Another "List" Day

I am grateful for:
My husband
My church family
A great place to work
My home
Kayli
Colorado friends
The "firsts" are almost over.
Tom & I were good parents
We have no regrets.
Peyton was a blessing to us. (He drove me crazy, he kept me on my toes at all times)
The Peyton Jackson Memorial Scholarship
The Peyton Jackson Memorial Baseball Tournament
God has a plan, He has not left us
I will hear His plan for me
It is a glorious plan
Greater is He who is in me, than he who is in the world
We will not be defeated
I know my enemy and I know he is a liar
People are praying for us
I can pray for others

It took longer than usual to come up with a list. I was feeling alone but I know God is with me.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deut 31:6

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deut 31:8

Life Today

Decorations are down and packed away. Today doesn't feel any better than the last few. The weather probably has something to do with it. When I was packing everything up, I ran across more of Peyton's stuff. It is hard to focus on the present and the future, when all the symbols of the past are staring you in the face. There are times when I want to be able to go somewhere and feel him. But there is no place like that. Those are the times when the memories hurt so much. I feel like my insides will explode from the wanting.

My life is blessed, and these holiday things will get easier. I will remember Peyton with joy. He brought so much joy to us. We have no regrets about the way we raised him. We have complete peace about where he is and we will see him again. We are able to see him again because of what God did for us. He sent us a Saviour. His only Son. Thank you Lord

New Experience

Christmas Eve with the family was really good. We had a fun game and everyone was competitive, very funny. It was super hard after everyone left. I was so tired and the emotion overwhelmed me. It is still so hard to comprehend that he is gone. I can usually talk myself into the present, but that night was hard. Tom & I made it though. Christmas day we were at Tom's mom's house for dinner. It was a lot quieter that day, but not nearly as emotional as I thought it would be. Her house was the last place we (Tom's side of the family) were all together with Peyton. Peyton's name was brought up a couple of times and even though it brought a few tears, it feels good to talk about him.


In a couple of weeks will be the one year anniversary. I think I am looking forward to getting all the "firsts" out of the way, but I really don't know. People have been so patient and good to us this year. I have read so much stuff about other people in our situation and the callous ways they have been treated, I can't imagine. We are so loved and people show it all the time, thank you.




Now for the title of this post, New Experience. Tom & I and the Peanuts went to sight in the .22 rifles that Adam & Andy got for Christmas. It was fun, but it was cold!!! I shot a .22 pistol; that was the first time I'd ever shot a gun. Tom & I have talked about me taking up target practice, who knows? I did like it and it would be something we could do together. Of course I would need a gun of my own, preferably something shiny.



Hope you all had a very Merry Christmas!!!

Confession

This is something I have taped on my wall at work. We always believe what we say more than what others say, there are days I say it several times.

I know in Whom I believe.
Tom & I are children of the Most High God. (I love that phrase, Most High God)
We hear His voice.

The Creator lives inside of us; we will not be defeated.
Greater is He who is in us than he who is in the world.

We are more than conquerors.
Thank you Lord for your love and mercy. We will praise You in all things.
We will come out triumphant and You will get the glory.

We are victorious in ALL things, emotionally, physically, spiritual and financially.

Growin' in the Techno

For most of you this may be basic....but I just created a slideshow and had to try it out. Hope you don't mind being guinea pigs (not the Peruvian edible kind)

Got to get on iTunes and download some Chrismas music to go with..that's another day.

Christmas Decorations

Last night I figured out how to put pictures in my posts. I know, I know....I'm slow. So I thought I would try it out and post some pics of our Christmas decorations

The first is our tree in the living room. Adam suggested the cowboy hat.

This is the buffet in our kitchen with close-up pics underneath

Tree in the kitchen.

Peanuts Christmas. Love that Christmas special! Linus has it goin' on!

Back in August I said that this blog is for me, and it is. My posts are to help me stay focused on the good things and not what I do not have. I am saying this because in my mind sometimes I get afraid you all (5 or 6) will stop reading because of the subject matter. I haven't censored myself so far and want to continue to be real with what I write, incIuding the down times too. I want to write what I need to write but I also rely on your comments. You are a blessing to me and I thank you.

Having said all that, here's some of my reality. I am grouchy right now and I do not care! I feel nothing is right and I am having a hard time seeing anything good. I want Peyton here! If you haven't guessed, I am crying. So here goes, "the list" The list I make when I don't feel like it, the list that forces me to see the good and look to the future.

THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR:

My husband

My church family and fellow bloggers.

All shopping & wrapping are DONE

People will like what I got them for Christmas

Tom & I are healthy and are getting healthier

Our boys (Adam & Burke)

The Peanuts (you know who you are) okay...... I'm laughing at that one

Family over for Christmas

Jesus

God's love for me

Church tomorrow

Fire in the woodburning stove

Okay, I get the idea. Our future is what we make it. What will I meditate on? What will I speak? With God all things are possible, our future can be incredible, amazing, awesome, unbelievably blessed if we make the right choices, subdue our flesh and walk in the spirit. My emotions are God-given, but can take me so easily into the flesh. This is a battle I will not lose.

