Life Change

Yesterday I participated in something TOTALLY out of my comfort zone.  I ran in a 5K.  I wasn’t running the whole time, just in spurts, catch my breath and then run some more.  It took me 45 minutes, but I FINISHED.

In my last post, I told about a workout program I was doing.  I’m still doing it!!!  I’ve lost 53 lbs.  I have a long way before I reach my goal weight, but I am on my way!!!   December is “maintenance month”.  Not gaining any holiday pounds is my goal.

I’ve thought a lot about why I started this fitness journey and how I am able to continue.  The daughter of a lady I work with was doing the program and I had heard her mom talking about it.  I went to the website and found out when sign ups were.  I remember driving over to sign up.  I was so nervous!!!  I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

I do know that God’s grace has carried me through this experience.  He led me to this program and has been with me every step, every lunge, every frog jump and every heaving breath.  He knows how many drops of sweat have poured out of my body.  He loves me so much and I am grateful.  Gratitude gets me out of bed at 4:30, 5 days a week.  I am grateful for God’s love.  He is concerned with my well being and my health.  If He is speaking to you about this area of your life…………..LISTEN AND OBEY.  You won’t regret it.

The 5K was called the Reindeer Dash, so we dressed up.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  The holidays are easier for us, even though we miss Peyton.  The emotion of missing him gets magnified somewhat during this time of the year.  His birthday is in October, then we go through Thanksgiving and Christmas and then the anniversary date is in January.  A friend of mine posted this picture on my Facebook wall a couple of days ago. 

The girl in the bottom right hand corner of this brochure has a PDJ Baseball tournament T-shirt on.  Some people may count this as coincidence, but I don’t.  God is telling me, He sees me, He sees my tears and He cares. 

I am looking forward to our Heavenly reunion.

Thanks for reading! : )

Key Chains and a Devotional

Three weeks ago I started a new lifestyle, a lifestyle of healthy eating and (holy moly!!) EXERCISE. 

The facts of the exercise – group setting, five days a week, women of varying fitness levels, weights and ages pushing ourselves to the max and encouraging each other every step of the way.

The first two weeks were rough to say the least.  I obsessed over going to class ALL DAY LONG.   I was fearful every time I walked in the door.  I did not understand why I kept subjecting myself to this mental torture and physical pain and exhaustion.  I had to miss a Thursday & Friday class because of injury.  I took those two days and the weekend to get a hold of myself mentally.  Monday evening I prayed all the way to class.  I survived it.  The following Thursday, fear came over me again.  I struggled with going into class, but I did it.  After class a woman delivered a gift to me from another lady that was on vacation and hadn’t come to class.  This lady was worried about me.  Here is a picture of what she gave me.

It’s a key chain with the name of the workout program on it.  But it is more.  She attached a keychain that Tom & I had made to raise money for the PDJ Memorial Scholarship fund.  Here is a close up of that keychain.

“I ain’t skeered”,  something Peyton would say .  That boy was fearless. 

I got into my car after the workout and cried and cried and cried.  How dare I let fear keep me from doing what I knew I should be doing.  I could go into the reasons I was afraid – getting out of my comfort zone, doing something I was HORRIBLE at, etc, etc, etc.  I don’t want to write about that; I want to write of God’s goodness and faithfulness because that is what matters.

When I went to read my devotional that night, this was at the top of the page.

God has never left me.  He loves me and He wants me to know that He loves me.  This time He showed me through key chains and a devotional. 

He loves you too and will show you in ways that will amaze you!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for reading : )

Evidence

When Peyton was around 3 I took him with me to a women’s clothing store.  To keep him occupied, the store clerk gave Peyton a book that had been left at the store.

Have you ever read this?  It’s about a bull, that is being bullied .  When it came time to leave the store, Peyton wanted to keep the book.  I tried to give it back to the clerk, but she let him keep it.  Ferdinand continued to be one of his favorites for several years.

This was one of his favorite toys, probably his only favorite toy. 

It was kind of expensive for something that wasn’t for his birthday or anything, but he would ask for it every time his Meme (Tom’s mom) would take him to Wal-Mart.  He wasn’t going to forget about it.  She bought it for him.

Peyton would play with this rodeo set A LOT. 

 

57 teeny tiny pieces.

I have been thinking about this rodeo set and book for awhile.  I finally got the set out of storage.  I don’t know what I will do with it, I just knew I wanted to make sure nothing had happened to it.  As you can tell from the pictures, Peyton took very good care of it.  Even the box is in very good condition.

