Another "List" Day

I am grateful for:
My husband
My church family
A great place to work
My home
Kayli
Colorado friends
The "firsts" are almost over.
Tom & I were good parents
We have no regrets.
Peyton was a blessing to us. (He drove me crazy, he kept me on my toes at all times)
The Peyton Jackson Memorial Scholarship
The Peyton Jackson Memorial Baseball Tournament
God has a plan, He has not left us
I will hear His plan for me
It is a glorious plan
Greater is He who is in me, than he who is in the world
We will not be defeated
I know my enemy and I know he is a liar
People are praying for us
I can pray for others

It took longer than usual to come up with a list. I was feeling alone but I know God is with me.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deut 31:6

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deut 31:8

Life Today

Decorations are down and packed away. Today doesn't feel any better than the last few. The weather probably has something to do with it. When I was packing everything up, I ran across more of Peyton's stuff. It is hard to focus on the present and the future, when all the symbols of the past are staring you in the face. There are times when I want to be able to go somewhere and feel him. But there is no place like that. Those are the times when the memories hurt so much. I feel like my insides will explode from the wanting.

My life is blessed, and these holiday things will get easier. I will remember Peyton with joy. He brought so much joy to us. We have no regrets about the way we raised him. We have complete peace about where he is and we will see him again. We are able to see him again because of what God did for us. He sent us a Saviour. His only Son. Thank you Lord

New Experience

Christmas Eve with the family was really good. We had a fun game and everyone was competitive, very funny. It was super hard after everyone left. I was so tired and the emotion overwhelmed me. It is still so hard to comprehend that he is gone. I can usually talk myself into the present, but that night was hard. Tom & I made it though. Christmas day we were at Tom's mom's house for dinner. It was a lot quieter that day, but not nearly as emotional as I thought it would be. Her house was the last place we (Tom's side of the family) were all together with Peyton. Peyton's name was brought up a couple of times and even though it brought a few tears, it feels good to talk about him.


In a couple of weeks will be the one year anniversary. I think I am looking forward to getting all the "firsts" out of the way, but I really don't know. People have been so patient and good to us this year. I have read so much stuff about other people in our situation and the callous ways they have been treated, I can't imagine. We are so loved and people show it all the time, thank you.




Now for the title of this post, New Experience. Tom & I and the Peanuts went to sight in the .22 rifles that Adam & Andy got for Christmas. It was fun, but it was cold!!! I shot a .22 pistol; that was the first time I'd ever shot a gun. Tom & I have talked about me taking up target practice, who knows? I did like it and it would be something we could do together. Of course I would need a gun of my own, preferably something shiny.



Hope you all had a very Merry Christmas!!!

Confession

This is something I have taped on my wall at work. We always believe what we say more than what others say, there are days I say it several times.

I know in Whom I believe.
Tom & I are children of the Most High God. (I love that phrase, Most High God)
We hear His voice.

The Creator lives inside of us; we will not be defeated.
Greater is He who is in us than he who is in the world.

We are more than conquerors.
Thank you Lord for your love and mercy. We will praise You in all things.
We will come out triumphant and You will get the glory.

We are victorious in ALL things, emotionally, physically, spiritual and financially.

Growin' in the Techno

For most of you this may be basic....but I just created a slideshow and had to try it out. Hope you don't mind being guinea pigs (not the Peruvian edible kind)

Got to get on iTunes and download some Chrismas music to go with..that's another day.

Christmas Decorations

Last night I figured out how to put pictures in my posts. I know, I know....I'm slow. So I thought I would try it out and post some pics of our Christmas decorations

The first is our tree in the living room. Adam suggested the cowboy hat.

This is the buffet in our kitchen with close-up pics underneath

Tree in the kitchen.

Peanuts Christmas. Love that Christmas special! Linus has it goin' on!

Back in August I said that this blog is for me, and it is. My posts are to help me stay focused on the good things and not what I do not have. I am saying this because in my mind sometimes I get afraid you all (5 or 6) will stop reading because of the subject matter. I haven't censored myself so far and want to continue to be real with what I write, incIuding the down times too. I want to write what I need to write but I also rely on your comments. You are a blessing to me and I thank you.

Having said all that, here's some of my reality. I am grouchy right now and I do not care! I feel nothing is right and I am having a hard time seeing anything good. I want Peyton here! If you haven't guessed, I am crying. So here goes, "the list" The list I make when I don't feel like it, the list that forces me to see the good and look to the future.

THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR:

My husband

My church family and fellow bloggers.

All shopping & wrapping are DONE

People will like what I got them for Christmas

Tom & I are healthy and are getting healthier

Our boys (Adam & Burke)

The Peanuts (you know who you are) okay...... I'm laughing at that one

Family over for Christmas

Jesus

God's love for me

Church tomorrow

Fire in the woodburning stove

Okay, I get the idea. Our future is what we make it. What will I meditate on? What will I speak? With God all things are possible, our future can be incredible, amazing, awesome, unbelievably blessed if we make the right choices, subdue our flesh and walk in the spirit. My emotions are God-given, but can take me so easily into the flesh. This is a battle I will not lose.

Please do not report me for bi-polar disorder. I really did just run through those emotions as I wrote this, but really...I'm okay, this is "normal".

Questions

I just posted on Jess & Trent's blog. Maybe I shouldn't have said so much, but I do have questions. Tom & I were taught all our Christian lives to confess God's word over our lives and situations. We did. Of course, we missed it sometimes and maybe took the long way around but usually ended up where we were supposed to be.

It was easy to have faith when our faith had never been tested. In the past, our main struggle was with money, but we could always tell ourselves...seed time and harvest, it just wasn't harvest time yet, so we kept sowing. But when Peyton died, that was different. How could this happen? This was big and important. Where was God? Why didn't He answer our prayers? I never blamed God, I just don't understand. I am missing something.

Since this happened, it has been hard to pray and believe God. Why will my faith work on something that doesn't mean as much as my son's life meant to me? Even though it is hard, I will do it. I will not base my faith on my experience, but I will base it on the Word of God. He loves me and is committed to me.


If we don't quit, we win.

11 Months

It has been 11 months today since I have seen my son. Time is a contradictory thing in this situation. On one hand it seems like forever since I have talked to Peyton, on the other, I remember his funeral like it was yesterday. I know this sounds odd, but Peyton's funeral rocked. I smile when I think of the kids that spoke. I am joyful when I think of the songs that Rodney and the Praise Team sang, it couldn't have been better.

I tell myself several times a day that I will see Peyton again and I believe it. It feels like it could be soon. Could it be soon, or is it that my mind just can't comprehend going on for 40 more years without him? I don't know. That is why we have to "Do business" until He comes. (Luke 19:13)

I will be about His business, seizing the opportunities that come across my path, showing God's love, and glorifying my Lord and Savior.

Now I am going to seize some wrapping paper and finish wrapping some Christmas presents.

Another thought........... Heaven is even better than Christmas

Funniest Christmas Joke Ever!!

PK may want to use this one!!!

A man's wife has an artificial leg. Shortly before Christmas, he buys her a new prosthetic and hides it in the closet. Unfortunately, she finds it and confronts him with the artificial limb.

"This wouldn't by any chance be my Christmas present would it?" she asks.

"No, of course not." responds her husband. "It's just a stocking stuffer."

I can barely type, I'm laughing so much :)

Lost Dog, Found Dog

Goldie, our lab went missing Saturday night. Being a country dog, we figured she'd be back by morning. She wasn't. Sunday Tom and Dusty (our rat terrier) went driving around looking for her. No luck. Monday, Tom & Dusty put out some signs with our phone #s etc. While they were out Tom got out of the truck to talk to some guy, guess what Dusty did....he pushed the power lock and locked Tom out of the truck!!!! How funny is that! The guy drove Tom home to get his extra keys so he could get into the truck. Good news; I was driving home today and saw Goldie sniffing around in a ditch. I slowed down and said "Goldie, let's go home." She looked very happy to see me and followed me home. (Don't worry all you dog lovers...it wasn't that far, maybe a qtr mile.) First thing she did was jump into the pond. She is fine. Tom was really really really really really (to infinity) glad to see her.

Oh yeah, on Sunday when Tom took Dusty with him to look for Goldie, Dusty fell out of the truck window. I told Tom that's why Dusty locked him out of the truck...revenge.