Please do not report me for bi-polar disorder. I really did just run through those emotions as I wrote this, but really...I'm okay, this is "normal".

Questions

I just posted on Jess & Trent's blog. Maybe I shouldn't have said so much, but I do have questions. Tom & I were taught all our Christian lives to confess God's word over our lives and situations. We did. Of course, we missed it sometimes and maybe took the long way around but usually ended up where we were supposed to be.

It was easy to have faith when our faith had never been tested. In the past, our main struggle was with money, but we could always tell ourselves...seed time and harvest, it just wasn't harvest time yet, so we kept sowing. But when Peyton died, that was different. How could this happen? This was big and important. Where was God? Why didn't He answer our prayers? I never blamed God, I just don't understand. I am missing something.

Since this happened, it has been hard to pray and believe God. Why will my faith work on something that doesn't mean as much as my son's life meant to me? Even though it is hard, I will do it. I will not base my faith on my experience, but I will base it on the Word of God. He loves me and is committed to me.


If we don't quit, we win.

11 Months

It has been 11 months today since I have seen my son. Time is a contradictory thing in this situation. On one hand it seems like forever since I have talked to Peyton, on the other, I remember his funeral like it was yesterday. I know this sounds odd, but Peyton's funeral rocked. I smile when I think of the kids that spoke. I am joyful when I think of the songs that Rodney and the Praise Team sang, it couldn't have been better.

I tell myself several times a day that I will see Peyton again and I believe it. It feels like it could be soon. Could it be soon, or is it that my mind just can't comprehend going on for 40 more years without him? I don't know. That is why we have to "Do business" until He comes. (Luke 19:13)

I will be about His business, seizing the opportunities that come across my path, showing God's love, and glorifying my Lord and Savior.

Now I am going to seize some wrapping paper and finish wrapping some Christmas presents.

Another thought........... Heaven is even better than Christmas

Funniest Christmas Joke Ever!!

PK may want to use this one!!!

A man's wife has an artificial leg. Shortly before Christmas, he buys her a new prosthetic and hides it in the closet. Unfortunately, she finds it and confronts him with the artificial limb.

"This wouldn't by any chance be my Christmas present would it?" she asks.

"No, of course not." responds her husband. "It's just a stocking stuffer."

I can barely type, I'm laughing so much :)

Lost Dog, Found Dog

Goldie, our lab went missing Saturday night. Being a country dog, we figured she'd be back by morning. She wasn't. Sunday Tom and Dusty (our rat terrier) went driving around looking for her. No luck. Monday, Tom & Dusty put out some signs with our phone #s etc. While they were out Tom got out of the truck to talk to some guy, guess what Dusty did....he pushed the power lock and locked Tom out of the truck!!!! How funny is that! The guy drove Tom home to get his extra keys so he could get into the truck. Good news; I was driving home today and saw Goldie sniffing around in a ditch. I slowed down and said "Goldie, let's go home." She looked very happy to see me and followed me home. (Don't worry all you dog lovers...it wasn't that far, maybe a qtr mile.) First thing she did was jump into the pond. She is fine. Tom was really really really really really (to infinity) glad to see her.

Oh yeah, on Sunday when Tom took Dusty with him to look for Goldie, Dusty fell out of the truck window. I told Tom that's why Dusty locked him out of the truck...revenge.

This is not a typical post for me, but I thought PS would really enjoy it, since it does have a happy ending. : )

Enjoying other Blogs

I really appreciate the time people take posting on their blogs. I got on the computer tonight feeling really sad....missing Peyton so much, even crying quite a bit. I just wanted to talk to him and hug him. So, I wiped my tears and decided to check some blogs I frequent. I found Jake had posted 3 TIMES since the last time I checked. Copied, pasted and answered his survey. Commented on a few things. Read a NEW blogger's blog. Got my mind back in the present, focused on blessings and here I am, dry eyed and smiling :) Thanks guys!

Christmas Survey

King of the Blogs (aka Jake) challenged me to post this list with my faves. Here it is Jake and thanks. I can't believe it took me until tonight (Sunday) to read yours!!

1. Do you have a real or artificial tree? 3 artificials, but I love the real ones
2. Do you like eggnog? A little goes a long way
3. Favorite Holiday memory? Suprising Peyton with a gun
4. Favorite Christmas movie of all time? It's a Wonderful Life!!!!
5. What do you have for dinner at Christmas? Ham, turkey, dressing, all the traditional stuff
6. Favorite Christmas song? O Come All Ye Faithful (I love the O Come Let Us Adore Him part)
7. Favorite Christmas treat? Toffee (homemade, of course)
8. Do you put up lights on the outside of your house? Tom puts them up and does a fantastic job!

Copy and paste this to your blog; with your own answers of course.

Committed

Last night Pastor Susan taught on making good decisions. Her message was anointed, as always. The thing that stood out to me most (at the moment) was that God was committed to me. He is committed to blessing me, committed to loving me. He sent His only Son so I could live with Them in eternity. I can have confidence when I pray that He is committed to giving me the guidance I need to make a Godly decision. I am not out here alone, wondering what to do. I just need to get with God and listen. His ear is inclined to me. My ear is inclined to His Spirit and His leading.