 'fight' we would have gotten the job done by now. You inspire me!

Kelley said...

That is a great way to put it. Grief isn't my friend either when I think of Blake. When I found out that I was pregnant, I wanted to tell him so badly. Then I got mad. I understand about the emotional roller coaster.

Evan said...

I love how real you are Becky! You are truly more than a conqueror! :)

Kay said...

I'm so sorry you had such a 'hard' kind of day. Very often 'those days' seem to set me/us up to fail to see God's provision and way of escape during the harder days. But it's still there... I'm glad you're determined to see it! : )

dar said...

Boy, oh, boy, I agree with Pastor Susan! Have you thought of coming to Bible School? It keeps me so victory minded and spiritually charged, hungry for the Word and amazingly undergirded! Like having your own personal trainer to keep you pumping and pursuing! Really goes a long way in keeping those mountains made low and valleys filled in and flowing in the river of God's presence!!! I love you, Beck!

Karen said...

Thanks for visiting my blog. Our boys share a similar hair color, a similar love of baseball, and now a home in heaven. I am so glad those baseball families are sticking by you.
God bless you.
Karen