I Am

a winner
More than a Conqueror
blessed
saved, healed, delivered
joyous
God's kid
a great mom
a great wife?
hungry for more of God

I am all these things and more!!

These past few days have been very different. I will try to explain. Sometimes my memories or thoughts of Peyton bring happiness! Then I wonder is this real or am I crazy? I still miss him and I am sad sometimes because he is not here. But lately the thoughts of him being in Heaven are more real than ever. How can I be sad? I'd say the thoughts are 50/50, half sad, half happy, much better percentages than a few months ago. Thank God!

The devil was really working on my mind today, trying to bring up all of the things Peyton missed on earth. What is he thinking....satan's been to heaven...he knows what it is like....Peyton isn't missing any good thing and I know it.

Changing the subject. My husband has been blog fodder a few times. I told him I would NOT tell his truck story...but make sure you ask him about it. LOL

The Future

There have been so many good (God) days lately. The memories seem.....gentler somehow. The sad ones haven't taken my breath away so much. This allows me to be able to think about the future. I can only imagine what is in store for Tom & I. I am listening for His voice.......anticipating Glorious things.

One thing Tom & I are believing for is ........grandchildren. Of course this cannot happen in the natural, but God is SUPERnatural. Makes me excited just thinking about it!

I am grateful for (in no particular order)

my job
my hilarious husband (I don't think he means to be hilarious, makes it even funnier)
hearing ears
my prayer language.....I can't go wrong.
close friendships getting even closer
blogging, Facebook, etc.

Love you guys.

Peyton's Room

The last several days have been really good. Our Colorado friends are coming in February; I am really looking forward to that. They are going to stay in Peyton's room. It doesn't bother us and they said it was fine with them. I am going to clean it some before they come. I took more pics of his room. I don't want to miss anything.

It smells like him........ we keep the door closed most of the time...... to keep the heat of the woodburning stove in the parts of the house we are using.

Looking around his room you can see Peyton was a person of many interests. Deer antlers and a bass on the wall, a rebel flag (given after the accident) two shadow boxes of baseball pins that were traded at UAAAS World Series, practice pad for drumming, baseball trophies, barebells, .22 bullets scattered in his drawers, bottle rockets in the drawers in his bed. I also found a chicken's foot.

His rodeo equipment is still on the bed. The EMTs cut his chaps off, Peyton would not have been happy. They are bright orange with turquoise accents and copper metalllic fringes. Peyton loved those chaps. The vest he wore is slashed open on the left side where the bull's hoof landed. Oh how I wish that vest had been enough to save him!

I am crying now, I wanted to state some facts so I will always remember. I am going to move forward with his room but I feel I need to document as much about this experience as I can.

I miss my son.

1963

Tom was born in '63. He has a collection of coins that were made in that year. I don't know why, I guess it is cool to have things as old as you are? He has a 1963 Chevy pick-up he is working on. He traded motors and put it back to a three speed. Burke, Adam & Brock were over yesterday and he took them all for a ride. He said "it would move". I don't ask specifics. It has drum brakes, you have to pump them a little. I think brakes should work immediately...at least when I am driving.

I need to get a pic to post of Tom's truck.

Forward

When I got up this morning, I took pictures of Peyton's room. I know I have to change it sometime. I for sure wanted to wait until after the anniversary, I felt the kids would expect it to be the same. I'm still not going to rush into it. I don't think I will regret it when it is done, I just can't imagine doing it, but I will. It is hard to think of his stuff "put away" somewhere. We have given some significant things away and will probably give away more, but the everyday stuff, I don't know.

I am expecting "extraordinary Glory" this morning at church.

Dealing

Had dinner with some friends tonight. I hadn't seen some of them since the funeral (they live out of state). Peyton and their son were really good friends. Sitting at the table with everyone was fun, but then the memories & thoughts of our boys together came flooding in. Brad stayed at our house and Peyton at theirs. They shot things, blew up things, you know boy stuff. The memories started and then the thoughts of Brad's future and the fact that Peyton was gone came rushing in. That really snuck up on me; I wasn't expecting that at all. I didn't fall apart, but I was a little grouchy to my husband on the drive home.

Peyton's future has already started, he is ahead of all of us. I miss him. I reconcile all this in my mind and go on.

We did go the the movie with the Peanuts after dinner and had a good time. God is good all the time.

