2009 Football Program

Drum roll please ................................. Here it is, our page for the football program. I wanted this year's to focus on all the kids that have been such a blessing to us these last 18 months. Jose' did a great job. I am sure I will get very sentimental in the year to come. Peyton's class is graduating this year. I've known most of these kids since kindergarten. We have spent many hours together and I love them like my own.

How Far I’ve Come

I have been deleting some files from my work computer and ran across a document. It is a journal I was writing before I started blogging. I wish I would have written everything down from the beginning, but I didn't. These passages are four months into my life without Peyton, two months before I started blogging. It hurts to read it, but I see how far I've come. Thank you Lord.

Thursday, May 15^th 2008

I am at work and I miss Peyton so much. Suzanne is talking about Megan and all I can think is I don't have any new things to talk about Peyton. My heart is broken, but yet I have to function. On the outside it seems nothing is wrong, unless you count the red eyes from crying a few minutes ago. I can't believe I am even writing this. I don't want this to be my life. I want my son back. I want my life back. We were so blessed and happy. I tell myself we will be again and I really believe it. It just takes so much work, talking to myself, saying positive things constantly. It is exhausting. Tonight is the Support Group meeting, I hope it is better than last time. I feel Tom and I are called to something, I just don't know what. Peyton was not an ordinary person and neither are we. God has something big. We will answer the call and glorify God. Without Him and knowing where my son is I would go crazy. I love Peyton

Friday, May 16, 2008

Tom & I went to the bereaved parents support group last night. Very sad stories, 14 yr old boy committed suicide, Jan 31^st 2008, 24 yr old mother of 2 died of stroke/annurism? just a month ago, her mom was really angry. Tom and I know we are abundantly blessed and to see and hear these people confirms it. We miss our son so much and I know we always will. Today is a good day.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I cried all the way to work today. Last night was not good either. I MISS MY SON!!!!!!

I thought how unacceptable this all is. Then I realize I have to accept the unacceptable. How do we do that??? I just remember him laughing and joking and it hurts my heart so much and I miss him. I love you Peyton Douglas Jackson. I will make it through this day. I know in Whom I believe. Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world. I will glorify God today. I thank you Lord that you are with me always. This is a horrible rollercoaster that I am on, but I have to believe it will even out. It is better, but the lows can be pretty low. I love you Lord.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I wish someone could change it. I miss Peyton. Almost every day I read his MySpace. People are still leaving comments. That means a lot. I have discovered another teenager killed in a rodeo accident. His name is Stuart Mazanec. I have read his story, looked at his MySpace, he seems so like Peyton. I wonder why Andy Peevy called Peyton "Stuart"? Miss you Peyton. My heart hurts so much. The hole is so big. Love you Love you I have to go I am crying now.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Today is better. I don't understand why, I just take it. I can think of Peyton and not cry. I still miss him as much as I did yesterday. It doesn't seem possible that he is really gone. I miss you Peyton. You were such a blessing to your Dad and me and to so many others. I know you know about the kids that have been saved, because Heaven rejoices when a spirit is snatched from satan. I think about you being with your PawPaw sometimes; I am ready to see you both. Love you

Friday, May 23, 2008

Happy Birthday to me? Everyone has made a big deal over my birthday. I am happy, but missing Peyton. I am afraid to think about him too much because I will break down. I don't even want to write today.

Friday night – Went to Shoguns with Annette, kids, Burk & Nathan, had a really good time. Sat next to a couple and I was a little afraid they would ask about kids, but then I thought they probably think Burke belongs to us. I also thought how Peyton would have LOVED the knives the chef had and would have probably tried some of the moves at home. Miss that boy so much. Love you Peyton

Monday, May 26, 2008

I can't believe we have to live without Peyton. How can something that makes me feel so miserable seem so unreal. Went to the movies with Carman, Michael & Jason, just like we all used to do. I missed Peyton so much, I had to cry in the bathroom at the movie. Evening time was terrible too. I WANT MY SON BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not fun to read, but oh how good it feels to see how far I've come. I know I am getting stronger all the time.

Father God, I pour out thanksgiving to you. You are the Lifter of my head, my Rock, my Fortress, my Deliverer, in You will I trust.

Sounds Spiritual……………….

Have you ever heard the analogy of a tree in drought. It is told when talking about going through tough times. How the tree when it is in desparate need of water, will grow its roots down deeper to reach the water it needs. This makes the tree stronger, sturdier, more resistant when drought comes again. Then it is preached that people are like the tree. When tough times come our spiritual roots grow and this makes us stronger. This analogy alludes to the misconception that God brings us trouble to make us stronger.

