Homework Poem

The following is a poem a couple of Peyton's friends wrote as a homework assignment. I don't know if they realize how much it means to us that Peyton is still a part of their lives. We love these kids. When I asked permission if I could put this on my blog, she said, "Yes, we did it to celebrate Peyton." So here it is. It made me cry, but it also makes me feel good.

Hair red as fire
Smile bright as the sun
A natural born cowboy
His spirit, a rebellious one
Always the class clown
Making everyone laugh
Although always picking fun
The best friend you could have

So incredibly clever and athletic
School and sports a breeze
He would have gone so far
With the slightest of ease
Then tragedy struck
Ending it all

Fearless was his only flaw
"Spur Some Fur" changed us all
Bulls were his passion
His dreams set so high
But it all changed so quickly
No time for goodbyes

Two years have flown by
Yet it feels like only yesterday
We still miss his laughter
And that big grin on his face
The memories he left
Will be forever etched on our hearts
The impact he made
Will never depart

Never will we forget him
And how he made us all laugh
Up in Heaven now
The best angel they could have

By Casey Jo & Sarah

Ear Lobes

There are times when I am thinking about a post for this blog I wonder and I worry if it is too much. That you will think I am playing up your sympathy. Like this post. It is not my intention. There are times I am compelled to write certain things. Today, I am writing about being at the hospital with Peyton, actually with Peyton's earthly house, because "Peyton" was not there. Here goes.

Last night I was with a friend and we were talking about some of Peyton's things. His chaps had some blood on them. She turned to me and asked, "was he bad?" I knew what she meant, "did he look bad, were his injuries visible?" I said no, there was a tube in him and it dripped some blood, but to look at him you would think there was nothing wrong.

Tom & I walked into the room where he was. We stood over him and it was so obvious that Peyton was not there. That is a good thing. We stayed for a few minutes. I touched his hands. I love Peyton's hands. They showed how much he was living. I kissed his forehead and then I rubbed his earlobe between my thumb and index finger. The earlobe thing is something I did to both Peyton & Tom. I still do it to Tom. He's going to love that I am telling that. I don't remember when I started doing it, but as Peyton grew up, that became the only soft part on him. You know boys are rough and tumble with callouses and scars everywhere. Maybe his earlobe reminded me of his baby days, when he was soft and cuddley. Usually he would let me, sometimes he would give me the "oh mom!" I miss it.

Bottle Rockets & Boxers

This is our 2nd 4th of July without Peyton. This one was easier than last year. Actually, it was a lot easier. We have celebrated the 4th with the same group of people for approximately 10 years. Usually it is an all day affair with swimming, eating, paddle boat on the pond, eating, zip line over the pond, eating and more eating and a fireworks display that would put anyone else's to shame. This year we held it at our house. We have no pond, but we did eat. It poured down rain, but we did manage a few fireworks. We ALMOST finished off the homemade ice cream. That is a good thing, I don't like it leftover. It just isn't the same.

So how was it so much easier than last year if nothing worked out? Last year we were at the usual place and his absence was huge. The year before that we were all standing outside when Peyton rode by on the 4 wheeler in nothing but his boxers. I think I have mentioned his fondness of mooning people. He wanted to ride by naked, but he loved his mom and didn't.

Peyton was also a fire bug. He liked bottle rockets year round. His last 4th of July I took him and his cousin to the fireworks stand. Peyton bought a CASE of bottle rockets, not a gross, a CASE. I found the leftovers in his drawers. We let some of the kids shoot them awhile back.

The diligence to focus on the here and now and the discipline to remember what we do have is how this year was easier than last year. Over and over you tell yourself how blessed you are and how you will see Peyton again. That is our Hope and our Victory.

Letting go of the grief is a battle. There are times you miss them so much; the grief is the thing that makes you feel close to them. There are no new good times only memories. But if you choose, you can pick at the grief and make it fresh and very present. Even though I am crying while writing right now, it is more like a purging of sadness, not that I am trying to feel close to him. A deception of grief is it wants you to think the longer you grieve, the stronger your love for the person. I assure you, that is a lie from the pit of hell. No one loves their child more than Tom and I love ours. We choose to live in the present and keep grief under our feet. It is just like anything else you are trying to overcome in your life. First you have to WANT to let go, then you arm yourself with the Word and you confess and you believe and you thank God for the victory. Tom & I are 18 months into this battle and have become strong. If you are reading this and are not where we are; do not beat yourself up over it. It is a personal journey, but there are Godly principles that can help you overcome.

We missed you Peyton Douglas Jackson.

Influence

I feel like a normal person today. I have been reading some things Peyton's friends had written to him on Facebook. All of them say what a positive impact he had on their lives. I am amazed. I know Peyton wasn't perfect and he got into some orneriness sometimes, but still he was a person who stood up for what he believed and respected people. He was crazy fun!!

I remember at a Bible study group one time everyone was asked what person influenced our lives the most and how they influenced it. Everyone gave their answers and a comment was made that these people who have impacted us so much, don't even realize it. It makes me so conscious of my influence on others, is it positive or negative? Hopefully the positive outweighs the negative.

Peyton's friend has been moved out of ICU into a regular hospital room, going to see him tomorrow.

Thank you Lord for your active grace and mercy. I don't know why I keep using the expression "active grace", it just seems appropriate. God's grace is alive and active in my life.