This is not a typical post for me, but I thought PS would really enjoy it, since it does have a happy ending. : )

Enjoying other Blogs

I really appreciate the time people take posting on their blogs. I got on the computer tonight feeling really sad....missing Peyton so much, even crying quite a bit. I just wanted to talk to him and hug him. So, I wiped my tears and decided to check some blogs I frequent. I found Jake had posted 3 TIMES since the last time I checked. Copied, pasted and answered his survey. Commented on a few things. Read a NEW blogger's blog. Got my mind back in the present, focused on blessings and here I am, dry eyed and smiling :) Thanks guys!

Christmas Survey

King of the Blogs (aka Jake) challenged me to post this list with my faves. Here it is Jake and thanks. I can't believe it took me until tonight (Sunday) to read yours!!

1. Do you have a real or artificial tree? 3 artificials, but I love the real ones
2. Do you like eggnog? A little goes a long way
3. Favorite Holiday memory? Suprising Peyton with a gun
4. Favorite Christmas movie of all time? It's a Wonderful Life!!!!
5. What do you have for dinner at Christmas? Ham, turkey, dressing, all the traditional stuff
6. Favorite Christmas song? O Come All Ye Faithful (I love the O Come Let Us Adore Him part)
7. Favorite Christmas treat? Toffee (homemade, of course)
8. Do you put up lights on the outside of your house? Tom puts them up and does a fantastic job!

Copy and paste this to your blog; with your own answers of course.

Committed

Last night Pastor Susan taught on making good decisions. Her message was anointed, as always. The thing that stood out to me most (at the moment) was that God was committed to me. He is committed to blessing me, committed to loving me. He sent His only Son so I could live with Them in eternity. I can have confidence when I pray that He is committed to giving me the guidance I need to make a Godly decision. I am not out here alone, wondering what to do. I just need to get with God and listen. His ear is inclined to me. My ear is inclined to His Spirit and His leading.

Holiday Memories

Spent most of the day decorating for Christmas. It was hard sometimes. I have some dough ornaments Peyton made when he was about 7. I had written his name and date on the back of them. Last year I bought a Santa riding a bull ornament. I wanted to show Peyton we were supporting him in every way. I put it in a prominent place on the tree this year too.

There are some Command hooks around the windows in Peyton's room. I came home from work one day last year and he had put Christmas lights on the inside of his windows. I thought how funny he was to do this. It didn't matter to him that some people would think it out of character for a "cowboy " to put up Christmas lights in his room. But that was just Peyton. He did what he enjoyed and really did live his life to the fullest. I miss him...I respect him...We enjoyed him so much. When I picture him in my mind, he is always smiling and laughing. I know he is still smiling and laughing and will be when I see him again.

Satisfied

A very full and satisfying Thanksgiving. Plenty of family and good food. Some friends stopped by later in the evening. I know they were checking on us, but I'll take it. I love company and having people over for dinner, etc. Sometimes I think about a gathering too much because I want to invite everyone. I am changing that. Life is good. Thank you Lord!

Not Forsaken

The past few days have not been good. I have felt so sad, but I am better now. Yes, I tell myself, Peyton is still gone but I KNOW I will see him again FOREVER! He is in a place where I cannot go right now. As a mom that is a hard thing to take, I want to know what my son is doing, who he is doing it with, etc. God made moms that way. I love Peyton and I miss him and I am thankful. I have not been forsaken, God is caring for me every day. Each time I run to Him, whether it be in tears or praise, He is there. Thank you Lord!

I am thankful for:

My husband
My church family
Salvation
Aaron is coming home for Christmas
Comments on my blog
Blogs that lift me up
Funny stuff (I need to laugh)

Of course I cannot list everything, but making a list gets me thinking on the positive, on the great and wonderful things in my life. I started a list the other day on things to look forward to, I have to say it was not an impressive list. I am going to work on that. My future is bright and as I move the dark out of the way, through prayer and praise to my Lord, I will see it. Amen.

Having a houseful of family over for Thanksgiving and then going to the movie and then back home to eat leftovers. The only bad thing is your too full to eat popcorn at the show, even though it smells so good! Is referring to the movie as "the show" a southern thing. I remember as a kid I lived in Illinois and we always called it the movie, but when I would come to visit Arkansas everyone called it "the show", funny.

Have a Happy, Joyous, Blessing Filled Thanksgiving!!!

Lots of Energy

It is taking lots of energy these days to stay on track. This journey is filled with so many conflicting emotions. I want to be better, but then I think, "How can I be better when Peyton is still gone?" Then I have to talk myself into victory...again. Very tiring.