I have heard this story several times in my Christian life. I asked God, "Why does this sound so right, when I know it is wrong?, Explain to me Lord, why this is incorrect." This is what He told me.

"Everything the tree needed, to grow the longer roots was already in it."

The attacks of the enemy do not teach us anything we do not already know. It is our choice to reach in and use our faith to make it through whatever is going on. That is why it is so important to fortify ourselves with the Word in the good times. So everything we will need to overcome the bad times is already in us.

Memories.............. Pressed Between the Pages

of my mind...................can you hear Elvis singing? A blog friend of mine posted about going to an antique store and seeing things that reminded her of her childhood. So I thought I would steal her idea and ask you to share some favorite childhood memories.

I grew up in Illinois, in a small suburb of Peoria. I walked to school, up hill both ways in blinding snow. Okay not really, but I did walk to school and we did have alot of snow. Every summer my family would come to Arkanas to visit my grandparents. All four of them lived in the same town!! Loved it. My cousins would come in from California and we had a blast. I am not going to be descriptive I'm going to list the memories.

Drinking well water from the dipper in the bucket. (only when we visited great-grandma)
Snapping green beans
the stinky smell of canning cabbage or making pickles
the sound the pressure cooker would make while it was cooking
My aunt making us all (cousins) wash our feet before she would let us in her bed. (we'd swam all day for Pete's sake)
picking blackberries, and grapes (never were ripe when we were in Arkansas)
going to the "greasy spoon" as my grandpa liked to call the diner
Chinese checkers with my grandpa, if I won he would say I "horn swaggled" him. LOL
walking to the store for Mtn Dew, I only drank that when I was in Arkansas
going to the V.F.W. to play BINGO!
Icees at Starbirds, a grocery store on the main street of town.
looking through all the grocery store ads and then stopping at 3 different ones to get the sale prices, (no ad matching in those days)
grandma wore underwear on her head when she went to bed, to protect her hairdo. that is funny

Share some of your childhood memories. I'm looking forward to reading them!

My Mind is a Battlefield

This morning while driving to work in the rain, I started thinking about Peyton. When he was studying for his driving test, he would ask me questions from the book. One I remember in particular was about driving in the rain. In case you don't know, the most dangerous time is five minutes after it starts raining.

I don't know how my thought process brought me to him taking piano lessons. But it did. I think he took them between the ages of 7 & 9. He didn't have much musical talent, but he could memorize things easily so he was able to play his lessons well enough. I know everyone will be surprised by this…………..he didn't practice much. I wasn't one of those parents who asked their kid to perform for company. But sometimes, when we had people over he would stand up and say he was going to go practice the piano. The first couple of times he did this, he got me. I looked at him in disbelief and said okay. He would then proceed to the bedroom where the piano was and this beautiful music would start flowing out. The company would look at me amazed. He's so young, they would say. I would shake my head and holler at Peyton to "turn off that programmed music!" It was an electronic keyboard with keys weighted like a piano. He would then come out grinning from ear to ear.

I was remembering this story and practically laughing out loud, thinking I would blog about it and hoping it would come out on the screen as funny as it was at the time. Then the traffic slowed down. There was an accident up ahead. Arkansans seem to have trouble driving in any inclement weather, rain or snow. I was sitting there still thinking about the piano story, trying to formulate it into enjoyable reading when the ambulance went by, lights flashing. What a memory trigger. It took me right to the night of Peyton's accident. I remember so vividly following behind the ambulance on the way to the hospital. It made me feel sick to my stomach and tears were pricking at my eyes. I let a few leak out. How stupid does satan think I am! Does he really think I am going to go from laughing about my son, to crying just because an ambulance went by. I am not. I choose to dwell on the good things.

Phillipians 4:7-8

And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue and if there be any praise, think on these things.

My mind is a battlefield. I choose to arm myself with the Word (and whatsoever things are funny) and I will win.

Amen, thank you Lord.

Blog Birthday

As I have mentioned before, July 19th, 2009 marks the one year birthday of this blog. It has been fun and therapeutic. I can read over the entries I have posted and see that I am getting better. It had to happen.

I still have questions, some that I don't want answers to. Will I always think of Peyton a hundred times a day? How can I not, he's my baby boy (even though he was 16 when he left this earth). How can I, as God brings abundant blessings to fill my life. Like I said, I don't want the answer. I'm not ready for the answer.

Thank you for all the prayers, support and comments. When I get a new comment, I usually read through it very fast, I am very self-conscious even though there is no one else in the room with me, just your words. Later, I read them again and they sound totally new and different to me. You have blessed me.

