Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Weeks After

Peyton’s service was on a Thursday.  We went back to work the following Wednesday.  I didn’t think I was ready, but Tom wanted to go back to work.  I knew I wasn’t going to stay home by myself, so I went back to work too.  For a few months, I would get up and get ready for work without going into the rest of the house.  We have a master bath connected to our room, so everything I needed was right there.  I couldn’t stand it that Peyton wasn’t in his room asleep. 

When he was still here, I would call him from work everyday at 7:30 to say good morning, have a great day and love you.  Every day at 3:30 I would talk to him again and ask about his day.  For months, those two times a day were very hard.  My subconscious mind knew what time it was and that I should be talking to Peyton.  That’s just how it is.  In the beginning, certain hours bring an extra dose of sorrow.  As time goes on, it is certain days or seasons that bring the sadness closer to the surface.  I am expecting those times to subside too.  There were times that I wanted to ask other parents who had lost children about the progress they had made or what I should expect in the future.  I never did.  I didn’t want the answers.  Everyone is different and my progress is between me, my husband and my Heavenly Father.  I don’t mind sharing my feelings, as a matter of fact, it is a relief to share.  What I mean is I was not going to compare my journey to anyone else’s.

We have a chair and a half in our living room.  This was “my” chair and Tom sat in the recliner.  After Peyton was gone, I changed seats and started sitting on the couch.  You see, if I sat on the couch I could hold Tom’s hand.  I didn’t want to be any further away than that.  I’m still sitting on the couch.

I’ve written before about what great co-workers I have.  I received countless, random hugs and encouraging emails for over a year.  I have taken the day off when the anniversary has rolled around.  This year one of the bosses came to my office to let me know it was okay to take a few days off.  It means everything that they remember.  I’ve got a cheerful post about my office coming up.  We have fun at work too!

In the months following Peyton’s death, people were extremely good to us.  Friends sought us out and took us to dinner.  We have been remembered on Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and our birthdays. 

Trips to Wal-mart were agony.  So many times I would think, “Peyton likes that” and then realize it didn’t matter and then I would cry.   There were times I would go to Wal-mart and I would pray, “Lord, let me see someone in Wal-mart that loves me.”  He never failed me.  So if you talked to me in Wal-mart during that time, you were an answer to prayer.  God is good.  Now I can pray, “Lord let me see someone in here to love on.”  I hope I am paying attention.

The next installment will be about Bibles.  Curious?

Thanks for reading and all the comments.


Jake said...

I love this blog.. it's time stamped 10:42 last night, which usually reflects the time you started to write it.

You were up laaaate I presume?

Beckypdj said...

No Jake, I wasn't up late writing. I actually had several posts written ahead of time and I've been publishing them one at a time. :) I don't know if this will ever happen again, I was on a roll and wanted to write as it came and I definitely didn't want one ginormous post. It is easier to read in small doses. Thanks for the comments!!!

Mona said...

I'm reading them and enjoying them Becky. You're a good communicator!

seeking him... said...

Thank you so much for sharing your heart... letting us have a glimpse of your inner thoughts & feelings after Peyton's death. I see how in your looking back it is helping you to look ahead.

Jessica said...

This is amazing to me. I can't even begin to imagine the feelings and emotion you had/have. It's cool to see that you are not living under it, but you are overcoming! God will use/and is using your story to inspire so many people! What the devil intends for evil, God intends for good and you are a such an example of that! Thanks for sharing! Your blog is one of my fav's! :)

Kay said...

I had a hard time right after because nap time would roll around and he wasn't there to sleep. He also liked apple juice a lot and every time I would go to the grocery store, I would remember that I didn't need to buy juice. There are so many little things like that and they can really pierce the heart.. especially in the beginning. Looking forward to hearing about Bibles! :)

Kelley said...

I love your heart! Thanks for sharing. I know it helps to "talk" about things.

MarshaMarshaMarsha said...

So glad God sent the right person to you at the right time! Especially at WM. Crazy how that store has bits of our lives in it somehow.

I remember noticing the clock turn to 6:09pm every day. That is when we first called 911. Then I marked every Tuesday... It was a relief when I graduated to marking only the 26th of every month.

You were wise to not compare your journey to someone else's. But I am SO thankful that you are willing to share your heart and journey with me. It encourages me to see that I am not alone in trusting God when my whole world is changed forever.