I am a rip the band-aid off get the pain over with and go on kinda girl and this does not work that way. You deal with the hurt and sadness each time it creeps up, going good for awhile and then here it comes again. The hurt & and sadness do not come as often, but they are just as deep. My God is the same each and every time.

Today I left work early, not much to do. I didn't want to go home, my house was empty, Tom would not be home for a couple of hours. I made a couple of stops in town and then decided to suck it up and go home. Check the email...I have comments on my blog!!! I read them and they are encouraging. Thank you so much, I needed them. God uses us all to bless one another. I am truly blessed.

Baby Steps

I just posted on Jake's blog...my name was Peyton's mom....I changed it to Beckypdj. I'm still his mom, but I am more, especially now.

Created a FaceBook profile and have gotten in touch with some people I don't get to talk to on a regular basis. Looking forward to keeping in touch.

This past weekend Tom told me in great detail of his hunting exploits. I listened and then I listened some more. I knew what was going on. He was telling me some more on Sunday night, then he said, "I don't have anyone to tell this to." I said, I know. He and Peyton were inseparable this time of year. I hate it for him. I love this man so much, and it hurts to see him hurting. He did harvest a deer.

We have great friends and they DO listen, but it is not the same as having someone there all the time, teaching them what they need to know and watching them grow. We do have great kids around us and God uses them to bless us. I know God has great things in store for Tom & I. God is giving us things as we become ready. We are listening...waiting........expecting.

I love you Lord, thank you for the blessings.

Daily Randomness

Going out with some girls tonight. Out to eat, maybe a movie. Tom is camping. It was hard for him to decide to go, but he did. I know he will have a good time. It is hard sometimes to think about making memories without Peyton, especially when it is something he loved so much. Having a good day and plan on having one tomorrow. Staying focused on the present is so important. Started making Thanksgiving plans, I will be fine (repeating this over and over in my head).

If you are reading this blog, please post comments. I would appreciate your input.

Thanks

10 Months

Today is the 10 month anniversary. I am doing fairly well...yesterday, not so much. Focus, focus, focus. I don't understand how something that can make me so miserable, still seems so unbelievable. Tom misses Peyton. I miss Peyton. Peyton's friends miss Peyton. Everyone misses Peyton. They let us know in so many ways, and this means so much. I have never experienced the openness about grieving as I have in this situation. No one seems to be afraid of expressing their sadness or their happy memories. WE NEED THIS SO MUCH!! I cannot imagine going through this without our friends. They are invaluable to us and we love them. I have been hugged more in the last 10 months than in my whole life. I love it and I need it.

Thanksgiving is right around the corner. The family will be gathering together and there will be a hole. I am not looking forward to it, but I will find many, many things for which to be thankful. God is good, all the time.

Realization

Yesterday I realized I had gone a few hours without thinking of Peyton. This is shocking, unacceptable, horrifying and at the same time makes me glad. Of course you can berate yourself.......am I forgetting him already?!!! Of course not. I thought about this for awhile and I believe God showed me that focusing on all the good things, all the blessings and the love people have shown us is pushing out the grief. Slowly but surely the majority of the time I think of my son, it will be with a smile. This is such a process, a work in progress, but there is progress. There has to be progress, we all have things to do here on earth and must live our lives to the fullest.

Andrew shot a deer on Saturday. When I saw the deer I immediately felt (not thought) that the deer had walked out of the woods right in front of Peyton in Heaven and Peyton knew Andrew had shot that deer. Can this be possible? I don't believe people in Heaven can see us on earth, but surely they know things. I won't know until I get there.

Birthday

Yesterday, Oct 22nd was Peyton's birthday. It was a hard day. We miss him so much. Tom & I spent the day together, both of us took the day off. I put a funny poster at Peyton's gravesite. I knew the kids would be visiting it and wanted to make them smile. We had quite a few phone calls and cards. Several of the kids came over and we ate Peyton's favorite dish from the local Mexican restaurant. The kids brought over a book that they had written their favorite memories about Peyton. They had done this right after the accident but it had been passed around a lot and just now got back to us. It made us laugh and cry. It means so much to us that they won't forget him and he did make a difference in their lives. I can only hope Tom & I can do the same.