Challenge

A couple of weeks ago, our good friend Jake challenged Tom to arm wrestle. With this challenge came insult...Jake told Tom he would give him a few weeks to get into shape before he arm wrestled him. Well watch out Jake, Tom is in training and I have the picture to prove it!!!

How the day went

For this post, I am going to state the events of yesterday, no big revelations or emotional rollercoaster.

Tom & I took off work and got up about 8:00, didn't sleep well at all the night before which is very unusual for me, but I am living in the unusual right now. Steven came over instead of going to his first period class, I hadn't even showered yet!! I excused myself and Tom visited with him. (He came back later that night). Pam (from Colorado) called to check on us and say hey. Tom & I drove around the school parking lot and saw some cars with writing about Peyton on the windows. That made me cry.

Kids started arriving around 4:00. I beat Gentry at Jeopardy! (not really sure who won, but I am claiming it.) We had about 27 kids in our living room at one time. Love those kids. I found out they flew a rebel flag from the school flagpole, (redneck, but funny.....Peyton would have loved that) We laughed a lot and ate some good food. A good friend had made some scrapbooks for me with all the cards and stuff we got after the funeral. They turned out really nice and people were looking at them and our photo albums. A girl had gotten a tattoo on her leg of barbed wire in the shape of a heart with Peyton's name in it. That is humbling to say the least. I thought about her telling people about that for years, telling people why she got it, telling people what Peyton meant to her. They were just friends and they both loved rodeo.

My mom & niece were there. Tom's mom and his niece were there. Of course the Peanuts were there and I was sooooo glad. Several of the kids went into Peyton's room, I haven't changed it yet.
Everone was gone by about 10:15. We went to bed very tired. When I woke up, I didn't want to go to work, I wanted to go back to sleep and avoid life, but I didn't. So here I am facing it all and thanking God for good friends and people who love us.

Fortified for Battle

Today was a really good day. Lots of positive thoughts and memories. Church was great! I know God is leading me into victory all the time.

I have learned that good days are not days for being lax in my faith. Good days are to be used to fortify myself for battle. I can't quit reminding myself of my blessings just because the pressure has lifted some. Oh wouldn't satan love that, if I just sat back and thought it was smooth sailing from now on. Then he could sneak up and try to defeat me on another day. Looooooser! Let's have a little list just to keep sharp:

How God loves me:
Through my family & friends
He weeds my heart with the love in His word (better than Round-Up!)
He delivers His word through my pastors (as I am typing this, I see His word like a beautiful package and He is presenting it to me with loving hands...WOW)
He uses me to love others
Through my husband (I am a blessed woman)

I know satan will be back with his bag of worn out lies & tricks, I say, "Bring it" and watch God's mercy, grace, love and power work, again.

The Arrived

I was reading a book last night, "Life after Death" by Tony Cooke. It mentioned a group of people that referred to people that had gone on to Heaven as "the arrived", not the departed. They had "arrived" in Heaven. It is so good to focus on Peyton's happiness in Heaven instead of my sadness here on earth.

Just thought I would share "the arrived" terminology. It is wrong to think of Peyton as dead. He is not dead, only his body. He is more alive than ever.

The Country Way

As the anniversary gets closer, the memories flood my mind. Yesterday Tom & I were driving down the road and met a truck. Tom gives the wave and the other driver returns it. Peyton loved that. He waved at every vehicle he met, whether he was driving or not. He would get so frustrated when people didn't acknowledge the wave. He might even call them a Yankee (sorry MN people).

Peyton enjoyed his roots and the country way. I know he planned on living in the country, living out the lyrics to some of his favorite country songs. You know, the ones that talk about American pride, rodeo, lovin' your wife and kids, workin' hard, goin' to church and appreciating God's country. He loved the good ole boy mentality and he loved his friends and family.

It says in the Bible that Jesus has prepared a place for us, a mansion. I picture Peyton's mansion as a big log cabin filled with all the things he loves, just like Mr. Byerly's. Mr. Byerly built every bit of his log home in Tahlequah with is own hands. Cut down every tree, peeled every log, sanded every board, it is an amazing place. Mr. Byerly went to Heaven in July of 2007 and I know he was there when Peyton arrived, ready to show him around and introduce him to his son. Mr. Byerly's son went to Heaven a long time ago and now they are reunited too. This feeling of loss isn't forever it just seems that way right now.

I miss you Peyton Douglas Jackson.