Here's a mini-Peyton story. I hope it makes you smile, poor Tom. I had heard this story the day it happened, but as Tom and I were getting dog food last night, he was remembering it.

Tom & Peyton were in Wal-Mart getting dog food. We have a large yellow lab/retriever mix and another outside dog. We buy dog food (or kibble, as Tom likes to call it) in the 50 lbs bags. Peyton picks up a bag and lets it drop into the shopping cart. The bag bursts and dog food is showering the floor. Tom looks at the spilling dog food and then looks at Peyton. Peyton is nowhere to be found. He bailed on his dad, making Tom look responsible for the mess.

Thanks again for your support. I am ready to see what this next year brings. As you can see, I changed the layout of the blog. I don't know if I am going to keep it this way or not. I wanted to try something new.

We’re Invited

As I have mentioned, I have been having some difficult times. I miss Peyton so much. I know Tom & I are so much better than we were last year at this time. Looking through pictures for the football program started me thinking. This year is not going to be easy. The Senior year is full of sentimental stuff. I know Peyton is not missing out on anything, but we are. There is not going to be a Senior year to share with him. He does have lots of friends that will be sharing with us and I thank God for them.

We were asked today if we would help with Project Graduation. This is an event that makes sure the graduates are celebrating their graduation in a safe manner, no drinking etc. Parents raise money all year for the event and we are ready to help. There will be some tears during the planning and preparation, but we will be better off helping rather than standing on the sidelines.

Speaking of sidelines, a few weeks ago Tom was asked by the football coach to come along on the Senior float trip. Tom called Coach last night and accepted the invite. They will be floating down some water in Oklahoma; I'm not sure of the name of it. I think he is excited.

These last few days, satan wanted me to think people were forgetting Peyton. I told myself over and over this was not true, but sometimes it overwhelmed me. I thank God we are included in these activities. We are so blessed to live where we live, in a caring community surrounded by people who love us and love our son.

100th Post

This is my 100th post. So you'd think I'd come up with some great revelation or at least something interesting to blog about. Here goes.

I am:

surrounded by people who love me.
a child loved by God.
a mom who misses her son.
a good wife.
a faithful steward over what God has given me.
blessed beyond measure.
growing spiritually every day.
a good friend.
a success.
teachable.
a work in progress.

Oh that last one.......a work in progress, I seem to write that alot. God brings this to me all the time. He knows how hard I am on myself. How I want to get it all right, all the time. He created us for growth. I am to listen for His voice. He wants to prune me with His word so I can bear lots of fruit and bless others.

I will not listen to the voice that says I have failed when I have sad times. I'm still here, God still loves me and if I don't quit.........I win. Thank you Jesus. (Thank you Landon)

If you click on "Thank you Jesus" in that last sentence, you get two posts for the price of one. I'm sorry, ......I crack myself up.

Football Program

Every year the school publishes a football program. In it are pictures of the football teams, cheerleaders, band etc. Parents and businesses buy 1/4, 1/2 or full page ads and advertise their businesses or put pictures of their kids in it. I had planned on waiting until Peyton's Senior yr before I bought an ad. We bought a full page last year. If you click on it, you can see it better.

A friend of Peyton's put it together for me. I have been looking through pictures tonight trying to come up with what I want to do this year. I want it to be about Peyton's friends. They are all graduating this year. I have been having an emotional time here lately. Today marks 18 months since Peyton moved to Heaven. That, coupled with looking through pictures for the program was a hard combination. I have cried a lot tonight. I miss him and I want Peyton here. I don't feel like talking myself out of it.

I have been so spoiled in my life, blessing after blessing. I appreciated every one of them. I have never wanted something as bad as wanting to see Peyton and not gotten it.

I am going to bed now. I will get up tomorrow; face the grief down and put satan under my feet.

As Scarlett O'Hara says, "After all, tomorrow is another day."

okay, that's funny.

3-D

Tom and I went to see this movie yesterday.

We watched it in 3-D. Pretty cool actually. The movie was good enough, but the picture was awesome. The last 3-D movie I saw was Jaws 3-D, released in 1983....... nuff said. The glasses aren't those flimsy cardboard ones anymore, they are more like sunglasses, pretty heavy duty. The only thing was, I had to pay an extra dollar for the 3-D and I had to give the glasses back. What's up with that? Every movie they showed previews for was a 3-D movie also very cool stuff coming out. I am anxiously awaiting..............Toy Story 3, but I need to calm myself. It isn't being released until June 2010. Toy Story has been one of our favorite Disney flicks for a long time, there is a cowboy in it you know.