I don’t have a great message or purpose for this blog post.  I only wanted to share a little more about the boy I love so much.  I am amazed at the interest and passion Peyton had for this sport at such a young age.  I do sometimes wonder what it would have been like if we had let him pursue rodeo when he was younger.  Would he have gotten over it? Would he have excelled?  There’s no way of knowing, so I will continue to look forward, carrying my Peyton with me wherever I go.

Thanks for reading : )

 

Divine Appointments

Tom and I have had some good experiences in the last 4 years and 4 months.  God has brought amazing people across our paths.  Some we encouraged and many that encouraged us.   One of the most public of these experiences was the story on ESPN.  You can read about it in this post and I hope you do (because I’m not going to tell the story again here ).  After we were interviewed, I became friends on Facebook with Paula, the reporter.  Several months ago I felt God was telling me something was going on with her and I needed to pray.  So I messaged her and asked her if she needed prayer about having another baby.  She answered me that she was already pregnant………….with twins and would appreciate prayers.  I did start praying for those babies to be healthy and I asked a handful of people at my church to be praying too. 

Here are the babies.  Paxton Wyatt & Penelope Wyette, born on Mothers Day.  They are healthy babies.

 

Here is their namesake, Wyatt.  Such a beautiful boy.

I don’t know how everything works concerning God.  I do know He needs us to pray out His will on this earth.  He tells us to pray.  We are His hands and feet and voice on earth.  I don’t claim any credit for Paula’s babies being okay, but it is very cool to play a part in God’s plans.  I want people to be aware that God will use them to be a blessing to others.  God wants to divinely connect His children so they can stand together against the plans of the devil.  When Tom & I said “yes” to the ESPN interview, that was a Divine Appointment.  Maybe Peyton and Wyatt were together in Heaven that day, watching and cheering on their parents for making their “appointment”.  

Here is a link to the website that can educate you on the motor neuron disease Spinal Muscular Atrophy.  This is what Wyatt had and what we were praying against.  www.fsma.org  Please take a minute and read about this disease.  Here is Wyatt & his parent’s story about their fight with this disease.  It will bless you.

If you are so inclined here is a LINK to the story that we were interviewed for on ESPN.

Thanks for reading……………..and clicking on all these links : )

Purpose

While having lunch with a co-worker the other day, the subject of purpose came up.  She was saying she had purpose, she had a full time job.  I said my job was not my purpose.  After a pause, she asked me what my purpose was.  I thought a second and said, "my purpose is to be a light to the world.  That is every Christian's purpose"  She thought a moment and said, "but a person needs a way to show that light" 

I am going to stop using the word "light" and use "love" instead.  I don't want anyone misunderstanding and think I am some "new age" person.  Is "new age" even something people say anymore?? 

Showing people the love of God is bringing light into darkness.  So ultimately, my purpose is showing people the love of God.  So while I know being involved in ministry, programs, etc. is necessary, how I treat people in my everyday life is VERY important.  I have to be aware of others' needs and hurts.  When I am focused on myself, there is not much light/love in that.  My prayer life should include praying for others and asking for wisdom in meeting needs, spiritual and physical.  

Father, I ask for an observant and tender spirit. I want You to love through me.  I'll be your hands and feet.

Thanks for reading .........and loving :)

Easy Pinterest Project

I downloaded some pictures from my camera and found some pics of  a fun & easy Easter project I did.  So I thought I would share.  You could use this method for a variety of things.  It would be a super easy pinata.

I blew up some balloons, using a couple of different sizes.  I cut squares of tissue paper and used a paint brush and liquid starch to cover the balloons.  You get the starch in the laundry aisle.

I didn’t document the process.  It is easy, but too messy to touch my camera.  Here’s the finished product.  To make the polka dot ones, first cover the entire balloon with a couple layers of WHITE tissue paper.  Then using a large hole punch, punch holes in some colored tissue and place it over the white, being careful not to overlap any of the holes. 

After the tissue is completely dry, you pop the balloon and pull it out.  Then make a cut where you pulled the balloon out so you can open it enough to fill it with goodies.  You have to put 3 layers of tissue so the finished egg is strong enough to hold the candy.  That’s what I did with these, filled them with Easter candy for our special boys .  If you want them to look really good, after you fill them, you can close them back up by laying more tissue paper over the opening and applying more starch.

It was fun to watch the boys tear into them!!!!

