Sunday, June 28, 2009

Life Goes On

Peyton has been in Heaven almost 18 months, aka 1 1/2 yrs. The time is stretching out, no longer measured in mere months, but years. It is hard to believe it has been this long, but then again it isn't hard to believe at all. Peyton's friends have all had at least one birthday since he's been gone. Some of them have had two. I miss him so much.

In the beginning there were times I felt like I was going to shatter into a million pieces. I don't know what I thought was going to cause the breaking apart, I just knew it could happen at any moment and the pieces would be swept up and I would be finished. It never happened. I have cried in many public places, church, Wal-Mart, Chik-fil-a, the mall, the auto shop, work, friends homes, school, etc., but I left each one of those places in one piece.

Do you have any children?
I have avoided that question.
I have answered that question with tears in my eyes.
I have answered that question with a smile on my face.

The answer is, "Yes I have a son, he lives in Heaven". That is the Truth and I cannot worry about people's reaction to the answer. The first time I was able to give that answer, the lady then told me she also had a child in Heaven. I have seen this person off and on for about 4 years and I never knew. Now I do. Right after Peyton's accident, a man Tom works with told him he had lost his son too. It had been about 15 years ago. Tom has worked with this person for almost that whole time. Tom never knew. This man never speaks about his son. He had tears in his eyes and agony in his heart when he told Tom of his loss saying, "But he was my son". How he can keep that hurt locked inside, I do not understand.

Father God, use me. I thank you Lord that what satan has meant for evil, You can turn for good.

Life is going on without him; I am going on without him. I don't like it, but I have no choice. I have lots of "normal" days. I don't even like that word anymore, "normal". What is normal? Everything is relative.

People are not as cautious when they are around us. That is good. In the beginning we were shown so much love, compassion and tenderness. We needed it to help us start healing. Now we are 18 month old survivors. We can walk on our own but we still love our friends company and fellowship. We are safe with them and can talk about Peyton if we need to or just remember something funny he said or did. Thank you.

Some of our friends just received their first grandchild. I am happy for them and I am jealous. Grief wants me to focus on what I do not have. God wants me to focus on Him and on what He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all I can even think or imagine. I choose to do things God's way.
I am amazed at the healing that has taken place in my heart. The ordinariness (is this a word?) of most of my days shocks me. I still miss Peyton; I still cry because I miss Peyton. In spite of this, I am a productive person. I am expecting extraordinary things from God. His plans for me are big!


Mona said...

Really great post Becky! While praying over my church family, I often thank him for the Glory that is coming to each house this year (just as the Word of the Lord said through Kenneth Copeland - that the Glory is here in 2009 - that things we thought would never happen are going to happen so easily and so smoothly and it will only increase and increase and that at the end of 0f 2009 we won't even recognize ourselves . . .my paraphrase).

I remember saying one time in prayer when yours and Tom's names specifically came up, Oh, Lord, what does the Glory look like for Tom and Becky??? I know it's amazing. I know it's beyond anything we can comprehend. . . The Glory is to be heavy with everything Good. I really can't even imagine, BUT I do believe it! Heaven on earth!

Rayoma said...

We were so glad you guys got to come over Sat. night and see Ragen. Anytime we have her you are more than welcome to come over and love on her. I know it is sometimes hard, but just hang in there and keep leaning on God. We love you guys!

Kelley said...

Hi! I am so glad that you found me. I work next door to Melanie. She is in the 5th grade complex and I am in the middle (6th and 7th) grade complex. It is a small world. Thanks so much for you kind words.

Kelley said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I cannot begin to imagine what you have gone through. I am crying as I write this. My parents would totally understand your pain. This has been the most horrible year that I could imagine. Losing my brother was absolutely awful. My dad has been in very poor health also. He is finally doing better. It seemed our faith was really being tested, but we have come through everything stronger.

Anonymous said...

Hi Becky

I came across to you from Jody Ferlaak's blog.

I just want you to know that I have spent the last hour reading your posts and getting to know Peyton.

What a boy! What a mum! You are celebrating him in a wonderful way.

Love from Jane (Melbourne, Australia)