There were a couple of things in "Up" that made us think of Peyton. He had this thing when he saw a squirrel, he would yell "SQUIRREL" pretty much as loud as he could. Why......... because he was a teenage boy that loved to shock & surprise people. In the movie, anytime the dogs would sense a squirrel, everything stopped and they said "squirrel". Remember this is a Disney movie and dogs talk. It was good to have a reminder bring a smile. I have been having so much sadness here lately. Even so, I am winning.

I am not a movie critic, but I would recommend "Up". It has several serious parts in it and I really wasn't expecting that. There were some small children sitting in front of us and they had a little difficulty keeping focused on the show. I don't know if it was the movie or the kids.

Two posts in two days...............this may be a trend.

My Backyard

We live on 4 acres. My husband mows every bit of it. He like his yard looking nice. Every summer he looks forward to the yard changing "to a crispy golden brown". I don't know how he reconciles the yard looking "nice" and his idea of the perfect color of grass.

At the back side of our yard, we have a small wet weather creek. It is also spring fed, but it is a very small spring and right now the water is at a trickle. Hope you enjoy.

This is the memorial benches the kids brought us after Peyton's accident. There is a fire pit in the middle. Usually we add hay bales and/or pick-up trucks around it when we have a bonfire. I love those kids.

There is a pool of water at the end with a 4 foot waterfall

This is what it looks like underneath the waterfall. Sometimes the water will really pour over the edge. The boys always had fun playing in it. This is Michael & Jason with Peyton, the cousins we took to San Antonio. They really did grow up together.

Winter time!


My boy



Frozen!

These last few were taken just the other day. Not a lot of water, but still pretty. Many crawdads have been plucked out of this branch. When Peyton had company, which was often, this is where they headed. A time or two they even built a fire and cooked and ate them. Redneck lobster.

The latest addition is Tom's shooting range. Not much to look at, but it serves its purpose.

I hope you enjoyed the pictures. I have a couple of subjects rolling around inside me and plan to post about them soon. I have been having some challenging days. I miss that boy so much. I dreamed about him last night. Nothing special, but it felt good and "normal". When I woke up I thought, I could sleep all the time if it were always like that. Of course I won't and I can't. I am putting satan under my feet today. I am off work and plan on enjoying a three day weekend.

Bottle Rockets & Boxers

This is our 2nd 4th of July without Peyton. This one was easier than last year. Actually, it was a lot easier. We have celebrated the 4th with the same group of people for approximately 10 years. Usually it is an all day affair with swimming, eating, paddle boat on the pond, eating, zip line over the pond, eating and more eating and a fireworks display that would put anyone else's to shame. This year we held it at our house. We have no pond, but we did eat. It poured down rain, but we did manage a few fireworks. We ALMOST finished off the homemade ice cream. That is a good thing, I don't like it leftover. It just isn't the same.

So how was it so much easier than last year if nothing worked out? Last year we were at the usual place and his absence was huge. The year before that we were all standing outside when Peyton rode by on the 4 wheeler in nothing but his boxers. I think I have mentioned his fondness of mooning people. He wanted to ride by naked, but he loved his mom and didn't.

Peyton was also a fire bug. He liked bottle rockets year round. His last 4th of July I took him and his cousin to the fireworks stand. Peyton bought a CASE of bottle rockets, not a gross, a CASE. I found the leftovers in his drawers. We let some of the kids shoot them awhile back.

The diligence to focus on the here and now and the discipline to remember what we do have is how this year was easier than last year. Over and over you tell yourself how blessed you are and how you will see Peyton again. That is our Hope and our Victory.

Letting go of the grief is a battle. There are times you miss them so much; the grief is the thing that makes you feel close to them. There are no new good times only memories. But if you choose, you can pick at the grief and make it fresh and very present. Even though I am crying while writing right now, it is more like a purging of sadness, not that I am trying to feel close to him. A deception of grief is it wants you to think the longer you grieve, the stronger your love for the person. I assure you, that is a lie from the pit of hell. No one loves their child more than Tom and I love ours. We choose to live in the present and keep grief under our feet. It is just like anything else you are trying to overcome in your life. First you have to WANT to let go, then you arm yourself with the Word and you confess and you believe and you thank God for the victory. Tom & I are 18 months into this battle and have become strong. If you are reading this and are not where we are; do not beat yourself up over it. It is a personal journey, but there are Godly principles that can help you overcome.

We missed you Peyton Douglas Jackson.