Spent most of the day decorating for Christmas. It was hard sometimes. I have some dough ornaments Peyton made when he was about 7. I had written his name and date on the back of them. Last year I bought a Santa riding a bull ornament. I wanted to show Peyton we were supporting him in every way. I put it in a prominent place on the tree this year too. There are some Command hooks around the windows in Peyton's room. I came home from work one day last year and he had put Christmas lights on the inside of his windows. I thought how funny he was to do this. It didn't matter to him that some people would think it out of character for a "cowboy " to put up Christmas lights in his room. But that was just Peyton. He did what he enjoyed and really did live his life to the fullest. I miss him...I respect him...We enjoyed him so much. When I picture him in my mind, he is always smiling and laughing. I know he is still smiling and laughing and will be when I see him again.
A very full and satisfying Thanksgiving. Plenty of family and good food. Some friends stopped by later in the evening. I know they were checking on us, but I'll take it. I love company and having people over for dinner, etc. Sometimes I think about a gathering too much because I want to invite everyone. I am changing that. Life is good. Thank you Lord!
The past few days have not been good. I have felt so sad, but I am better now. Yes, I tell myself, Peyton is still gone but I KNOW I will see him again FOREVER! He is in a place where I cannot go right now. As a mom that is a hard thing to take, I want to know what my son is doing, who he is doing it with, etc. God made moms that way. I love Peyton and I miss him and I am thankful. I have not been forsaken, God is caring for me every day. Each time I run to Him, whether it be in tears or praise, He is there. Thank you Lord!
I am thankful for:
My husband
My church family
Salvation
Aaron is coming home for Christmas
Comments on my blog
Blogs that lift me up
Funny stuff (I need to laugh)
Of course I cannot list everything, but making a list gets me thinking on the positive, on the great and wonderful things in my life. I started a list the other day on things to look forward to, I have to say it was not an impressive list. I am going to work on that. My future is bright and as I move the dark out of the way, through prayer and praise to my Lord, I will see it. Amen.
Having a houseful of family over for Thanksgiving and then going to the movie and then back home to eat leftovers. The only bad thing is your too full to eat popcorn at the show, even though it smells so good! Is referring to the movie as "the show" a southern thing. I remember as a kid I lived in Illinois and we always called it the movie, but when I would come to visit Arkansas everyone called it "the show", funny.
Have a Happy, Joyous, Blessing Filled Thanksgiving!!!
It is taking lots of energy these days to stay on track. This journey is filled with so many conflicting emotions. I want to be better, but then I think, "How can I be better when Peyton is still gone?" Then I have to talk myself into victory...again. Very tiring.I am a rip the band-aid off get the pain over with and go on kinda girl and this does not work that way. You deal with the hurt and sadness each time it creeps up, going good for awhile and then here it comes again. The hurt & and sadness do not come as often, but they are just as deep. My God is the same each and every time. Today I left work early, not much to do. I didn't want to go home, my house was empty, Tom would not be home for a couple of hours. I made a couple of stops in town and then decided to suck it up and go home. Check the email...I have comments on my blog!!! I read them and they are encouraging. Thank you so much, I needed them. God uses us all to bless one another. I am truly blessed.
I just posted on Jake's blog...my name was Peyton's mom....I changed it to Beckypdj. I'm still his mom, but I am more, especially now.
Created a FaceBook profile and have gotten in touch with some people I don't get to talk to on a regular basis. Looking forward to keeping in touch.
This past weekend Tom told me in great detail of his hunting exploits. I listened and then I listened some more. I knew what was going on. He was telling me some more on Sunday night, then he said, "I don't have anyone to tell this to." I said, I know. He and Peyton were inseparable this time of year. I hate it for him. I love this man so much, and it hurts to see him hurting. He did harvest a deer.We have great friends and they DO listen, but it is not the same as having someone there all the time, teaching them what they need to know and watching them grow. We do have great kids around us and God uses them to bless us. I know God has great things in store for Tom & I. God is giving us things as we become ready. We are listening...waiting........expecting. I love you Lord, thank you for the blessings.
Going out with some girls tonight. Out to eat, maybe a movie. Tom is camping. It was hard for him to decide to go, but he did. I know he will have a good time. It is hard sometimes to think about making memories without Peyton, especially when it is something he loved so much. Having a good day and plan on having one tomorrow. Staying focused on the present is so important. Started making Thanksgiving plans, I will be fine (repeating this over and over in my head).
If you are reading this blog, please post comments. I would appreciate your input.
Thanks
Today is the 10 month anniversary. I am doing fairly well...yesterday, not so much. Focus, focus, focus. I don't understand how something that can make me so miserable, still seems so unbelievable. Tom misses Peyton. I miss Peyton. Peyton's friends miss Peyton. Everyone misses Peyton. They let us know in so many ways, and this means so much. I have never experienced the openness about grieving as I have in this situation. No one seems to be afraid of expressing their sadness or their happy memories. WE NEED THIS SO MUCH!! I cannot imagine going through this without our friends. They are invaluable to us and we love them. I have been hugged more in the last 10 months than in my whole life. I love it and I need it.
Thanksgiving is right around the corner. The family will be gathering together and there will be a hole. I am not looking forward to it, but I will find many, many things for which to be thankful. God is good, all the time.
Yesterday I realized I had gone a few hours without thinking of Peyton. This is shocking, unacceptable, horrifying and at the same time makes me glad. Of course you can berate yourself.......am I forgetting him already?!!! Of course not. I thought about this for awhile and I believe God showed me that focusing on all the good things, all the blessings and the love people have shown us is pushing out the grief. Slowly but surely the majority of the time I think of my son, it will be with a smile. This is such a process, a work in progress, but there is progress. There has to be progress, we all have things to do here on earth and must live our lives to the fullest.
Andrew shot a deer on Saturday. When I saw the deer I immediately felt (not thought) that the deer had walked out of the woods right in front of Peyton in Heaven and Peyton knew Andrew had shot that deer. Can this be possible? I don't believe people in Heaven can see us on earth, but surely they know things. I won't know until I get there.