Thanks for reading : )

Relaxing and Rejuvenating

Tax season is over and my life has gotten where I can breathe easier.  Last week I had an adventure.  I went to the beach with some wonderful ladies.

I was gone for 5 days!!!!  Tom & I have not been away from each other for that length of time before.  I wasn’t sure I wanted to do it, but I did and had a good time. 

Our itinerary:

On the beach by 10:00

Sandwiches, etc. around 12:30 or 1:00

Back to the beach

Return to the condo around 4:00, get ready to go out to dinner

Back to the condo for a chick flick

Go to bed

We repeated this grueling schedule for 4 days!!  I wasn’t sure I could do nothing for that many days, but I managed.  The toughest thing we did was deciding where to eat dinner every night. 

While on the beach, I read Hunger Games.  I’d already seen the movie and decided I needed to read the books.  Enjoyable

I know there are lots of people out there who do things like this all the time.  I don’t.  I like being at home and it is hard for me to leave my comfort zone, especially if Tom is staying behind.  God is expanding my horizons and I am following.  Isn’t it cool He would want me to step out and do something so fun?  God is good and He loves us so much.  Maybe He is telling you to step out and do something exciting and fun.

Hear are some pictures to show you how wonderful it was.

 

Thanks for reading : )

What to say?

I talked to the gentleman who delivers our copier paper where I work.  I heard him mention to a co-worker something about a tattoo and then I heard her express words of condolences.  I put two and two together and got up from my desk to see him.  I asked him about the tattoo.  It was very prominent on his upper arm.  It was a portrait of his daughter.  She went to Heaven in January of this year.  His tattoo impressed me so  I ask him who did it for him.  I’m still considering getting one, but the artist has to be just right.  The place he told me about may be the one.

Even though I wanted to see the tattoo, that’s not why I spoke to him.  I wanted to know about his child.  He was working, so we were only able to talk a minute or so.  He told me people tell him it gets easier, but he doesn’t see how.  He misses her more every day.  I’m tearing up right now just thinking about it. 

I wanted to tell him so many things.  I gave him the address to my blog.  He may be reading it now :)

All afternoon I thought about what I should have said to him.  Grief and missing your child isn’t for casual conversation. 

I would like to say:

You’re not going crazy; it just feels like it.

You WILL NOT FORGET HER.

Don’t think about what you “should” be feeling or how much “progress” you should have made in your grief journey in the next year or two or ten.

Don’t compare yourself to other grieving parents.

Don’t try to avoid your emotions. 

Don’t be surprised how many times a day you have to make a conscious decision to keep going.

The heaviness on your chest is “normal”

God loves you and He cares about every emotion and every tear.

God loves you

God loves you.  I can’t say that enough.

I hope these words speak to someone.

Thanks for reading :)

 

My Office

I’ve been working on redecorating  decorating my office.  I wanted to share some pictures.  They aren’t the greatest, but if I keep waiting until I take better ones, I’ll never post.  So here they are.

This is in the corner behind my desk.  They are some of my favorite pictures

 

Here is a different view.

 

I LOVE the way this vinyl wall decal turned out.  It was super easy to apply and it looks like it was painted onto the wall.  I bought it online from Trading Phrases, they have tons of cool stuff.

 

I’ve had this frame for a couple of years.  It was a Christmas gift from a coworker.  I waited until I had the perfect photo for it.  It says so much.

 

Hope you enjoyed the mini tour of my office.

 

Thanks for reading : )

Living Life

Life is strolling along, weddings, babies being born and people buying their first homes.  Our friends’ children and Peyton’s friends are at the ages when many of life’s milestones are taking place.  Tom and I are happy for all of them and glad to be included in the celebrations. 

Sometimes it is hard to stay in the moment of celebration with our friends.  My mind wanders to thoughts of what things would be like if Peyton were still here.  Would he have found his lifetime mate?  Would he be doing well in college or would he have gone to work by now?  I know Peyton is in our eternal future, but our immediate future seems empty. 

I want MY son. 

I want my OWN grandchildren. 

People are very generous to us, sharing their families.  I get tired of sharing. 

Maybe it’s not that I get tired of sharing.  Maybe I am afraid THEY will get tired of sharing, that one day the invites and visits will stop and Tom & I will be left behind.  Not only would we be left behind, but the memory of Peyton would be left behind with their childhoods. 

My mind is a battlefield.  I say this because I know all these thoughts and fears that I have mentioned are contrary to reality.  They come to taunt me anyway. 