Last year at this time Peyton was driving to school for the first time. He was so excited. I sit here typing this and I still cannot believe this has happened even though it has been more than nine months since I have seen my son. It is taking effort to stay positive. Tomorrow morning we are leaving for Colorado. I discovered another family via the internet that is going through what we are going through. They lost their son in April of 2006, also a rodeo accident. We have been emailing for about 2 months and now we are going to meet in person.

I just viewed my blog and read over some previous posts. I needed it. I have had lots of positive things to say and will probably read them again today. "It's the Miracle of Christ in me," that says it all. I am an overcomer and will make it through this day and every other day. Thank you Lord for your peace, love and comfort. We have been loved on by God through so many people and Tom and I are grateful.

Homecoming

Tonight is our football Homecoming. Tom & I are having people over after the game. Tom is taking off early to go to the parade. I can't help thinking about all the years he coached Peyton in little league football and all the homecoming trailers they rode on. Amanda is a Jr. Maid this year, I hope she has fun. Don't really feel like writing today.

Ring Ceremony

Tom ended up taking the day off too for the ring ceremony. We presented Casey Jo with her ring and Tom presented Nathan with his. It was a good thing for us to go and felt honored to be asked to attend. We love those kids. There were several kids with PDJ on their ring and a bull rider on the side. Casey Jo said that classrings are about high school memories and Peyton will be one of her most significant memories. I kept telling myself while we were there to stay in the moment, recognize the good things going on right now and do not dwell on the fact that Peyton was not there.

I am beginning to see and understand that Peyton is here. He is in all of us. We are all influences on each other and need to realize this. When Peyton had been gone just a few weeks, he felt so gone to me. Now I can see him in his friends and am grateful these people have been brought into our lives because of Peyton. Don't get me wrong, this realization is no substitute for having Peyton here, but it is what I have right now.

Tis the Season

As the fall season comes, it brings the sadness closer to the surface. This will be Tom's first hunting season without Peyton. We have been living without Peyton for 8 months, but with each passing event and season we have to adjust our expectations and face them without our son. I not only mourn for myself, but I see my husband living with the huge hole in his heart. We were a very close family and enjoyed each other. Tom and Peyton had so many things they did together, especially this time of year. They cut wood for our stove and for Peyton to make gas money. They hunted and camped, I cannot imagine that deer camp without him. I know Tom will struggle, but he will hunt. We believe it honors Peyton for us to carry on, even when our heart is breaking.

I had to stop writing this yesterday, too many emotions. Today I am better. My God is bigger than any grief and He is the source of my joy. I am just so puzzled at these emotional days. I will have a few good days and then, right back to the pain. I don't feel guilt when I have good days, I enjoy them and thank God for them. They just don't seem to last. Some days I think of Peyton and smile, other times I can't even look at his picture. On those days I am desperate to find something to make me feel better. That is when I go to other blogs, especially our Pastors'. They are always uplifting and usually funny. Pastor Kevin and Susan are gifts from God, blessing us abundantly every time we are around them.

I will focus on my blessings and God will lift me out of this funk I am in. I am blessed with a wonderful husband, great friends and coworkers, and an awesome church family. Tom and I were asked by one of Peyton's classmates to present her with her class ring on Thursday at the ring ceremony at the school. I am able to go, but Tom can't. I think it will be a challenge to hold it together, but I felt honored to be asked. I love those kids and am so glad they are still a part of our lives.

September 11th

I was working at Wilson Bros. Automotive seven years ago. I remember people coming in and telling us of the plane crashes. I remember sweeping the floor of the shop, wanting to pick my son up from school just to hug him, He was only nine years old. I remember hearing about the Pentagon and I didn't believe it, you know how rumors get started and then get out of control. But it was all true. I watched hours and hours of news footage and interviews with families of the victims. I couldn't turn it off, somehow it seemed disrespectful. So I watched and I cried. Now here I am missing my own son. It will be 8 months tomorrow. I wonder if he has met any of these people that left this earth seven years ago.

I tell myself every day that this earth is so temporary, just a blink of an eye compared to eternity. I know I will be reunited with Peyton and I have to focus on the good things that are still here on this earth. I will glorify my Savior and be grateful. We sang a song in church the other day that gave me an answer to the question I hear so much. "How do you go on?" The words in the song said, "It's the miracle of Christ in me, it's the mystery that sets me free." How true these words are. Christ in me is a miracle!! I will let that miracle shine through me. He has set me free from sin and death. I will rejoice today and be glad!! I miss you Peyton and I know you are having a wonderful, unimaginable, fantastic life in Heaven. Thank you Lord!!

What are you expecting?

I am expecting blessings to overtake me and Tom. I am expecting to be a blessing to others. I am expecting miracles. I am expecting emotional healing. I am expecting JOY! I am expecting God's glory in our lives. I am expecting wholeness. I am expecting supernatural faith. I am expecting God's love to flow out of me onto others. I am expecting VICTORY!!

Prayer for Today

Father God,
I will celebrate this moment and every moment. I will celebrate You and Your marvelous creation, and I give thanks for this day. Today is Your gift to me, I will use it to Your glory while giving all the praise to You.

Amen.

I am too hard on myself. I believe the prayers I pray, but when I let myself get down and the grief overwhelms me I feel I have failed. I am realizing that just like everything else I learn from God, I will not do it perfectly. I am going to allow myself to grieve. But I am also going to grow through the grief and be victorious. God is always with me, when I am sad and when I am joyous.

Thank you Lord.

Ups and Downs

Yesterday I spent some time organizing pictures. As I was doing this I was thinking, I don't have anyone to pass these on to. I looked at Peyton's baby pics and thought about the grandchildren that would have had his face. You can imagine what all these thoughts did to me. Right now is not much better. It takes a lot of energy to focus on the positive, on the future. Sometimes the only thing I can think about the future is Peyton is not going to be there. I am so ready for this earthly life to be finished, but I know as a Christian we have to stay and finish our assignments and take as many people to Heaven with us as possible. I will honor Peyton today and live. I will be joyful. Lord, your Grace is sufficient for me. All things are possible to those who believe. I am the head and not the tail, above and not beneath. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. My enemy is satan and Jesus' name is above EVERY name.

I am grateful

Jesus is Lord.
I have peace that surpasses understanding.
Tom & I are enrolled in bible school.
Jerry Savelle is coming to LWRV to speak.
Tom & I are healthy
Adam S. is going to Heaven too.
Burke & Brock are in our lives.
Heaven is unbelievable!!!
I gave Peyton's calculator away, (you know, the crazy $100 one they have to have for high school)
God is working in me and through me.

First Day of School

Today would have been Peyton's first day of his Junior year of high school. Most of my morning has been consumed with thoughts that he is not here. I miss him so much, but I am glad he doesn't have to go to school. Peyton did well in school but always thought his time could be better spent elsewhere. Hunting, fishing, hanging with friends, etc. Peyton enjoyed life. I know he is enjoying himself now.

Now I am going to focus on what I am grateful for.

God loves me.
My son is in Heaven.
I will see him again.
My husband is a blessing to me, Tom loves God and loves me.
We have wonderful friends who love and support us.
I have a very understanding employer.
Mel is coming to visit on Friday.
Zane is getting better.
Peyton's friends are our extended family. I love those kids.
My son lived his dream.
Peyton will not be forgotten
Peyton's friends miss him, but are living their lives.
My church is awesome.

This is a very small list compared to the amount of blessing in my life. I am grateful for everything.

Influence

I feel like a normal person today. I have been reading some things Peyton's friends had written to him on Facebook. All of them say what a positive impact he had on their lives. I am amazed. I know Peyton wasn't perfect and he got into some orneriness sometimes, but still he was a person who stood up for what he believed and respected people. He was crazy fun!!

I remember at a Bible study group one time everyone was asked what person influenced our lives the most and how they influenced it. Everyone gave their answers and a comment was made that these people who have impacted us so much, don't even realize it. It makes me so conscious of my influence on others, is it positive or negative? Hopefully the positive outweighs the negative.

Peyton's friend has been moved out of ICU into a regular hospital room, going to see him tomorrow.

Thank you Lord for your active grace and mercy. I don't know why I keep using the expression "active grace", it just seems appropriate. God's grace is alive and active in my life.

Today is o.k.

Today is starting out good. I will look for the good in life today. I miss Peyton constantly; this is part of my life. God loves me.

7 Months

Tomorrow it will be 7 months since Peyton's accident. It feels like forever. This weekend was very hard emotionally. I don't know if it is because of the anniversary or what. I don't know what is "normal". A friend of Peyton's had a car accident last Wed. He is in ICU with two broken legs. Tom and I went to visit him but I was unable to go into his room. I broke down and did not want to upset him. I hadn't been to a hospital since the accident. I am determined to see Zane in the hospital and unfortunately I am sure I will have the opportunity as his hospital stay will be lengthy. I pray for him and his family and thank the Lord for his complete recovery.