So, I have to re –focus. 

The truth is Tom and I have a huge family, a family that is growing and changing.  Our relationships are real. They are not based on missing Peyton.  They are grounded in mutual love and respect.  We are carving out a life full of joy and God’s glory.  This is a complex process.  Each time we move into a new area it usually involves letting go of something.  Letting go is difficult, especially if it involves your child.  So I ask God to help me find ways to carry the memories in a productive way.  It isn’t easy and there are times I don’t wanna!!!  I eventually do.

Thank you so much for reading : )

He still cracks me up!!

Have you seen this??????

My mom and I went to see the movie, ExtremeIy Loud and Incredibly Close tonight.  OMGoodness!!!  It is about a boy whose dad is killed in the 9/11 Trade Center bombings.  A year after his father’s death, the boy finds a key.  He is determined to find out what the key unlocks. 

The boy is not a typical boy.  He mentions that he was tested for Asperger’s and the audience can understand why.  I went to the website “Rotten Tomatoes” and the reviews are divided.  I found myself caught up in the story and thought it a good movie.  I did cry……………..a lot.  Anyone that has had a major loss will be more sensitive to this movie than someone who hasn’t.  I may have been more comfortable watching this one at home.

God gave me a little something extra in this movie.  In my previous post, I wrote about the feelings I believe someone has that is cutting themselves or inflicting pain on themselves in some other way.  It was very difficult for me to put those words out for everyone to see.  The boy in this movie is pinching himself.  It took my breath away when they first showed him doing this.  His torso was covered in self inflicted bruises.  I believe that my seeing this movie just two days after I wrote about something so difficult was God’s way of confirming I wrote exactly what He wanted me to write.

In closing, I recommend the movie.  and God will use anything and everything to show us how much He loves us.

Thanks for reading : ) 

Laid Bare……….again.

I have revealed things  about myself on this blog that I never thought I would.  I’ve written about some very low times.  Each time I’ve written them, I thought I didn’t have any more secrets.  God has brought something else to my remembrance. I have to believe this is written in God’s perfect timing and someone reading needs to know about my thoughts during a very painful time.

Peyton had been in Heaven only a short time.  Tom and I had gone to bed and I was crying.  I was crying very deep and hard.  Through my sobs, I told Tom, “I can’t cry hard enough.  I can’t cry hard enough to rid myself of this terrible sadness.” 

Days later, maybe even weeks later, this thought came to my mind.  I’ll never forget where I was when it came.  Tom & I were pulling into the garage.  I thought, “if I could scrape my arm against the bricks of the house, I think that would release some of this anguish I am feeling.”  I couldn’t believe my own mind.  I knew this was totally unreasonable, but it didn’t shock me. 

I let that thought saturate my brain; then I knew. 

This is what someone who cuts themselves or uses some other type of self mutilation feels like.  These are the thoughts and feelings they have.  Their pain is so great, so unmanageable, so hopeless they don’t know what else to do.  Then they follow through with the thought.  I’m sure the physical pain must give some type of relief from their mental pain and torment or they wouldn’t continue to do it. 

I did not follow through with the thought so I don’t know for sure about that last statement, but it makes sense to me.  I can only imagine that the temporary relief they feel makes them want to do it again to escape. It isn’t a solution.  The pressure may ease, but it’s only temporary.

My relief came from my Heavenly Father.  He is real and He loves me so much.  He loves you too, no matter what you have done or have thought about doing.  If you are in the kind of pain I’ve talked about, please ask God to help you.  He will.   My email address is on my profile if you need it.

Thanks for reading.

ps I got out of bed to write this post.  I knew I wasn’t going to sleep until I did.  Now I am hesitant to click “publish”  I must have done it anyway or you wouldn’t be reading this now.  Thank you Lord; You lead me to do Your will.

More Evidence of His Love

I’m sitting in my living room watching American Idol with my best friend.  Her daughter was born 3 days after Peyton.  When we get together our conversation inevitably turns to our children.  We had just finished talking about them and I look at the TV and this is what I see in the crowd.

 

 

I have posted about Peyton being #7 on his baseball team.  There was one year when he played for a team called…..wait for it……Wildcats.

God wants me to know I am not alone.  He cares for me every instant of every day. 

Thanks for reading : )

Pinterest

I am a big fan of Pinterest!! 

How many times have you found something on the internet only to not be able to find it again?  I’ve put websites on my “favorites” or “bookmarked” them, but my list was getting too long.  Pinterest enables you to collect your favorite websites in one place, categorize them however you see fit and pulls a picture to remind you exactly what it was you liked so much.

I’ve got categories for different types of recipes, crafts, decorating ideas, even cool manicures.  Pinterest is unlimited, just like the internet, because that’s what it is.  It links you to your favorite things on the internet.  Not only can you find stuff other people have pinned and pin it to yours, you can find something on the internet and pin it so others can see it. 

It can be very time consuming.  I had to regulate myself and actually MAKE SOMETHING from Pinterest before I pinned anything else.  What’s the point of having all these cool ideas piled up if you never do anything with them???

Here is a picture of a Valentine project I finished yesterday.  I’m experimenting with different lighting for my pics, so yes, this project is sitting in my bathroom sink

Here’s a close up.  I punched a bunch of tiny hearts from scrapbook paper and then glued them in the shape of a big heart.  The paper I glued it on was a precut scrapbook paper, with a red piece of paper beind it.  The frame was on clearance and Tom painted it black for me.  He is an expert spray painter : ).  I think it turned out pretty good.

Thanks for reading! : )

4 years

January 12, 2012 – Peyton has been in Heaven for 4 years.

What can I write about what we’ve been through the last 4 years that you haven’t read from me before?  I’m having a difficult time thinking of something to write so I’ll do my usual.  I’ll tell you what has been on my mind, the ugly stuff and the glorious stuff.

I miss Peyton.  I love him as much as I always have even though I haven’t talked to him in what seems like forever.  Sometimes I think about what we are missing because he is not here.  I want to know what he would be like today. I want to know what he would have accomplished. Tears still come.  Sometimes I feel awful and can’t believe this is my life.  When I hear people planning for the future, say 10 years down the road, I don’t like it.  I don’t want to think about being on this earth and missing Peyton for 10 more years.  I HATE that there will come a day when Peyton has been in Heaven longer than he was on earth with me. 

Even though these thoughts are with me, I do not dwell on them.  Agonizing over what I do not have is not what God wants for my life.  I know God has plans and blessing for me.  He has never left me and has blessed me abundantly already.  God loves me, that is why I have been able to function EVERY DAY, since Peyton has been gone.  God has equipped and provided me with EVERYTHING  I have needed, not to  just survive these days, but to find JOY.  Working through grief is HARD WORK, but with God all things are possible.  I am a work in progress. 

I know I will be reunited with my son, FOR ETERNITY, never to be separated again.

I have to post some pics of my boy.

Thanks for reading : )

Small Town Grocer

I’ve been thinking about this post off and on for awhile.  A comment on Facebook brought it to the front of my thoughts, so here it is.

There is a man in our town that owned the local grocery store.  His name is Leonard.  I don’t know the dates that he owned it.  I only know I have known him most of my life in that store.  He retired a few years ago.  The celebration that was thrown honored him in a great way.  There were door prizes, cake, etc.  What was so amazing was the town’s support of this endeavor.  I know many, many merchants donated prizes and made this day special.  It is so good to honor someone while they are around to enjoy it!!

I’m sure Leonard was buddies with a lot of the kids that came through his store.  I believe that Peyton held a special place in his heart.  Leonard lives not to far down the road from us and we see him working out in his yard, mowing, weeding, putting up Christmas lights and the like.  One day, Peyton and I were driving past his place while Leonard was mowing.  Peyton turned to me and said, “Mom, do you think I could work for Leonard someday?”  I said, “I’m sure you could get a job in his store when you are old enough (Peyton was around 7 or 8 at this time)  Peyton looks at me and says, “not in the store, in his YARD, I want to drive his tractor!”  I love that kid!!

After Peyton’s accident, I would see Leonard in the store.  He expressed his condolences.  But there was more in his eyes.  You see, Leonard’s son is also in Heaven.  Lenny has been in Heaven since the mid 80s.  He was a great guy.  I didn’t know him well, just the friendliness he showed when I would go into the store.  But I will never forget him.

Lenny and Leonard are two people who brought me comfort and they didn’t know it.  I saw Leonard carry on after the death, moving to Heaven of his son.  When the fear would grip me that people would forget Peyton, I would remember Lenny.  This person with a warm personality and friendly demeanor is in my mind and heart forever.  This fact gives me comfort and a knowing that my boy won’t be forgotten either.

Thanks for reading : )