After 9/11, Peyton was afraid. One day he was reading his Bible and came out of his room all excited. He said, "Mom, look what God showed me.!"

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I was so proud that day. It was exciting knowing that Peyton was hearing from God. He wasn't even 10 years old yet. It is hard to reconcile in my mind this scripture to what happened to Peyton. The thing I am sure of right now is, God loves me. I don't understand the whys or what the future holds, but I know God loves me and He will never leave me. I know that Satan is a liar and I know God has a blessed future in store for Tom and I. His Word says so.

There are struggles

I have been reading over my past blogs. I really needed the encouragement today. Grief is a spirit and it will come over you with no warning. I have been crying off and on all morning. God did not give me a spirit of fear, but of Power, Love and a Sound Mind. I will NOT let grief consume me today. I will rejoice in the Lord and remember Peyton with joy. That is another confession I make, that I will remember Peyton with joy. It will happen, it is happening, thank You Lord! The one thing I knew without a doubt after Peyton's accident, Satan stole my son from me, but he would not destroy Tom and I. We are victorious overcomers looking forward to the day we see our Lord and see our son again.

Back Home!

Just got back from vacation. It was really fun. I really didn't know what to expect. The thought of making memories without Peyton was gut wrenching. I thought of him constantly, and kept feeling like I should call him. About two days before we left, I didn't want to go. But I did. 'When it started getting time to leave I thought about the fact Peyton wouldn't be there when we got home. I miss him so much. I focus on the love God has for us. Peyton is in heaven and I will see him again. Peyton is safe and having an unbelievable time. Tom & I are blessed beyond measure. The Lord has great things in our future and Tom and I hear God's voice and follow His direction. Thank you Lord!!

Jose Rivera created a page for us to put in the football program. It is wonderful. Jose is a very talented young man and he has blessed us tremendously.

As you can see by reading this, this blog is for me. It is a place where I can voice my beliefs and strengthen my faith. You always believe your own voice more than someone else's. So I speak to myself what God says and speak out our blessings. This in turn reinforces what is already inside me. Thank you Lord, for your Word and your love. Tom and I have the assurance that your Word is true and you will never leave or forsake us.

Tom & I are getting ready to go on vacation. We are excited, never flown before. Of course, my mind goes to Peyton constantly. I tell myself that I couldn't take him anywhere better than where he is, Heaven. I know he is with our Father and having an unbelievable time. I just miss him.

Church this morning!! Pastor Kevin was really good, ministering on Hope.

Peyton's Going Home Service

We didn't really have to plan it. God's active grace made the service perfect. I knew the songs I wanted played, I Can Only Imagine, & History Makers. I had asked several of Peyton's friends & cousins if they would like to speak. The casket had to be wood. Peyton had come out of his room a few weeks earlier telling me how much he loved the shirt he was wearing. It was a Christmas present from us. It was hunter orange. Tom called the funeral home to ask measurements of the inside of the casket. I was going to Wal-Mart to buy some camo fabric to lay inside it. The funeral home said they could get a camo drape. It was perfectly Peyton.

Pat Medeiros had people bringing pictures to his shop and the AiredaleNation guy put together the DVD for the funeral. I picked out “When I Get Where I’m Goin” by Brad Paisley & Dolly Parton for the song. Then I changed my mind and wanted Tim McGraw’s “Live Like You Were Dyin’” because I knew that was how Peyton did live. It turned out they needed two songs for the DVD because there were so many pictures. The kids picked out a really sad song, but I wanted them to have a part in it so I was going to use it. Then Steven Medeiros told Pat to use the Paisley/Parton song. He didn’t even know that was my original pick. I know God used Steven and the perfect songs were played during the DVD. It was a perfect representation of Peyton’s life.

The DVD was played as people were coming in. The church was overflowing with people. The funeral director estimated 1300 people. It was amazing. Peyton's former employer spoke. Three friends spoke and then the three cousins, they were all amazing. We laughed at all the stories told. I was so proud of them. Kayli sang There You'll Be, by Faith Hill. I was so touched and impressed, she was awesome. Our church praise team ROCKED the place with History Makers. We had people standing up and clapping!! What else could we do? Our son was in Heaven!!!!

I remember coming out of the church as the pallbearers were loading the casket into the hearse. There were hundreds of people standing in the parking lot waiting to go to the cemetary. I will never forget that. It was very hard when the funeral director asked who we wanted for pallbearers. How could I ask these 15 - 20 year old boys to do this? But of course they did it and let us know they were honored to be ask. Again, I am amazed at these young people. I love them.

We were told by many people they felt better after Peyton's service. People that hadn't seen him since he was little said they felt like they knew Peyton the teenager. Everyone who left that service knew where my son was and that they would see him again if Jesus was Lord of their life. Isn't that what are lives should be about, pointing people to Jesus?

That Night

January 12, 2008

We are headed to the rodeo in Muskogee, Oklahoma. Peyton is riding a bull tonight. I don’t really want to go to a rodeo, but I do want to support my son. I know it will be a late night because bull riding is always the last event. Peyton is intense. We get to the arena and take our seats, waiting for his event to begin. Peyton is sitting with friends. When it is his turn to ride, Tom goes down to the chutes to pull his rope. I am ready with the camera. The bull is turned out and Peyton rides him for all he’s worth. He is bucked off. The next thing I hear is the announcer calling for the ambulance. The EMT’s are there putting him on the stretcher. Peyton’s arms are limp. I think, great he is knocked out again. He just had a concussion about 4 months before this. We go outside to get to the ambulance. The way the chutes are running we can’t get straight to the ambulance and have to walk around the building. One of Peyton’s fellow riders is leading us. He thinks the bull stepped on Peyton’s jaw. I think, his jaw will probably have to be wired shut.

We finally get around to the ambulance, they aren’t going anywhere. They are waiting on another ambulance. I don’t understand. Why aren’t they going to the hospital. One of the EMT’s tells me they are “working on him”. “Working on him for what?” I ask. He says there is no pulse. There are electrical impulses from his heart, but no pulse.

We get to our truck and follow the ambulance to the hospital. I can see them working on him through the ambulance doors. I try to pray but can’t seem to. I tell myself, this is your son’s life, you must fight for it. I began to pray like I have never prayed before. I commanded Satan to let go of my son. I quoted every scripture related to long life, authority, & weapons. I commanded his heart to beat and his lungs to breathe, over and over again, the same thing when we reached the hospital and were waiting. I did not stop praying, except to call other people to pray. I reached Pastor Susan and told her the situation. I talked to several others and asked them to pray. I prayed the Word of God, I talked to my mom, I told others that were calling, I can’t talk I have to pray for my son. I left the hallway to go to the bathroom. When I came out the doctor was there. Peyton was gone.

Tom and I went into the area where Peyton was. We knew "he" wasn’t there. We touched his face, kissed his forehead. We didn’t stay that long. I told Tom we need to get out of here. I felt if I thought too long about leaving I wouldn’t be able to leave.

We drove to Muldrow to Blaine’s house and picked up my car. Brock drove it home and Tom and I were in Tom’s truck. I remember asking Brock to ask his mom to make our bed. The clean sheets were in a pile on the bed, but I hadn’t put them on yet. I knew I couldn’t when I got home. When we arrived there were so many cars in our yard and driveway. It took me by surprise. I just thought people would come in the morning. We pulled into the garage and as my hand was on the door, I told Tom I don’t want to go in. I couldn’t imagine starting this new life. Of course we did go in. We had so many people there for us. With the technology of cell phones everyone had heard. I heard stories later of people driving to Muskogee to be with us, but we had already headed home. We got to bed about 3:30 and got up about 6:00.

My Life Right Now.

The thing that overshadows my life right now is the life and death of my son, Peyton Jackson. He was killed in a bullriding accident on January 12, 2008. He was sixteen. I miss him more than words can say. My husband and I are doing well in spite of our grief. We know that God has great things in store for our lives. We were an incredibly blessed family before this horrible event and we are still being blessed. I focus on Peyton's life, not his death. He was only 16, but he was living his dream of going to the PBR. My husband and I are not huge rodeo fans, but we supported our son in what he wanted to do. I believe he would have been a great witness for Christ. I am hoping this blog will help me to organize my thoughts and focus on the things God is working on in my life. I know with God all things are possible to those who believe. I believe.